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Saturday, May 14, 2011

personal WIP, part 3

this post was stuck in the midst of blogger's recent breakdown.  

last friday night i went to bed at 9:30 pm.  the last time i went to bed that early was before i had a life met hubby.  i was really tired and decided to forgo watching CSI: NY.  i slept till 7 the next morning.  with twins and a big kid, that never happens.  every night that week, in fact, i went to bed around 10 and fell asleep within minutes.  

a funny thing happens when you go to bed early.  i wasn't as tired during the day.  i had more energy.  surprise surprise, i got housework done!  i felt more patient with my kids!  too bad we can't bottle it!  

you know your life has seen better days when your hubby comments on how much more relaxed you seem. that you seem happier.  i even looked in the mirror one morning and noticed how different my face looked. relaxed.  softer.  vaguely wrinkle -less (yeah, i wish).  

have you ever gotten to a point in your life when you throw up your hands and say "that's it!  i'm done! something needs to change, and it's going to be me!"  well, that happened to me, and it was the wake up call i needed to make some changes.

it seems that lately my life has been affected by other people's actions - good, bad, indifferent.  a "control freak" by nature, it's hard for me to change or accept something on a dime.  and when something happens to you that you have no control over, it rilly rilly sucks.

last week my grandmother was hit by a car.  the driver drove off, not knowing that she'd knocked my grandmother to the pavement.  the driver was apprehended that day - an 86 year old woman.  as a result of the woman's actions, my grandmother has a broken arm, scratches and bruises.  it could have been worse.  

becos of this incident, we had to cancel our upcoming weekend vacation.  it wasn't a big one - going to cabelas, taking the kids to the crayon factory and strasburg railroad.  with my folks dropping out, hubby and i didn't have the energy to deal with the kids at places our hearts weren't really into visiting. (the original vacation plans were to go to vermont - we wanted to go to the vermont country store and drive down the new england coast - but old man winter fudged that plan up too when we lost a snow make-up day).  our finances are extremely tight at the moment, and we couldn't afford to go on our own either.  hubby and i are seeing our favorite band this summer and we'll stay overnight somewhere, but it's a small little trip, not especially refreshing, and what little extra money we have will go to the hotel/food/tickets for the show.

my mom's having surgery next month and will spend much of the summer recuperating.  guess what that does to my kid free wednesdays?  i bet you'd feel depressed too knowing your mom days were getting yanked.

i'd been looking forward to getting away - it's been a long hard winter and cold rainy spring - and now our vacation plans fizzled.  i'm losing my mom days (albeit temporarily) but they are important to me in keeping my sanity.   i've been trying to dig out of my depression hole for weeks and it seemed that no matter what i did, i kept getting kicked back into that hole.  having twins is especially draining. some days i feel like a battery that's only half charged.  it's frustrating and yes, depressing.

i can't help how others affect me but i can make changes within myself.  to wit:

1.  i took a yoga class from a new center and liked it.  i can't wait to go back.  i like the way i felt afterwards.  i felt more calm and in control.  i can only imagine how i'd feel i practiced on a consistent basis!

2.  eating more produce.  this may be a no brainer, but after a hard winter of hearty meals, my body is craving lighter fresher fare.  i can't wait until our growing season is in swing.  that leads to...

3.  planting my flowers and veggies.  i've done this ever since we moved here, but this summer i want to do it myself.  the watering, the fertilizing, the weeding.  reconnecting with nature is a balm for the soul.

4.  cutting back on online browsing.  thanks to my iphone, i could peruse my favorite blogs and groups on facebook and ravelry.  lately ravelry has been annoying me.  no matter what i say, whether it is regarding a comment about my favorite soap opera or things i do with my blog, i practically get ripped a new butt.  when my favorite group has me feeling worse about myself, it's time to say goodbye and Godspeed.  by having less screen time, i'm doing more things, like reading and (lo and behold!) knitting!  (i think my bedtime sleepies are coming from me not being online so late.  miracles!)

i do keep up with some of my favorite mommy blogs.  despite having different faith beliefs, i respect them, i'm learning from them, and the fact that we have the same goal - raising children with faith in a world where faith is looked down upon - makes me feel like i'm doing okay with what i have to work with.  

5.  indulging myself, just a little bit.  the bottle is old, but i got the glass at my local health food store.  nice way to increase my fluid intake right?

i'm not sure how these changes will shake out.  i'm hoping for the best.  i don't even want to think about the alternative!

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