linky do's!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

no more breast feeding guilt!

i've kept quiet on this subject for a long time, and i'm sick of feeling shame and guilt. therefore, i'm coming out of the "i'm not breastfeeding" closet.

ever since i was 10 i've had a hate relationship with my breasts. i was an "early bloomer" and took a lot of teasing when i was younger cos i had boobs. i hated that i could never wear cute spaghetti strap tops and dresses without looking like a whore. i hated that i had to wear big tops to accommodate them. i hated the monthly aches and pains that they had before i got my period (sometimes i had to deal with pain for up to 2 weeks prior). could never find cute lacy bras. they were too small for surgery but big for my petite size.

fast forward to when i had the boy nearly 6 years ago. i hadn't planned on nursing becos i still hated my breasts. they were huge, they hurt, and i felt like a cow. i knew that breastfeeding was best, but i knew it wasn't for me. i was pleasantly surprised after i delivered him and told the nursing staff that i didn't plan to nurse, that i was going to bottle feed. i thought i'd get the third degree for "depriving my child of my precious nutrients." but i wasn't nursed as a child, no women in my family nursed, and it felt like the right decision.

now that i'm having the twins, i'm afraid that the breast nazis are going to attack me for yet again not wanting to breast feed. i get so tired of reading magazine articles condemning the bottle and praising the breast. i do believe that breast feeding is good, but it's not the right option for me.

to wit:

"breast feeding brings you closer to your baby"

i developed a really close bond to the boy when he was a baby. i held him a lot. when he napped, i held him on my chest and napped along with him (this was also to ensure that he didn't stop breathing). when i bathed him, he got in the bath with me (hubby was there to hand him over and then dry and dress him) so we had a lot of skin to skin contact. hubby also developed a close bond with the boy too, and it had to be for other reasons since hubby obviously can't nurse. and our bonds were forged becos we didn't breast feed.


"breast feeding helps prevent allergies and illness in babies"

the boy will be 6 in the fall, and i can count ON ONE HAND how many colds and flus he's had. he got his first bad cold when he was three. when he gets sick, it never lasts long. and when he was younger, every time he had a sniffle, it was becos he was cutting a tooth. i know women who breast fed exclusively, and their children are constantly sick and have allergies.


"breast feeding prevents child hood obesity"

that may be so. but the boy is still pretty thin, considering he drank formula.


"breast feeding helps mom lose weight"

maybe. but i didn't gain a whole lot with the boy (maybe an extra 10 pounds), and they were gone within a couple of months. i only gained weight in recent years becos i have a crapped up immune system and insulin issues, quite possibly caused by years of chronic work stress and the changes my body underwent during and after i was pregnant.

maybe moms would lose weight faster, if they didn't pack on the pounds while they were pregnant.


other reasons why i didn't breast feed:

1. i love spicy food (like mexican and chinese). i love gassy food (like haluski and baked beans). i love peanut butter, strawberries and the occasional glass of fountain coke or kosher wine. these foods are off the breast feeding menu! fuck that. i wanted to eat what i wanted to eat, and i wanted to eat without guilt.

2. i liked to sleep. hubby and i took turns at night feeding the boy. can't do that when you're breast feeding. oh, i know you can pump and bottle, but remember, for at least 6 months it's strictly breast. i'm a selfish bitch, and i didn't want to be an insomniac for 6 months.

3. hubby and i liked to have grown up time. hubby and i went out one evening a week, even if it's out for a quick bite to eat. (still do). the boy was watched by either of our parents. if i nursed, we couldn't get away.

4. sometimes i needed a break. as a stay at home mom, i had no one else to turn to other than hubby and our family. i didn't go anywhere with the boy when he was really little. and i needed a break - usually it was for yoga or grocery shopping or just taking a big bath. babies nurse pretty much on demand, and moms don't get a break. call me selfish. but i needed a break. and by doing so, i became a better mother becos of it.

5. i have a chronic medical disorder called hidradenitis supporativa, which is a chronic staph infection. i get my carbuncles mostly in my pits, my groin and on my breasts. they are painful. in fact, i had a large carbuncle on my breast which led me to unnecessary ultrasound and appointments at the local breast cancer center. i do not want to be breast feeding with sore cracked nipples and a boil the size of a golf ball on my breast.

6. i'm having twins. i'm not sure if i could even produce enough milk for two babies. so why bother.

7. i realize i'm going to get reamed for saying this, but seeing a woman nursing in public gives me the willies. while most are very discreet, covering themselves up, but i have seen women bearing all. i know this is a natural thing and obviously should be allowed, but no offense, but ick. (plus it's really hard to explain to the boy when he sees someone feeding their baby with their boobie.)


i've been feeling so much guilt over not breast feeding. and i'm so sick of it. i have very valid reasons why i don't plan to breast feed. i still think it's wonderful for babies and for women. breast probably is best. but it's not the best for me.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Comments? Questions? Feel free drop me a line!