yesterday i was 3 days late with symptoms so i tested. BFN. bugger. and my monthly bill decided to show today.
i don't know what to do now. this was our last chance to have a baby before the boy goes to school. i really didn't want to go past September becos of him starting school. that's a big enough adjustment, i didn't want to add new baby to the mix too.
i think i have a problem. 5 times we've tried. twice i swore i was and wasn't. three times i wasn't and knew i wasn't. it's like my body is missing the spark. i still think it's hormonal, but got forbid any of my doctors listen to me.
so anyway, i had my great cry before hubby went to work. just completely lost it. i'm so sick of this. i just wanted to be pregnant so i could be happy for the holidays. not that i won't be happy for the holidays, but losing a really put a pall on the holidays for me this year.
during all this i wonder why won't God bless us again? am i such a horrible mother that i shouldn't have another child? i think of the bitch in berwick who threw her baby out a window, into the cold, before thanksgiving. what kind of mother does that? i think of all the crackhead parents i worked with at the county. why could they have 5 kids, beat them, starve them, perp them, and i'm struggling to have one more? i realize i shouldn't be selfish and be grateful for the one i have, but seriously, what's wrong with me?
so anyway, i cleaned myself off and went to the grocery store. coming out of the store i saw a bumper sticker on this old truck. it said "don't worry. God is here."
well. didn't see that one coming. God decided to send me a bumper sticker to wake me up instead of a bold of lightning.
so then i got gas for the car and as i'm pumping i'm welling up with tears. anyone who saw me prolly wondered who the nutjob getting gas was.
as i'm driving to my next destination i decided to lay it all out. cars are great for this...for crying, screaming, whatever, and no one will hear you (as long as you're driving.)
i cried and finally accepted that i need to let God shoulder my problems. i need to be more patient waiting for the answers. i have to have more faith in him that he knows what's best for me and my family. i just opened my soul and let it all out.
he stayed with me. at the surplus store i discovered that my wallet was missing when i went to pay for my groceries. i freaked out worrying that it was gone for good and all the cards and things i'll have to cancel and replace. i got to my car and there's my wallet, laying on the arm of the front seat. it must have fallen out of my purse. at least it didn't fall out of my pocket as i first feared.
then last night i had a dream and my grandfather was in it. he died almost 25 years ago on my birthday. he was my favorite grandfather. i rarely dream about him and when i do i totally relish it becos it feels like a visit (realize i'm bawling as write this). anyway, i dreamt that i was on vacation with my family and we were at a store, like the vermont country store. we were buying candy and i bought my favorite candies, majeskas (or whatever they're called). i picked up a couple of pieces and wanted to buy this big piece, except it was $50 (for that size, that's probably true since they're really expensive). the next thing i saw i was sitting at a table, and we were getting ready to eat. someone had placed a small plate in front of me with a couple pieces of fried chicken. my grandmother's plate had turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce, and i started to protest that i really would have rathered that than the chicken (altho i love fried chicken too). Pap bowed his head and started praying...i don't know what his words were (when dead people talk in my dreams, they always sound garbled) but i knew they were about me. i woke up not long afterwards, and felt loving warmth. i wish the dream lasted longer, but you get what you get and relish it.
i don't know what God's trying to tell me, but maybe if i listen closer, i'll find out.
i don't know what to do now. this was our last chance to have a baby before the boy goes to school. i really didn't want to go past September becos of him starting school. that's a big enough adjustment, i didn't want to add new baby to the mix too.
i think i have a problem. 5 times we've tried. twice i swore i was and wasn't. three times i wasn't and knew i wasn't. it's like my body is missing the spark. i still think it's hormonal, but got forbid any of my doctors listen to me.
so anyway, i had my great cry before hubby went to work. just completely lost it. i'm so sick of this. i just wanted to be pregnant so i could be happy for the holidays. not that i won't be happy for the holidays, but losing a really put a pall on the holidays for me this year.
during all this i wonder why won't God bless us again? am i such a horrible mother that i shouldn't have another child? i think of the bitch in berwick who threw her baby out a window, into the cold, before thanksgiving. what kind of mother does that? i think of all the crackhead parents i worked with at the county. why could they have 5 kids, beat them, starve them, perp them, and i'm struggling to have one more? i realize i shouldn't be selfish and be grateful for the one i have, but seriously, what's wrong with me?
so anyway, i cleaned myself off and went to the grocery store. coming out of the store i saw a bumper sticker on this old truck. it said "don't worry. God is here."
well. didn't see that one coming. God decided to send me a bumper sticker to wake me up instead of a bold of lightning.
so then i got gas for the car and as i'm pumping i'm welling up with tears. anyone who saw me prolly wondered who the nutjob getting gas was.
as i'm driving to my next destination i decided to lay it all out. cars are great for this...for crying, screaming, whatever, and no one will hear you (as long as you're driving.)
i cried and finally accepted that i need to let God shoulder my problems. i need to be more patient waiting for the answers. i have to have more faith in him that he knows what's best for me and my family. i just opened my soul and let it all out.
he stayed with me. at the surplus store i discovered that my wallet was missing when i went to pay for my groceries. i freaked out worrying that it was gone for good and all the cards and things i'll have to cancel and replace. i got to my car and there's my wallet, laying on the arm of the front seat. it must have fallen out of my purse. at least it didn't fall out of my pocket as i first feared.
then last night i had a dream and my grandfather was in it. he died almost 25 years ago on my birthday. he was my favorite grandfather. i rarely dream about him and when i do i totally relish it becos it feels like a visit (realize i'm bawling as write this). anyway, i dreamt that i was on vacation with my family and we were at a store, like the vermont country store. we were buying candy and i bought my favorite candies, majeskas (or whatever they're called). i picked up a couple of pieces and wanted to buy this big piece, except it was $50 (for that size, that's probably true since they're really expensive). the next thing i saw i was sitting at a table, and we were getting ready to eat. someone had placed a small plate in front of me with a couple pieces of fried chicken. my grandmother's plate had turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce, and i started to protest that i really would have rathered that than the chicken (altho i love fried chicken too). Pap bowed his head and started praying...i don't know what his words were (when dead people talk in my dreams, they always sound garbled) but i knew they were about me. i woke up not long afterwards, and felt loving warmth. i wish the dream lasted longer, but you get what you get and relish it.
i don't know what God's trying to tell me, but maybe if i listen closer, i'll find out.
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