SAD

i've dealt with depression for much of my life.  starting in junior high, i was the psychiatrist wet dream:  depressed, anxious, self conscious, paranoid, and shy to the point of it being debilitating.  during my later high school years i started to carve out my own individuality and while my moods stabilized somewhat, i still felt depression off and on for years, usually situational.

it wasn't until years later, when i had the boy, i noticed that some of these patterns coincided with the seasons.  my depression usually started in early fall - i always called it my "after the bloomsburg fair dumps".  i always felt like i should settle in for hibernation, starting in october.  while there were the few bright moments - halloween, thanksgiving, christmas and valentines day - i pretty much wanted to crawl into a hole and emerge from it on my birthday in mid march.  i think i had SAD - seasonal affective disorder.

when i was pregnant with the boy, i was fearful of having post partum depression.  i was afraid that years of off and on depression would render me a mess once the baby was born.  the funny thing was, after the boy was born, i wasn't depressed.  perhaps i was deluded and just happy that i had a beautiful living baby, but outside of the occasional blues, i was happy.

this lasted for 5 years, until i lost ani.  pregnancy loss is a wicked bitch, and it turned my life inside out.  and that fall, between the anxiety of TTC and ani's looming EDD, my depression was back.

we found out we were expecting the kiddos shortly after the new year, and those fears and anxieties were just a whole 'nother kettle of fish.  the kiddos were born with no major problems and we were delighted with the completion of our family.

caring for and raising 3 children is an obvious strain.  trying to balance the interests of 3 children at 2 deeply different stages of development is a challenge.  one baby is tiring.  2 babies was exhausting!  for the first time in over 6 years, my SAD returned.

i thought that as the kiddos grew up, they would be easier to care for.  not so!  at the end of the day, after a day of chasing the kids away from my china cupboard doors, where they discovered my stash of beeswax candles, to closing the front door so they don't pinch their fingers since they enjoy playing with the door, i am exhausted.  i realize that children are exhausting in themselves, but these kids leave me whipped.

the tiredness is an evil cycle in itself.  i'm a big girl and i snore quite a bit, and this apnea prevents me from getting the rest i need.  i'm tired and have little energy to be super active.  if i was super active, i'd lose weight, but since i feel like a lazy lop i don't lose the weight.  and since i'm not losing the weight i keep on snoring.  and since i snore i don't sleep well.  and on and on and on...

so anyway.  this week is bloom fair week.  the leaves are changing prematurely.  and i can feel the need to hibernate calling to me.  but i can't.  at least not with the kiddos in tow.  they need their mama bear.  she may be tired, and she may feel anxious and depressed.  but i keep on keeping on.  it's all i can do.