yes, it's scrapple again. thanks idgie threadgood for the quote!
foist of all...after 5 months, 2 twins and 40 pounds later, I CAN FIT INTO MY SKINNY JEANS AGAIN! i tried on my new jeans, and they fit! now, they are a bit snug, but i can fasten and zip them, and can move around in them, and i'm not gasping for breath. this just totally rocks! i was afraid i wouldn't be able to fit into them ever again. i figured, i got new jeans, got pregnant, i can kiss them goodbye! but no, they fit, i can wear them, and if i'm lucky and can swim again and walk with the stroller, they will fit even looser!
i also wore my "40's" dress to church today. it fit, and was actually a bit loose on top. i do think i'm thinner through the shoulders. i have no idear why. as much as i want to lose weight, i love this dress, and will be sad when the time comes when i can't wear it. of course, if i lose weight, it means i can find a cute dress in a smaller size! but i love this dress, nevertheless.
now i wonder if my fuck me heels still fit...and hopefully my fuck me boots. i love those shoes. it's hard to find good shoes. damn weird fat left foot.
i am becoming a crock-pot queen. so far i've made tuna noodle casserole (good except the noodles were mushy), meatballs with peppers and onions (delish) and ham and potato casserole (good but a bit salty for my taste, prolly becos of using soup.) hubby made jambalaya that was out of this world.
the babies have been kicking my ass. wednesday was really bad. eating every 2 hours, but not whole bottles, fussing, crying that no bouncy or swing could console. they wanted to be held. well that's fine. it's hard to hold 2 babies at the same time. i'm afraid of wacking their heads together, they wiggle, and considering that i'm not the skinniest girl in the world, i don't have enough room for them on my chest or shoulders. plus carrying them mere weeks postpartum isn't easy.
i have been keeping an eye out for PPD. so far i've been okay. i'm not sure when it's supposed to kick in, while i still have high hormones, or after the letdown. for years i dealt with seasonal affective disorder, but when i had the boy i wasn't as depressed. last year i felt more depressed, but i chalked it up to the MC. with having twins, taking care of the boy and not having a lot of family support right now, i'm worried about getting depressed. but i take it one day at a time. i have no choice.
NO CHOICE
having twins gets you all kinds of attention. not just on the kiddos, but the awe of parents. we get a lot of "i couldn't do what you are doing, dealing with 2 babies at a time," or "how do you deal with it?" we just do. we HAVE to. we don't have much choice in the matter. basically deal with one baby at a time, use many modifiers and short cuts. we got PODEE bottles, which have a tube attached to the nipple so we can feed them at the same time. we have a lot of duplicates - boppees, swings, bouncers, toys. and patience. i'm trying REALLY hard to have patience.
some days i can't believe they are here. their due date was on tuesday, and they are already 5 weeks old.
i look back at my pregnancy and think how quickly it went by. i miss feeling them move in my belly, having an excuse to be fat, even my weird cravings and lack thereof. some days i feel bad that i'll never feel that "i'm pregnant!" excitement again, or feel another baby kicking in my belly. it's so stupid, considering i am finished growing my family. in my HAPL group on ravelry, i feel twinges of envy when i see another lucky girl announce her pregnancy. i am so happy that these girls, who for months or years struggled to have a baby, finally be blessed. but i'll feel that excitement in other forms, especially as my children grow up.
oh yes. as soon as i get online to blog, ME squawks.
my body is eating itself. or destroying itself. tuesday night i could barely walk, the muscles on my right hip kept locking up. the muscle from above my butt wrapping around to my front was so tight and sore, so bad that it also made the muscle that runs down the front of my thigh tighten up. walking up and down the steps was so painful i cried. i RARELY cry when i'm in pain, so it was pretty bad. i thought maybe it was becos i stopped taking my souped up advil, but decided that my body must be mending itself after carrying over 40 pounds of extra weight. my knees are also driving me nuts. one knee was already screwed up, but now the other one hurts.
SURVIVOR'S GUILT
on sunday my cousin called to see how we were doing. this is my cousin who is TTC but not having luck. it was rather uncomfortable talking with her. even with my losses and trouble TTC, i have 3 kids and she has none, and i feel bad about this. i know how she feels. especially with my idiot cousins/her niece and nephews who are knocked up. she has admitted to being bitter about the pregnancies in the family, and says she feels none towards me but but i did find some chill during the call. i felt awful through the conversation. i felt a lot of "yes but" during the pauses.
"yes, i know how hard it is to struggle TTC, but i managed to get pregnant 4 times."
"yes, i lost 2 babies, but i still gave birth to 3."
it sucks. it really sucks that such a wonderful person has to struggle to have a family. that any good person who wants a child in the worse way to struggle.
speaking of which, my cousin had her baby, a girl. she only weighs 5 pounds. my cousin had trouble during the pregnancy. apparently she didn't take good care of herself and had gastric problems. she really doesn't want the baby. she wanted my cousin to adopt her. but my cousin would rather adopt a baby out of the country or somewhere else, not her own niece's daughter. i have no idear what's going to happen.
