leftovers

it's after the holidays and i've neglected my little bloggy long enough. so this is what's been happening...

survived the t-day hols with the inlaws. for once, the visit wasn't bad after all. i invented a new game called "who's got the biggest elephant" since there's always some drama going on with hubby's family. either the drama was hidden well, or there just wasn't drama at all. hubby's cousin is still being a bitch to her benevolent family. other cousin's are duking it out against C&Y (good for them!) long time ill cousin seemed in good spirits and less stoned (from her meds) than usual. no one mentioned our elephant. with everyone else's problems, ours prolly seems small. not to us, tho. but whatever.

i made dinner for hubby and the boy - just simple stuff like ham and steamed broccoli. country cupboard made the baked macaroni and baked corn. i got twice as much than last year and we're still living off it! it was a nice quiet day.

friday was spent with my family eating at country cupboard (more roni and corn!) it's just cheaper to eat there the day after - it's the same food anyway. i got a new wreath for the front door, some new xmas ornaments. i got a small pink glass bear to hang on the tree. maybe it's dumb, but it gives me comfort. i have no idear if a was a girl, but she always felt like one.

put up the rest of our decorations including the tree. we got a smaller tree this year, tall and thin. i only put on half the ornaments from other years, just my favorite glass and snoopy ones, the boy's baby ones, some odd ball ones that have been on the tree since i was a little girl. it should take less time to undecorate after the new year, which is good for me! it's my own fault, but tree decorating is tiring.

i'm still working on the tree skirt. i'm about 2/3s done with it. it looks gorgeous. i bought flannel to line the underside, but mom and my knitting teacher don't think i should do it. it will lose its drapiness if i do. so i won't line it...and use the flannel for something else.

today is supposed to be the day of AF's visit. i'm waiting until friday to test, unless she visits sooner than that. i don't feel optimistic. i have lower cramping, and my boobs feel twingy, but i'm just not feeling it. i didn't feel it in may either, so that's what i'm hoping for.

i feel more panicky lately. i'm not looking forward to christmas and the new year. maybe it's becos we're not pregnant again, but this loss has been excruciatingly more painful. it doesn't help when i hear "BFP!" all over the place, and it looks like i'm the last of the loss group who hasn't conceived since my MC. i feel incredibly left behind. i felt that way with the boy too. i'm trying to keep my faith. i pray daily. i take good care of myself. i try to not think about it. but now that the 2ww is over, i feel like i'm in a slowly ticking clock, and that everything i want is slowly slipping through my fingers. the boy keeps telling me, "i hope you have a baby, and it's a girl, cos you'd make a good mommy" (he also said this to hubby, some days, he's the better mommy!) from your mouth to god's ears, little dude!

i guess that's it. i have to go order some supplements from drugstore.com. the kitchen and dining room look like bombs went off. i have xmas paper and bows and presents all over to be wrapped. i love xmas, but it's so messy sometimes!