the road not taken

have you ever had a moment where you look at your life and wonder "how the hell did i get here?"  sometimes the oddest thing will set off that comment and give me pause.

one of MFB recently wrote about a recent move to another country.  reading her description took me back to my college years, when i would have given anything to visit this country.

in school i had a good friend who kept me in wonderful mix tapes (!!!).  we would trade music back and forth, he keeping me up to date with the latest in industrial noise from GB, me shipping off the newest in depressing grunge (this was the nirvanapearlpilotsinchains era after all).  we never met in real life but flirted quite a bit online.

my school had a studies abroad program but at that time didn't include studying in england.  and anyway, what kind of classes could i have taken?  i was a psych major and while i'm sure there could have been psych classes in england, i'm not sure they would have been the best classes.  secondly, i couldn't afford to study abroad either.  while my college tuition was paid by my mom's sweat and tears tuition exchange, that didn't include study abroad.

also, i was realistic - would i really have wanted to study, when there was so much to explore?  i figure i would have spent the semester clubbing/pubbing/having copious amounts of empty sex/possibly smoking pot (he smoked pot, one of many deal breakers about him).  while i'm sure it could have been fun, i would not have accomplished much.

the little voice in my head told me "he's not the one...don't even bother.  he's not the one."  so many deal breakers - the pot, he smoked cigarettes, he liked his guinness, and he wasn't a virgin.  he didn't want to get married.  he didn't want to have kids.  if that isn't a big red flag there, i don't know what is.

so i graduated and got a job working for the county.  my british friend and i drifted apart as our jobs took up our time.  a year after i graduated, i met hubby.  and the little voice in my head said "he's the one.  don't let him go.  don't be a jerk and scare him away becos HE IS THE ONE!!!"  

two years after we met, we got married.  four years later we had the boy, and six years after that, the kiddos.  this is the life i always wanted.  that's how i got to this place in my life.

i have no idear what has become of my old friend.  nearly every year, around his birthday, i have a dream about him where he tells me he is doing well.  i'm sure he's still pubbing, clubbing, drinking guinness, probably having empty sex.  last year, i threw away all the letters (!!!) he sent me long ago.  but i kept the mix tapes.  and i've downloaded a few songs from iTunes, becos i know those tapes will not survive in the long run.


sometimes the road not taken isn't the right road all along.