ch..ch..changes...

for a while now i have been feeling at loose ends.  i chalk it up to caring for two inquisitive 9 months olds and a 6 and a half year old.  i'm coming out of a long sick season, dealing with colds and bronchitis and pneumonia (with the boy).  carrying twins walloped my system, and i figured if it takes twice as long to heal from pregnancy, that it must take twice that to heal from twins.  i don't have a lot of time to myself anymore.

some comments the acupuncturist said to me last week gave me pause.  he reminded me to take care of me.  he suggested i do my yoga on a regular basis.  he suggested i break a sweat to help with detox.  he reminded me to take time for me - not just take a break with a cuppa, but an actual break, with massage, yoga, stretching, breathing.  my system is out of whack, so to speak, but i can heal myself.  but i have to make changes first.

i've heard this lots of times from friends and family and doctors.  take time for me.  when am i to take time for me when i have to plan for it?  plan for someone to take care of the kiddos;  schedule a massage or treatment;  sign up for yoga.  these things take money and time.  both are in short order for me.  then i thought of things i could do for me that don't cost anything.

a long time ago i used to do skin brushing.  skin brushing is when you brush your skin with a natural brush, with long strokes going towards your heart.  you're supposed to brush your skin for 5 minutes, a couple times a day.  supposedly this helps your system detox.  skin is one of the largest organs in the body. i started doing this the day of my acupuncture, and got the same tingly feeling.  i also soaked in bath salts, and felt good too.  now if only i can keep this up...

then i took a look at my time.  i thought of things i like to do.  i love to knit.  i love to read.  i love to make stitch markers.  i love to glitter and glue.  i love to swim.  i love to take walks and listen to music.  i love to do yoga.  some days i like to sit and just be.  

then i looked at what i can do to make those things happen.  

i spend a lot of time suckage on ravelry and facebook.  facebook doesn't take a lot of time.  i can take it or leave it.  but i hover on ravelry, and i really don't need to.  then i looked at the groups i belong to on ravelry.  i purged groups a few months back, and wondered where i could cut back again.  which groups fed me, and which ones were sheer time suckage.  there aren't many groups i'm really active in.  the main one was HAPL.

i have been thinking about this group all week, ever since last week's incident.  a lot of people left the group this week.  i wondered why.  was it becos of the incident?  did they feel ready to move on?  it made me wonder if i should stay in the group too.

for one thing, my miscarriage was nearly 2 years ago.  i had the twins since then.  my losses hurt, but really, i need to move on.  i cannot keep dwelling on my losses.  they sucked and they are bittersweet, and they will always be a part of me.  but i am in a different place than i was 2 years ago...nearly a year and a half ago...even 9 months ago.  but i have 3 children to take care of and love, and by dwelling on ani and mac i am doing a disservice to their memory.  and it's not fair to the kiddos.

my mc is no longer fresh in my memory.  there is little that i can offer to a new woman experiencing loss.  i'm sure they look at my profile and wonder why i am there.  how much of a help am i to someone who has multiple losses or infertility when obviously i haven't had a lot of trouble in that department?  

when i left the group earlier this year, i still followed the moms thread and the pregnant again thread, as there were girls whose pregnancies i followed.  i still care, but not entirely much anymore.  why should i stay in a group that i just don't care about anymore?  am i afraid of hurting someone's feelings?  am i afraid i won't be able to find someone else as supportive?  i shouldn't be afraid.  i don't know these people IRL.  why should i care what they think?  and i do belong to other mom groups - maybe it's time i get to know those moms there.  

i think i'm going to take a break from HAPL and ravelry.  maybe by freeing up time from that, i can spend time doing things that really do nurture my soul.  i have so many things i want to knit.  i can work on my stitch markers.  i can do yoga.

i like the buzzy feeling i got after my acupuncture treatment.  and i can get that again.  but i have to let go of things that certainly aren't helping me relax or heal.  i will not get entirely well if i continue to let my past linger instead of letting it go.  it's time to make some changes.