river

i think if i scroll back through this blog i'll find another post by this name, and it will prolly say the same thing.

i was reminded of this song by joni mitchell today. it's such a sad holiday song, but it really fits my sentiment.

last week i had my check up for my sugar/bp. all fine on the home front. got the okay for the extra supplements i've been taking. tried to grovel for hormone level bloodwork by whining about my damn shedding hair. is it breaking off? no. do i have huge patches of missing hair? no. but i'm losing new baby hairs, and that's troubling. last night i tweezed some annoying curly eyelashes, and accidentally made a bald spot in the corner of my eye. feh.

i'm trying to explain to my doc my frustration about not conceiving, asking if maybe my hormones are screwed up since i'm still shedding. i somehow wound up saying "i feel like a failure" and boy did the floodgates break forth! bawled and bawled and bawled, and doc's trying to console me saying the loss and the fact that we're not pregnant is NOT my fault, that conception is a miracle, blah blah blah. gawd. if i had a dollar for every "you need to relax"..."babies are miracles"..."don't THINK about it!"..."it's not your fault"...and every other pregnancy and miscarriage cliche, we could just buy a baby from africa or something. then doc asks me if hubby and i ever considered going to therapy in order to deal with the loss. uh, no. what can a therapist tell me that i haven't already heard? i did therapy once, actually the same time as my first MC, and it was a bore. unless the therapist experienced pregnancy loss too, do they know what it feels like to feel behind everyone else? how special occasions make me feel panicky? that i know it's not my fault but i still wonder if it was a bad hamburger/cup of coke/smelling paint fumes/swimming too much didn't hurt my baby? why should i shell out $100 to someone who doesn't have a clue when i can get free advice/support from my group on ravelry?

it's funny. some days i'm fine. other days i'm a wreck.

hence, why i wish i could skate away i live near a river, but just can't skate away on it. :P

if i don't get lucky with this cycle, i'm toying with scheduling a spa pampering session for myself at a local spa. i have a newspaper coupon for a massage, facial, mani/pedi and paraffin dip for $99. a huge sum for me, but maybe a small price to pay since i feel so shitty lately.