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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

fix me

for months i have been dealing with this insanely annoying cough.  every morning i wake up, cough up my lungs then spend the rest of the day trying to clear the gunk out of my throat and chest.  i went to my GP a few times and at one point she put me on preds which helped for a while, but the damn cough never went away.  on top of that, i'm constantly exhausted.  i know i'm busy, but i can't believe that i'm that busy that i'm tired all the time.  my GP referred me to an ear/nose/throat doctor for reflux but he found nothing wrong with me.  after my last bout with a cold, she finally referred me to an allergist.  i had been to one years ago for my allergies, and worked with one for a few months, but this time she referred me to confirm asthma.

i met with the allergist last week, x-rays in hand from my last sinus and bronchial infections, to seek some resolve to my annoying cough.  after looking over the films (he laughed that they were films and not on disk) and reading my reports, plus examining me, he determined that i probably did have asthma that was exacerbated by the bout of H1N1 i had last halloween.  the swine flu apparently didn't clear up entirely, and kept my body in a constant run down state, which resulted in the various infections that cropped up over the past year.  he put me on a longer course of preds, a stronger antibiotic, and an inhaler.

then he talked to me about my weight.  he was concerned about my BMI and my weight which is way to much for my height.  he asked me questions about what my weight was over the years, and then proceeded to explain that my weight would only cause more health issues (as it had already with the asthma, HBP, the insulin resistance, the gestational diabetes and lord knows what else), and didn't i want to be healthy so i could be there for my kids?  he didn't want to recommend gastric bypass for me, which by my BMI i was eligible, but that i would have to work hard to lose the weight and hopefully alleviate the health issues that were plaguing me.  basically, being fat kept my body in a constant state of inflammation, and it was damaging my body.

i don't know what it is about GMC docs.  two years ago, when i saw the RE Nazi RE after my miscarriage, the doctor harangued me for 15 minutes about my weight and wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise.  the doctor basically told me that i had to exercise for an hour a day, 7 days a week, to lose the weight.  had he shut up long enough he would have learned that i lost a pant size in the space of month since i'd been doing pissed off power laps, and that the new jeans i'd gotten were loose already.  i left that appointment feeling extremely battered and feeling much worse off than when i entered the office.  i went to that appointment for reproductive issues, not "let's bash fatty".  i remember crying all the way home.  i know i'm a big girl and even acknowledge that i'm fat, but to have it laid out on the table by someone else - it hurt.  it hurt a lot.

the doctor last week, i think he felt uncomfortable bringing up the subject.  it's not easy or fun to tell someone they are fat.  i do appreciate his honesty and concern.  but the bluntness took me aback, as i didn't expect it.  yet again, i felt bruised by his honesty.  i cried on my drive home too.

he was a bit wishy washy about my weight too.  first, he told me i should do a diet like weight watchers. while i appreciate the program and know that it works, i can't afford it, even to do it online.  there are other weight loss programs but they are costly too.

i know i need to exercise more.  i swim, and i would love to swim every day, but who's going to watch my babies while i swim?  i can't ask my folks to do it every day - they have lives too - and while there are swim times in the evenings when hubby can watch them, it's hard to swim laps becos the entire pool is being utilized by kids.  i want to do zumba - it's just a matter of finding a place and time conducive to my schedule.  i may be able to take classes at a local church sunday evenings, and the price is right too.  if everything works out right, i may be able to take my yoga classes again.  i loved doing yoga in a class setting, and i honestly believe that some of my health issues stem from not doing regular yoga.

while my eating habits could be desired, my diet isn't terribly bad.  i believe in fresh, organic meats and produce, i don't eat a lot of junk, but i do allow myself a splurge.  i make a lot of homemade meals, although in the past year i've resorted to using my crock pot, and some of the recipes call for processed soups and vegetables.  i do tweak the recipes to reflect less on processed and more homemade, but it's been an imperfect process.  plus, we've ordered take out way more often this year than any other time in my life.  with the kiddos, and being tired, i didn't have the energy to muster a meal, so it was quicker to order a pizza, or chinese, or send out for hamburgers.

i know what i'm supposed to do to lose weight become more healthy.  i know how to eat and i know i should exercise more.

