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Monday, September 27, 2010

a different kind of mourning

When hubby and i were planning our family, our original plans were at least one child, hopefully 2.  we were blessed with the boy and nearly 6 years later were surprised with twins.

my previous losses fueled my fear of carrying the pregnancy to term, and carrying twins was way different than carrying a singleton.  so while the doctor was elbow deep in my lady bits after petunia was born, the hen house was officially closed.

it's a year later and now several of my baby bump buddies are either pregnant again, TTC or making plans to TTC.  i am obviously happy for my friends, many of whom have also experienced pregnancy loss.

i can't help but feel a bit envious and somewhat sad that my own childbearing experience is over.  i shouldn't tho.  i made this choice, to have a tubal ligation.  from a practicality standpoint, 3 children are a handful and a challenge.  financially, it's tough.  i'm 36, still sussing out my medical issues.  another pregnancy is not an appropriate option for me.  and from someone who grew up an only, having a large family (of 5) is a bit overwhelming to me.  i love my children.  i couldn't imagine having one more or one less.  our family is now perfect, and complete.

i'm trying to pinpoint why exactly i feel this way.  my twins pregnancy was not a "normal" pregnancy, and i know at the time i felt somewhat resentful that my pregnancy was different.  coupled with fear of being unable to carry to term, i felt like i lost out on a good pregnancy experience.  obviously the outcome was great - the kiddos are active and thriving - but i suppose my expectations were a sort of loss.

i'm sure my losses are not helping my feelings.  i wonder if i would have felt more comfortable (!!!) with my twins pregnancy had i not had it hanging over my head.  perhaps it has nothing to do with my mourning.

one day, my melancholy will get the best of me.  i will hear another "BFP!" announcement, and it will make me feel so sad for myself that i will finally allow myself to cry.  and i should.  my baby days are over.  i think it's normal to mourn the loss of your fertility (whether by nature or by choice).  but i have so much to look forward to.  the boy, who's birthday is this week, is such a sweet, smart, funny guy.  i am so proud of him.  petunia is a spitfire, toddling all over, getting into things.  and freddie is the still water that runs deep - observant, quiet, analytical.  i am so enjoying watching my children grow up and become individuals.  i don't need another child for that.

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