a thread on ravelry made me think about God and my faith.
i am a christian. i am lutheran. both my dad and FIL are ministers. i have grown up in the faith all my life, gone to church and sunday school, rarely missing a sunday.
i grew up with God answering prayers in 3 ways - "yes", "no" and "wait and see". never anything cut and dried.
maybe i'm simpleton, or maybe i'm afraid, but it never occurred to me to doubt God in the bad circumstances in my life.
i never doubted God when i lost mac. i chalked that miscarriage up to dumb luck. miscarriages happen. that's what the biology scholar in my told my head and my heart.
a year later i was blessed with the boy. my miracle baby.
i questioned God when i had my summer from hell 5 years ago. 2 children close to my family died but my child was spared. good triumphed over evil, and i don't know why.
then i lost ani last year. this miscarriage really scared me. it's not normal to have 2 miscarriages. did it mean that i wasn't fit physically to have another child? maybe i wasn't a good enough mother? maybe i was only meant to have one child?
i prayed, but maybe it was superficial. i forgot to pray. my son reminded me to pray for a brother and sister for him. for a little kid, he had faith.
then this happened to me one day. God was telling me something. i laid my life out to him and said it was His will if i got pregnant. it was the last month we were going to try. that the answer to my question, whether it was "yes", "no" or "wait and see", i would accept. it may not be the answer i sought, but it would be answered.
a month later, i found out i was pregnant.
a few weeks later, i found out we were expecting twins.
i spent the next 8 months on modified self imposed bed rest. i developed gestational diabetes and at the end, pre-eclampsia and pre-term labor. i couldn't breathe and had panic attacks that i would die.
my babies were born 5 weeks early and spent their first week of life in the NICU. but neither had major complications and according to the doctors, "were blissfully boring" compared to the other babies who faced more severe challenges.
my boy, who desired a brother or a sister for so long, was blessed with both. he loves them and is so wonderful with them.
i have witnessed so many miracles in my life. meeting my husband. my children. my family. being saved from near accidents. being delivered from hell on many occasions for reasons unknown.
i know it's dumb, but i'm afraid to not show gratitude to God. do you know what it's like, to spend every day of your life, afraid of having someone taken away from you? fear over losing one of my children. my husband. my family. every day i give thanks to God for those i love.
i missed church for several sundays this summer, as i got closer to my due date. i really did miss the services, seeing people every sunday, listening to lessons. missing one service may be a treat, but missing several just feels weird. and wrong.
i'm not a good person. i'm selfish, i'm crass, and i can be mean. and these are the first things to come to my mind and i know i have a bazillion things wrong with me. but i am amazed that altho i have all these faults, God still loves me, and that he has shown me so much grace.
this is why my daughter's middle name is faith. it's a constant reminder for me to keep my faith in God. i am always grateful for his grace.
i am a christian. i am lutheran. both my dad and FIL are ministers. i have grown up in the faith all my life, gone to church and sunday school, rarely missing a sunday.
i grew up with God answering prayers in 3 ways - "yes", "no" and "wait and see". never anything cut and dried.
maybe i'm simpleton, or maybe i'm afraid, but it never occurred to me to doubt God in the bad circumstances in my life.
i never doubted God when i lost mac. i chalked that miscarriage up to dumb luck. miscarriages happen. that's what the biology scholar in my told my head and my heart.
a year later i was blessed with the boy. my miracle baby.
i questioned God when i had my summer from hell 5 years ago. 2 children close to my family died but my child was spared. good triumphed over evil, and i don't know why.
then i lost ani last year. this miscarriage really scared me. it's not normal to have 2 miscarriages. did it mean that i wasn't fit physically to have another child? maybe i wasn't a good enough mother? maybe i was only meant to have one child?
i prayed, but maybe it was superficial. i forgot to pray. my son reminded me to pray for a brother and sister for him. for a little kid, he had faith.
then this happened to me one day. God was telling me something. i laid my life out to him and said it was His will if i got pregnant. it was the last month we were going to try. that the answer to my question, whether it was "yes", "no" or "wait and see", i would accept. it may not be the answer i sought, but it would be answered.
a month later, i found out i was pregnant.
a few weeks later, i found out we were expecting twins.
i spent the next 8 months on modified self imposed bed rest. i developed gestational diabetes and at the end, pre-eclampsia and pre-term labor. i couldn't breathe and had panic attacks that i would die.
my babies were born 5 weeks early and spent their first week of life in the NICU. but neither had major complications and according to the doctors, "were blissfully boring" compared to the other babies who faced more severe challenges.
my boy, who desired a brother or a sister for so long, was blessed with both. he loves them and is so wonderful with them.
i have witnessed so many miracles in my life. meeting my husband. my children. my family. being saved from near accidents. being delivered from hell on many occasions for reasons unknown.
i know it's dumb, but i'm afraid to not show gratitude to God. do you know what it's like, to spend every day of your life, afraid of having someone taken away from you? fear over losing one of my children. my husband. my family. every day i give thanks to God for those i love.
i missed church for several sundays this summer, as i got closer to my due date. i really did miss the services, seeing people every sunday, listening to lessons. missing one service may be a treat, but missing several just feels weird. and wrong.
i'm not a good person. i'm selfish, i'm crass, and i can be mean. and these are the first things to come to my mind and i know i have a bazillion things wrong with me. but i am amazed that altho i have all these faults, God still loves me, and that he has shown me so much grace.
this is why my daughter's middle name is faith. it's a constant reminder for me to keep my faith in God. i am always grateful for his grace.
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