NEW MATH
i asked my cousin questions about the boy and what he should be learning in school, about recesses. she was pretty reassuring that the boy is pretty normal in his writing/coloring/reading/learning process. i feel like everything is accelerated for kids to learn in school now, and that the emphasis is on learning/test results. she complained that schools are so focused on test scores that they let normal kid things go by the wayside, such as recesses and art. i'm not nuts when i remember having 3 recesses a day at school, where the boy only has one, and my cousin said they have 2. it's a shame that we've reduced our children to test score numbers and not children. they deserve so much more education wise. and we wonder why kids can't read or do simple math anymore.
yesterday i helped with the boy's kid writing time in school. basically the kids draw a picture and then write a sentence describing the picture. apparently kid writing has replaced phonics in school. the boy can read, but only if he sees the word. never mind pronouncing it. i grew up with phonics. hubby didn't have it in school, and to this day he can read, but he stumbles over the words. and dad said that the kids in his catechism class can't read at all, and get frustrated when dad asks them to read out loud.
the boy has been getting picked on at the bus stop. not really picked on, but another boy gets all riled up, then gets the boy riled up and who then gets in trouble by hubby. found out this kid, who i thought was in 4th or 5th grade, is in **2nd** grade, having been let back twice! big elephant, picking on little kids! give him time, and he'll prolly wind up in the boy's class. so now every day we remind the boy to behave himself, and on tuesday he actually told the kid to leave him alone when he was bugging him. i hate when parents don't monitor their kids' behavior. i'm afraid to tell the kid to shove off with fear that his mother (who is a big bossy elephant herself) will pound down our door and tell us to get bent. not to sound elitist, but some days i wish i could either homeschool the boy, or else send him to a school where the kids and parents are like "us." i was so accustomed to the parents at the boy's preschool - they really were "like us" and i never had trouble with the kids picking on the boy or having bad behaviors.
i got first hand experience of the kid who gets in trouble in the boy's class. every day the boy comes home and says "this kid misbehaved today, now they have their on desk, etc. etc." i feel bad for the kid cos how can a kid get in trouble every day? well, i helped the kid with their kid writing, and the kid was cocky, wouldn't follow directions, and really outer limits. maybe ADHD? he kept fiddling with his marker, and it took all my will to not take it from him and say "LISTEN TO ME, WHAT SOUNDS DO YOU HEAR IN THIS WORD!!!" the kid makes the boy look positively phlegmatic. i pity the boy's teacher. imagine if all 17 kids acted like that! this is why i could never be a teacher. 6 months of TSS with antsy bratty kids was enough to last me a lifetime. i'm not sure who would be worse to work with - younger, antsy kids or older, defiant ones. my hat's off to any teacher!
my grams is doing really well. she gets around with a cane, but uses her walker in the morning or evening, when she is tired and unsteady. she loses the cast in october. and hopefully life will go back to normal.
MIL is starting round 2 of chemo. she stopped by on sunday to see the kids.
i cleaned out my magazine basket last week. i found magazines in there from last winter. i have another basket of old magazines in my bathroom, and when i took the gleaned magazines up there, i found magazines that are nearly **2** years old. i suppose i should get into the habit of discarding a magazine when i finish reading it. better still, stop buying or subscribing to so many magazines! actually, i did cut back on subscriptions. but i don't have time to read much anymore, and when i get into a book marathon, i can forget reading a magazine.
i finished my hat for KDO registration. it's really cute! i used vickie howell's "feel good beanie" pattern with leftover black and red yarn. it only took me a week to knit it! i hate not being able to knit anymore. that hat, which normally would have taken me a day or two to do, took me a week! i have 2 sweaters started for the babies, but by the time i finish them they will have outgrown them. i started a clappy for MIL and now i have no gumption to work on it, and it's THISCLOSE to being frogged. and i won't go there about my xmas tree skirt, the socks on needles, and all my other unfinished projects.
i did pledge to knit 4 squares for 2 blankets that my HAPL group is making for a member who is going through a difficult time with her child. i love making squares, and sampler blankets, and they are small, so hopefully it doesn't take me long to make them! i wish i could do more. i'm so used to pitching in and doing more. i hate having my knit time limited.
little wonder i have stacks and stacks of magazines!
