When hubby and i were planning our family, our original plans were at least one child, hopefully 2. we were blessed with the boy and nearly 6 years later were surprised with twins.
my previous losses fueled my fear of carrying the pregnancy to term, and carrying twins was way different than carrying a singleton. so while the doctor was elbow deep in my lady bits after petunia was born, the hen house was officially closed.
it's a year later and now several of my baby bump buddies are either pregnant again, TTC or making plans to TTC. i am obviously happy for my friends, many of whom have also experienced pregnancy loss.
i can't help but feel a bit envious and somewhat sad that my own childbearing experience is over. i shouldn't tho. i made this choice, to have a tubal ligation. from a practicality standpoint, 3 children are a handful and a challenge. financially, it's tough. i'm 36, still sussing out my medical issues. another pregnancy is not an appropriate option for me. and from someone who grew up an only, having a large family (of 5) is a bit overwhelming to me. i love my children. i couldn't imagine having one more or one less. our family is now perfect, and complete.
i'm trying to pinpoint why exactly i feel this way. my twins pregnancy was not a "normal" pregnancy, and i know at the time i felt somewhat resentful that my pregnancy was different. coupled with fear of being unable to carry to term, i felt like i lost out on a good pregnancy experience. obviously the outcome was great - the kiddos are active and thriving - but i suppose my expectations were a sort of loss.
i'm sure my losses are not helping my feelings. i wonder if i would have felt more comfortable (!!!) with my twins pregnancy had i not had it hanging over my head. perhaps it has nothing to do with my mourning.
one day, my melancholy will get the best of me. i will hear another "BFP!" announcement, and it will make me feel so sad for myself that i will finally allow myself to cry. and i should. my baby days are over. i think it's normal to mourn the loss of your fertility (whether by nature or by choice). but i have so much to look forward to. the boy, who's birthday is this week, is such a sweet, smart, funny guy. i am so proud of him. petunia is a spitfire, toddling all over, getting into things. and freddie is the still water that runs deep - observant, quiet, analytical. i am so enjoying watching my children grow up and become individuals. i don't need another child for that.
my previous losses fueled my fear of carrying the pregnancy to term, and carrying twins was way different than carrying a singleton. so while the doctor was elbow deep in my lady bits after petunia was born, the hen house was officially closed.
it's a year later and now several of my baby bump buddies are either pregnant again, TTC or making plans to TTC. i am obviously happy for my friends, many of whom have also experienced pregnancy loss.
i can't help but feel a bit envious and somewhat sad that my own childbearing experience is over. i shouldn't tho. i made this choice, to have a tubal ligation. from a practicality standpoint, 3 children are a handful and a challenge. financially, it's tough. i'm 36, still sussing out my medical issues. another pregnancy is not an appropriate option for me. and from someone who grew up an only, having a large family (of 5) is a bit overwhelming to me. i love my children. i couldn't imagine having one more or one less. our family is now perfect, and complete.
i'm trying to pinpoint why exactly i feel this way. my twins pregnancy was not a "normal" pregnancy, and i know at the time i felt somewhat resentful that my pregnancy was different. coupled with fear of being unable to carry to term, i felt like i lost out on a good pregnancy experience. obviously the outcome was great - the kiddos are active and thriving - but i suppose my expectations were a sort of loss.
i'm sure my losses are not helping my feelings. i wonder if i would have felt more comfortable (!!!) with my twins pregnancy had i not had it hanging over my head. perhaps it has nothing to do with my mourning.
one day, my melancholy will get the best of me. i will hear another "BFP!" announcement, and it will make me feel so sad for myself that i will finally allow myself to cry. and i should. my baby days are over. i think it's normal to mourn the loss of your fertility (whether by nature or by choice). but i have so much to look forward to. the boy, who's birthday is this week, is such a sweet, smart, funny guy. i am so proud of him. petunia is a spitfire, toddling all over, getting into things. and freddie is the still water that runs deep - observant, quiet, analytical. i am so enjoying watching my children grow up and become individuals. i don't need another child for that.
Just a virtual hug.
ReplyDeleteXOXO