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Thursday, March 17, 2011

on the DL

this week's posts have been prescheduled, which is probably a good thing becos i've been sick all week.  the illness in the house finally caught up with me and i wound up with a sinus infection.  thank you z pack!

on top of that, my HS flared to major proportions and i currently have a carbuncle on my c-section scar the size of my hand. i don't mean cupping it in my hand.  i mean, from wrist to middle finger huge.  i've never had a carbuncle that size - the most being golfball size, which is painful enough (especially when it's in your breast).  it swelled my "elephant" of a gut to twice its size, making my scar look like a jack o' lantern.  it's painful to walk, sit and lie down.  it actually hurts worse now than it did when i had my kids - probably becos i'm not dealing with tiny drowsy babies but active heavy toddlers.  fortunately the boil burst and is draining, but it's still very painful.

my HS has been out of control for months.  i tied it to my sugars (HS often occurs with insulin resistance).  however, i'm on metformin now and my sugars have dropped considerably, so i don't understand why my HS is nuts.

a month ago i got the official dx that i have type 2 diabetes.  i suppose it wasn't a surprise, but getting a life changing diagnosis is obviously very upsetting.  i'd known for months that my sugars sucked - no matter what i ate/how much i exercised my sugars sucked.  my fasting sugars dropped 20-30 points within a week and i'm feeling a bit better, but i hate having this diagnosis.

i feel like a failure.  so many people say it's not your fault.  but it feels like my fault.  i tried to fix me too little too late.  i didn't take care of myself in my 20s - i ate what i wanted, when i wanted, didn't exercise. never managed my stress.  it wasn't until i got pregnant with the boy that i watched what i ate, took up yoga.  i was 30 years old.  too late.  

four years ago i was dx'd with insulin resistance, a precursor to diabetes.  i watched what i ate.  took up swimming since the yoga studio i went to closed.  tried to manage my stress better.  and my sugars did improve - enough that i got the green light to get pregnant again.  

then i developed gestational diabetes with the kiddos.  doctors said it's not your fault...this happens often with pregnancy of multiples.  i took solace in the fact that julia roberts and angelina jolie (also MOMs) both had GD, and they were skinny twigs.  after i delivered the kiddos, the GD went away, and i worked hard at keeping my sugars at bay.

but then i got lazy.  i didn't test my blood glucose as often.  i got sick with the swine flu and bronchitis and strep throat and had a chronic cough resulting from H1N1.  i was tired all the time - from taking care of 3 active kids and being run down from illness.  last summer was so hot, we barely ventured out for walks - i was tired, and i had horrible HS in my pits and thighs that made any sweaty movement painful. and so my sugars began their creep upwards.  

i got a warning at my checkup in the fall.  at this winter's checkup there was no denying it - my sugars were climbing despite my best efforts, and it was time for drug intervention.  my GP also mentioned that maybe i should look into having bariatric surgery to lose weight.  it wasn't the first time that option was brought up (my allergist suggested it last fall when i visited him for the cough).  i bawled during my drive home.  i cried for a week afterward.  

my body feels like one gigantic FAIL.  i sometimes wonder - what the hell did i do to my body that it hates me so much?  the diabetes, the HS, the fatigue.  it's frustrating and sad and scary.

it doesn't help to have your doctor(s) say if you stay on this track you are going to die before your time.  do they not realize that i understand this?  that i go into debt so i/my family can eat organic?  that i want to swim/do yoga and i can't to that unless i have a babysitter, and i'm at the mercy of my family for that?  i remember the RE, a few years ago, recommending that i join the Y and exercise there for an hour a day, 7 days a week.  i'd love to do that buddy, had i the money to afford the Y.  

i would love to explore acupuncture for my sugar/HS issues.  i also experience numbness/sensitivity in my feet (and my hands can go numb in a second, for no reason at all), and for those reasons i would love to try the chiropractor again (i think my back and hips is still out of whack since having the kiddos and i'm guessing this is what's causing the numbness, although i may have peripheral neuropathy as well).  guess what:  my insurance doesn't cover those treatments.  i have to pay out of pocket.  we have no extra money to speak of, so i guess these treatments will remain elusive pipe dreams.  so much for being the "rich" middle class.  i feel poor as shit nowadays.  

i'm getting rambly.  in short:  i'm dealing with some heavy health issues right now, and trying to figure out a game plain to "fix me".  i'm not sure what that is yet, but getting my fears and frustrations out of my system, is a good start.  

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