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Saturday, December 11, 2010

i used to be Somebody

yesterday i stopped at the LYS where i left sets of stitch markers to be sold for charity.  i was dumbstruck to find out that not only did they sell, but did i have more?  i stuttered as i hadn't planned on making more, but assured the owner that i could whip up some sets.  i said i was surprised that they sold, and the lady commented that people liked to buy little things like that, especially if they were for a worthy charity.  so i nipped up to my LBS and got more supplies, only to return to buy beads that i had forgotten (it was okay, since i got a christmas present there too).

i enjoy making stitch markers, not only beco they are a fun craft for me, but becos, through these sales, the markers prove that i exist and am Somebody.  allow me to explain.

i used to have my own identity, before kids.  while i was "the preacher's daughter" or "mrs. f's daughter", i was "diva the caseworker", "diva the flute player", "diva the secretary".  i had jobs, or hobbies, and i was identified by those.  i was me, a Somebody.

when i had the boy i became "the boy's mom".  this was a good identity to be, and i still felt like Somebody.  then in the span of a minute, i went from "the boy's mom" to "the mom with twins and a big kid".

after i had the kiddos, i became more housebound, becos it is a PITA to haul two kids on errands.  toting two carriers, hauling out the stroller, chasing after two toddlers in small, non-childproof areas - it's hard.  some days, it's just easier to stay home, and do my errands alone when someone can watch them.  i've become a modern day hermit.  i don't feel like Somebody anymore.

i feel less like Somebody at church.  when the kiddos don't want to mind me in church, i get the comments "gee, i guess they don't like to be held by you".  to that i would love to say "i have short arms and growing twenty plus pound toddlers.  imagine hauling around two twenty pound squirmy bags of potatoes and you tell me how much they want to be held."  i am not an attached parent.  i never hauled the kids around in the moby (as much as i wanted to, but with kiddos weighing as much as small sacks of potatoes, my back hurt enough) and while i do hold them to watch TV and read books and snuggle, i just don't hold the kiddos as much as i did when the boy was little.  (and i'd like to point out that the kiddos don't fare out better with hubby either, altho he has better luck holding petunia and freddie is more comfortable with me).

people always comment to hubby about what a good father he is.  he is a fabulous dad.  i am grateful for what he does with our children - he is definitely hands on.  i guess i am deluded that other fathers are like him.  apparently not all men are as hands on with their children.  anyways, hubby receives compliments often on what a great dad he is, taking care of his kids (especially from other moms).  do i get compliments on being a good mom?  hear those crickets?  yeah, i thought so.

a recent episode of desperate housewives drove this point home even further.  lynette and tom were having a disagreement - tom was feeling slighted that lynette didn't discuss his "manhood" with her girlfriends and felt emasculated by her. (IMHO, i would be totally skeeved if this came up in conversation with my friends.  TMI, anyone?).   Lynette shoots back that while everyone comments about how lucky she is to have such a wonderful husband,  hard-working and great father, no one ever says the same about her and that she is "the bitch wife".  of course tom soothes her and says he is lucky, they take advantage of his manhood, roll credits.

hubby frequently comments to me about my mom and wife abilities and i certainly feel loved.  i knew that going into this SAHM gig that there would be no "employee of the month awards", but doesn't it feel good to have someone say "you're a good mom" (hearing "i don't know how you do it" doesn't exactly cut the mustard).  i know i'm "the bitch wife".  i'm "mean mommy" too.  but occasionally, i think i'm "the good mom" too.

some days i feel like George Bailey from It's a Wonderful Life.  i sometimes wonder how much value my life is.  i pray that my life has touched someone positively.  how the kids turn out, remains to be seen.  :)

that's why i like to knit.  that's why i put up pictures of my FOs on my ravelry page, becos occasionally someone does leave a comment and that they like my project.  that's why i make stitch markers to sell - my hope is that when someone uses them, they'll know that "Somebody" made them for something that is close to my heart.  am i blatantly searching for approval?  yeah, i guess i am.  but at least it makes me feel like "Somebody" again.

in a few years the kiddos will be in school, and i'll go back to work.  i'll be a "Somebody" at my job and hopefully still be the "Somebody with twins and a big kid".

here's the picture portion of this post:

i love these striped glass cubes.  the green and red one looks like a piece of christmas candy.

pretty swirly stones.

and introducing a new stitch marker set!

'"we are... PENN STATE!"

these are a cool swirly stone, aptly called "denim".  this is what happens when you have penn state fans in the family.  ;)

these markers will be up at Swisher's Yarn Basket by the end of the week (hopefully).  i have sets of HAPL healing garden in both silver and gold, plus sets of peaceful, pixipearls and new penn state markers.  sales from the markers will go to the NICU at janet weis children's hospital in danville.

don't forget, one more day to tell me what would julia knit!  mal and stitch markers - yummy!

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