KDO is in a few weeks! i can't wait! i am taking a double knitting class, which i've always wanted to learn but don't quite understand. i have to find yarn for my materials, which means i have to dig into my stash. i also have to dig up some "pin money" for the yarn market. i was so proud that i didn't spend my wad last year. i don't really need more yarn, but there are some stands of homespun, which is my weakness.
foist of all...after 5 months, 2 twins and 40 pounds later, I CAN FIT INTO MY SKINNY JEANS AGAIN! i tried on my new jeans, and they fit! now, they are a bit snug, but i can fasten and zip them, and can move around in them, and i'm not gasping for breath. this just totally rocks! i was afraid i wouldn't be able to fit into them ever again. i figured, i got new jeans, got pregnant, i can kiss them goodbye! but no, they fit, i can wear them, and if i'm lucky and can swim again and walk with the stroller, they will fit even looser!
i also wore my "40's" dress to church today. it fit, and was actually a bit loose on top. i do think i'm thinner through the shoulders. i have no idear why. as much as i want to lose weight, i love this dress, and will be sad when the time comes when i can't wear it. of course, if i lose weight, it means i can find a cute dress in a smaller size! but i love this dress, nevertheless.
now i wonder if my fuck me heels still fit...and hopefully my fuck me boots. i love those shoes. it's hard to find good shoes. damn weird fat left foot.
i am becoming a crock-pot queen. so far i've made tuna noodle casserole (good except the noodles were mushy), meatballs with peppers and onions (delish) and ham and potato casserole (good but a bit salty for my taste, prolly becos of using soup.) hubby made jambalaya that was out of this world.
the babies have been kicking my ass. wednesday was really bad. eating every 2 hours, but not whole bottles, fussing, crying that no bouncy or swing could console. they wanted to be held. well that's fine. it's hard to hold 2 babies at the same time. i'm afraid of wacking their heads together, they wiggle, and considering that i'm not the skinniest girl in the world, i don't have enough room for them on my chest or shoulders. plus carrying them mere weeks postpartum isn't easy.
i have been keeping an eye out for PPD. so far i've been okay. i'm not sure when it's supposed to kick in, while i still have high hormones, or after the letdown. for years i dealt with seasonal affective disorder, but when i had the boy i wasn't as depressed. last year i felt more depressed, but i chalked it up to the MC. with having twins, taking care of the boy and not having a lot of family support right now, i'm worried about getting depressed. but i take it one day at a time. i have no choice.
NO CHOICE
having twins gets you all kinds of attention. not just on the kiddos, but the awe of parents. we get a lot of "i couldn't do what you are doing, dealing with 2 babies at a time," or "how do you deal with it?" we just do. we HAVE to. we don't have much choice in the matter. basically deal with one baby at a time, use many modifiers and short cuts. we got PODEE bottles, which have a tube attached to the nipple so we can feed them at the same time. we have a lot of duplicates - boppees, swings, bouncers, toys. and patience. i'm trying REALLY hard to have patience.
some days i can't believe they are here. their due date was on tuesday, and they are already 5 weeks old.
i look back at my pregnancy and think how quickly it went by. i miss feeling them move in my belly, having an excuse to be fat, even my weird cravings and lack thereof. some days i feel bad that i'll never feel that "i'm pregnant!" excitement again, or feel another baby kicking in my belly. it's so stupid, considering i am finished growing my family. in my HAPL group on ravelry, i feel twinges of envy when i see another lucky girl announce her pregnancy. i am so happy that these girls, who for months or years struggled to have a baby, finally be blessed. but i'll feel that excitement in other forms, especially as my children grow up.
oh yes. as soon as i get online to blog, ME squawks.
my body is eating itself. or destroying itself. tuesday night i could barely walk, the muscles on my right hip kept locking up. the muscle from above my butt wrapping around to my front was so tight and sore, so bad that it also made the muscle that runs down the front of my thigh tighten up. walking up and down the steps was so painful i cried. i RARELY cry when i'm in pain, so it was pretty bad. i thought maybe it was becos i stopped taking my souped up advil, but decided that my body must be mending itself after carrying over 40 pounds of extra weight. my knees are also driving me nuts. one knee was already screwed up, but now the other one hurts.
SURVIVOR'S GUILT
on sunday my cousin called to see how we were doing. this is my cousin who is TTC but not having luck. it was rather uncomfortable talking with her. even with my losses and trouble TTC, i have 3 kids and she has none, and i feel bad about this. i know how she feels. especially with my idiot cousins/her niece and nephews who are knocked up. she has admitted to being bitter about the pregnancies in the family, and says she feels none towards me but but i did find some chill during the call. i felt awful through the conversation. i felt a lot of "yes but" during the pauses.
"yes, i know how hard it is to struggle TTC, but i managed to get pregnant 4 times."
"yes, i lost 2 babies, but i still gave birth to 3."
it sucks. it really sucks that such a wonderful person has to struggle to have a family. that any good person who wants a child in the worse way to struggle.
speaking of which, my cousin had her baby, a girl. she only weighs 5 pounds. my cousin had trouble during the pregnancy. apparently she didn't take good care of herself and had gastric problems. she really doesn't want the baby. she wanted my cousin to adopt her. but my cousin would rather adopt a baby out of the country or somewhere else, not her own niece's daughter. i have no idear what's going to happen.