my doctor emphasized that i need to "take care of me".  spend more time "taking care of me".  how the hell am i suppose to "take care of me" when i have to spend my time taking care of two toddlers, an increasingly moody seven year old and an equally tired hubby?  throw in worrying about my aging parents and grandmother, paying the bills, and, well, it's hard to concentrate on "me".  doctor looked at hubby during this speech and told him that he would have to "be more supportive of me".  hubby has been supportive of me since forever, and he takes wonderful care of the children and even the home - hubby vacuums up their crumbs, washes and fills their bottles, wakes up with them in the night when they cry.  believe me, he does more than enough.  this comment really pissed me off.

he then ends the conversation that the next time he sees me (in a few weeks for a follow up) that he expected me to be a few pounds lighter...or the same weight.  which is it?  am i supposed to lose five pounds or still be fat?  some specifics, please?

some days i wish i could wear a sign that says i hate being fat.  i am ashamed of being fat.  do you honestly think i want to be fat?  it sucks.  do you think it's fun to find pants that fit my waist only to bag on my ass and thighs, or that shirts that fit my belly hang off my shoulders?  at the end of the day, fat people and child molesters will still be ridiculed.  people are more accepting of being gay, having a child out of wedlock, or living in sin, but god forbid you're fat.

i can practically pinpoint when my weight issues started.  i've been dealing with them since i was twelve.  at that age i started developing T&A, but unfortunately my scotch-irish peasant genes kept me short and squatty.  i remember a picture, probably when i was fifteen or sixteen, where i was pear shaped - i had a big ass and hips.  it was hard being a size 12/14 in a size 6 (!!!) world.  back then my weight would have put me at the top end of the BMI "healthy" scale.  but i always thought i was fat.  boy, what i'd give to go back then.  i'dve rocked my body more.

i gained the requisite freshman 15/20 in college.  i remember my college boyfriend once made a comment that "i was fat".  he's lucky he graduated magna cum laude with his balls intact.  i lost about 20 pounds during my "junior year from hell" when some stressors, combined with swimming laps, shrank me down.  what i wouldn't give to have that body back too, but at least back then i knew to rock it with my mini kilts and HH mary janes.

i gained weight working at the county, from the stress/desk job, and at every job since gained a bit more, from stress.  my body absorbs stress like a sponge.  stress must share some evil genetic connection with fat cells.  the more stressed i was, the fatter i got.

i gained only 25 pounds with the boy, promptly lost the weight, but gained some back.  hubby and i tried south beach, but he lost 25 pounds, and i lost maybe 5.

i discovered yoga and organics, and for a while, i felt good.  i was still fat, but i felt like i was a "fit" fat.  those types do exist.  but then my yoga class lost its location and i couldn't afford to take the classes at the hospital becos they didn't have the same punch card plan as my teachers.  also, i had my gallbladder removed, and i'm sure the minor surgery had some major affect on my body, becos not long after i was diagnosed with HBP and a year later, insulin resistance.  i'm positive now that doing yoga had kept those ailments at bay.  while i did some yoga at home, it just wasn't the same as a class setting.

after i got my sugars under control, we tried for another baby but lost it.  the miscarriage mucked up my system more.  i had an extra 5 pounds that no matter how much i ate or exercised, wouldn't budge.  it took a bout of flu and power laps at the pool to melt the poundage, and i'm convinced that's what helped me conceive the kiddos.

carrying twins, having a c-section, caused more problems with my body.  carrying twins is like no normal pregnancy, and while i lost the weight from carrying them, the gestational diabetes left an indelible mark.  the surgery no doubt shocked my system.  caring for two infants, a kindergardener and a home then left me more run down.  it's no doubt that this "perfect storm" is what caused me to get sick in the first place.  my reluctance for stronger antibiotics when i was sick probably didn't help either.

i didn't get fat overnight.  it took nearly 15, almost 20 years.  i know it won't fall off of me over night.  i know i need to make changes.  i know these changes have to be for the rest of my life.

i hate being fat.  i hate this fucking cough.  i hate being exhausted all of the time. i hate that i can't depend on my body anymore.  i just want to be fixed. please someone, fix me.  please.

1 comment:

  1. I get yelled at also by my doctor, which is why I haven't been back in months! They really don't have to be so rude.


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