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Thursday, March 3, 2011

the secret reservoir

this week was really hard for me.  for the past 3 weeks my kids and hubby were sick.  the boy had sinus infection and pneumonia;  petunia had ear infection and croup (and i think sinus infection too), and freddie had croup and a cold.  hubby had (and still has IMO) sinus infection and a clogged ear.  by the grace of God i didn't get sick (although i had a particularly hellacious week with my HS).

wednesdays are when my mom watches the kiddos so i can swim, run errands and spend it as i wish (that happens very rarely).  last week i lost my wednesday becos i took petunia to the doctor, the weeks' prior were cut short becos of various doctor appointments.  in short, for the month of february, i was run ragged with few breaks.

on monday grams had a procedure on her eye.  mom got sick with sinus infection/bronchitis.  dad was getting over being sick.  my ass was dragging and i was looking forward to my wednesday (needed yarn at michael's for a baby blanket, groceries, swimming, sushi).

on tuesday mom called that she couldn't watch the kids this week becos she was too sick - on top of the infections she also had the stomach bug.  goodbye, wednesday.  any break this week, for that matter.

i hung up the phone and sobbed.  i was tired.  bone tired.  after weeks of nursing my kids back to health, i needed a break.  my brain felt fried.  my body hurt.  to have to wait until saturday (when hubby would be home and we'd tag team caring for the kids) - it hurt.

tuesday and wednesday were hard.  i bawled all day.  i felt like a zombie. i felt like i hit the wall.  when the kids napped (which wasn't very long), i napped.  all i wanted to do was curl up in a ball and space out.  anyone with toddler twins will tell you, you can't do that.

the past couple of days have been the blackest that i've known for quite some time.  depression and helplessness are funny bedfellows.  they smother and cripple you.  they made me feel like i was in a dark hole, and no matter how i tried to climb out, another load was dumped on me.

i blame myself.  i don't have a lot of friends IRL, but it's a moot point since they have lives of their own or live hours away.  my family is either sick, old or wrapped up in their own dramas.  i've considered having a standby babysitter for days like this, but i don't trust just anybody with my kids.  i even thought about asking someone at church for help, but members my age either work and have families of their own, or else have their heads firmly up their asses and don't think of helping another parishoner out.

hubby came home early yesterday (he read for one of the head start classes for dr. suess day) and spotted me a bit.  he listened and held me as i cried, and i listened to him rail about his frustrations.  no one in the world knows what i'm going through except him.  we never thought we'd be on a parenthood journey like this, but i'm grateful he's with me on this one.

today has been a better day.  the kids are getting over their illnesses and things are returning back to normal.  i'm exhausted, but i keep on keepin' on.

as a mother, and especially as a MOM, i'm always astonished at the secret reservoir of strength we seem to have when times are tough.  the times when i'm up against the wall, and i'm spent and have nothing more to give.  i hear a kind word, or get a small second wind, and it's enough to push through the wall.

maybe it was hubby coming home an hour early.  maybe it was becos i had a better night's sleep.  maybe the kiddos understood my frustration and exhaustion and decided to behave.  dunno.  don't care, really.

i'll get my break, some day.  it just won't be this week.

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