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Saturday, June 18, 2011

still not a normal girl...

i sometimes wish i could color my hair with fluorescent red streaks.  i realize that i'm an adult and am entitled to play with a little manic panic, but i would feel strange if i did.  you see, i'm a straight laced 30 something woman who never colored her hair bright red in years past, so why bother now.

i read this article about high school labels (my apologies, apparently the article isn't online yet) recently, and it made me think about who i was in junior/senior high, and how it affects me now.

i never "fit in" in school.  seventh grade was my worst year.  from big fish in sixth grade to small fry in seventh, i was the odd girl out.  wrong clothes, wrong hair, ugly glasses, smart but not too smart, band geek, voracious reader, sucked at sports  - i was a freak.  being a PK didn't help either.  the area where i grew up, most everyone was related to one another in some way, and my family was from out of the area.  Bob forbid anyone befriends the preacher's daughter.  i might whip out my Bible or speak in tongues or something.  i had a small circle of friends, but when you're that age, you want to be popular.  john hughes said so.

it wasn't until my junior year in school when i took a look at myself and decided "screw it".  if i was regarded as a freak, i might as well be a freak.  i wore black clothes, listened to the cure, wore doc martins.  i wore bright red lipstick.  i remember wearing fishnets with hot pants my senior year.  dated an equally goth/punk guy that year too.

the funny thing was, i was punk/goth on the cusp.  wore black and weird clothes, and it was punk/goth for the time and where i lived, but when i look back, i was such a poser!  my docs were esprit knockoffs (i didn't get real DMs until after i graduated college!)  when i went to college, i met real punks and goths, and i was a laugh compared to them.  and so i regressed to my plain jane geek girl clothes, glasses and books.

i always thought, after getting a job, getting married, having children, that it would be easy to fit into any social circle.  not so.  nearly 20 years later, i'm discovering that cliques still exist.  

my church is full of cliques (sad but true).  i think people are still leery of befriending "the preacher's daughter".  then again, going on the same theory growing up, my church is full of families who are interrelated, and it's hard to break into a family/clan...

online groups i frequent are incredibly cliquey (strange considering we're there for the same reason - our kids, knitting, whatever).  

even my old knitting group felt incredibly cliquey.  although in the real world, people my age, from church to old classmates, don't understand my knitting.  that's freaky behavior.

how is it that, at 37, i still feel like i'm 12? 

1 comment:

  1. I know how you feel. After moving, you realize all the little things that "insiders" know that you don't. You have to force your way into cliques, put yourself out there, and be assertive... all things that I don't really like to do.


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