NEW MATH
i asked my cousin questions about the boy and what he should be learning in school, about recesses. she was pretty reassuring that the boy is pretty normal in his writing/coloring/reading/learning process. i feel like everything is accelerated for kids to learn in school now, and that the emphasis is on learning/test results. she complained that schools are so focused on test scores that they let normal kid things go by the wayside, such as recesses and art. i'm not nuts when i remember having 3 recesses a day at school, where the boy only has one, and my cousin said they have 2. it's a shame that we've reduced our children to test score numbers and not children. they deserve so much more education wise. and we wonder why kids can't read or do simple math anymore.
yesterday i helped with the boy's kid writing time in school. basically the kids draw a picture and then write a sentence describing the picture. apparently kid writing has replaced phonics in school. the boy can read, but only if he sees the word. never mind pronouncing it. i grew up with phonics. hubby didn't have it in school, and to this day he can read, but he stumbles over the words. and dad said that the kids in his catechism class can't read at all, and get frustrated when dad asks them to read out loud.
the boy has been getting picked on at the bus stop. not really picked on, but another boy gets all riled up, then gets the boy riled up and who then gets in trouble by hubby. found out this kid, who i thought was in 4th or 5th grade, is in **2nd** grade, having been let back twice! big elephant, picking on little kids! give him time, and he'll prolly wind up in the boy's class. so now every day we remind the boy to behave himself, and on tuesday he actually told the kid to leave him alone when he was bugging him. i hate when parents don't monitor their kids' behavior. i'm afraid to tell the kid to shove off with fear that his mother (who is a big bossy elephant herself) will pound down our door and tell us to get bent. not to sound elitist, but some days i wish i could either homeschool the boy, or else send him to a school where the kids and parents are like "us." i was so accustomed to the parents at the boy's preschool - they really were "like us" and i never had trouble with the kids picking on the boy or having bad behaviors.
i got first hand experience of the kid who gets in trouble in the boy's class. every day the boy comes home and says "this kid misbehaved today, now they have their on desk, etc. etc." i feel bad for the kid cos how can a kid get in trouble every day? well, i helped the kid with their kid writing, and the kid was cocky, wouldn't follow directions, and really outer limits. maybe ADHD? he kept fiddling with his marker, and it took all my will to not take it from him and say "LISTEN TO ME, WHAT SOUNDS DO YOU HEAR IN THIS WORD!!!" the kid makes the boy look positively phlegmatic. i pity the boy's teacher. imagine if all 17 kids acted like that! this is why i could never be a teacher. 6 months of TSS with antsy bratty kids was enough to last me a lifetime. i'm not sure who would be worse to work with - younger, antsy kids or older, defiant ones. my hat's off to any teacher!
my grams is doing really well. she gets around with a cane, but uses her walker in the morning or evening, when she is tired and unsteady. she loses the cast in october. and hopefully life will go back to normal.
MIL is starting round 2 of chemo. she stopped by on sunday to see the kids.
i cleaned out my magazine basket last week. i found magazines in there from last winter. i have another basket of old magazines in my bathroom, and when i took the gleaned magazines up there, i found magazines that are nearly **2** years old. i suppose i should get into the habit of discarding a magazine when i finish reading it. better still, stop buying or subscribing to so many magazines! actually, i did cut back on subscriptions. but i don't have time to read much anymore, and when i get into a book marathon, i can forget reading a magazine.
i finished my hat for KDO registration. it's really cute! i used vickie howell's "feel good beanie" pattern with leftover black and red yarn. it only took me a week to knit it! i hate not being able to knit anymore. that hat, which normally would have taken me a day or two to do, took me a week! i have 2 sweaters started for the babies, but by the time i finish them they will have outgrown them. i started a clappy for MIL and now i have no gumption to work on it, and it's THISCLOSE to being frogged. and i won't go there about my xmas tree skirt, the socks on needles, and all my other unfinished projects.
i did pledge to knit 4 squares for 2 blankets that my HAPL group is making for a member who is going through a difficult time with her child. i love making squares, and sampler blankets, and they are small, so hopefully it doesn't take me long to make them! i wish i could do more. i'm so used to pitching in and doing more. i hate having my knit time limited.
little wonder i have stacks and stacks of magazines!
KDO is in a few weeks! i can't wait! i am taking a double knitting class, which i've always wanted to learn but don't quite understand. i have to find yarn for my materials, which means i have to dig into my stash. i also have to dig up some "pin money" for the yarn market. i was so proud that i didn't spend my wad last year. i don't really need more yarn, but there are some stands of homespun, which is my weakness.
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