so not in the mood

back from the vacay from hell. i wish i knew what to say. i have a different emotion every 45 seconds. mostly feeling pissed off. pissed off at my doctor's office for not tracking me as well as i thought i should have been treated. pissed becos they didn't switch my BP meds until it was too late. pissed becos they cared more about me having breast cancer than the fact i was pregnant. pissed becos my asshole neighbors mate like rabbits and have multiple baby mamas. depressed that this seriously knocked me off my baby schedule and shortened the window up even more. sad that my xmas card plans are now dust. crushed that i had a small life inside me and now it's gone, and i wonder why it didn't want my family.

i know we're never to question why things like this happen. but that's all that seems to be rattling inside my head - why did this happen to us again? this is my second miscarriage. it does not sound good to me. maybe the boy's really our miracle and i'm not supposed to have any more kids.

i feel guilty about this loss too. this was the pregnancy that i was really unsure of (for financial reasons). this was the one when i found out i was due at new year's i went "oh shit. i don't want a january baby."

maybe i'm incapable of creating girls. i would swear on my bible that this baby was going to be a girl. the first baby i lost was a girl too (i think). i'll never know for sure, but this baby definitely felt like a girl.

on top of this, i have a pisser infection. when we came home we had 2 phone messages, both my from doctor. i assumed it was about my hormone levels and was sure they'd say "we're sorry but the levels are low and you'll probably lose the baby." no. my urine test showed a UTI and i needed antibiotics. isn't that something? i still told them what happened and i got...stunned silence. go figure.

i also got a stupid head cold and chest cold, hopefully not pneumonia. i cough up green and yellow and at night my throat and nose whistles.

i have absolutely no gumption to do anything. taking care of the boy feels like an effort to me. just feeding him feels like an effort. i have no energy to cook (thank goodness for tuna and bologna). all i want to do is sit and read. i didn't knit at all on vacation.

i want to cry but no tears come. i want to scream but i don't want anyone to hear me. i wish i could go on another vacation, just by myself, and cry and scream and knit and sleep and eat whatever i want.

aside from losing the baby, the vacation was okay. the boy loved dutch wonderland and the train museum and especially loved mini golf. ate at a really good dutch buffet. bought my crystal ball lamp at restoration hardware outlet. bought new crocs (and bought the boy his first pair, and spent $25 on the stupid buttons you stick in them). went to the mannings and spent an obscene amount on yarn and books and patterns. i suppose that was one way i dealt with the loss - retail therapy.

it was an effort to get on the computer tonight and blog this. i really dreaded going on ravelry. the women in the we're expecting group were so supportive. that is one thing that i love about ravelry. despite coming from different backgrounds we all love to knit and most of us have experiences to share.

one good note - cousin t's throw is almost done! i finished the last square and am currently blocking 2 squares and will block the last 2 tomorrow. i have one panel stitched together and another one 3/4 of the way finished. i also have to embroider the newlyweds' names and date on the plain stitch panel. and then i'm DONE!!!!

i have a shrug i want to finish. i also have 2 pairs of socks. make some more comfort dolls. maybe some baby hats. i don't know if it'll be therapeutic or not. i still have the bag of hats from church, and to go to the NICU at this time just might kill me. oh yeah, i'll have to make a hat for KDO. i can make that easy and quickly.