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Sunday, October 13, 2013

Spiritual maelstrom

I have this recurring dream. I dream that I'm at my old church.  Sometimes the church is full of people, sometimes it is empty. Sometimes the place doesn't look like my church, but it just feels like it.

I am angry in all of my dreams. Sometimes it's directed at a specific person or persons, but mostly at nobody. 

My anger turns to rage, and I verbally lash out. I usually scream eff you and give the middle finger. Sometimes I add more filthy language to the f-bomb, and in one dream I actually threw a boulder at someone. But mostly I swear, flip the bird to the person I'm angry at (and in a few dreams, the pulpit itself) then turn on my heel and walk out of the church. 

I've had this dream for months and it's really bugging the heck out of me. This is no garden variety dream - I think it's trying to tell me something. I used to think my school dreams were bad but this makes me feel horrible. 

I thought I was moving away from the anger and sadness of the loss of my old church.  I accepted the fact that my family is no longer welcome there. We are acclimated to our new one and are becoming active in it.  The people there are nice and seem to like us and the kids.  The kids are flourishing in Sunday school and children's choir, and we like our Sunday school class .  But still, as a new member I feel a bit like an outsider. 

My parents seem settled in their new church. They enjoy their Sunday school class and dad joined the sawdust ministry. Occasionally they take the kids to church and often get compliments on how well behaved they are. (When I hear this, I swear they are talking about other kids. My kids are noisy and pick at one another. If it's not one, it's another!)

I guess I still have some issues with the church body.  At this point all I can do is pray about it.