broken and burned out

i'm still dealing with nagging health issues.

the peripheral neuropathy in my feet pains me to the point that i wake up in pain, feel pain all day and go to sleep (or not) in pain.  my GP put me on neurontin, which knocked me out so i could sleep but didn't entirely eliminate the pain.  i made the mistake of taking a capsule during the day and spent the rest of it feeling like a stoned zombie.  now i know why the patients at a mental health clinic i worked at seemed out of it.  i can't take this medication becos i need to be mentally present with my children.

i recently saw a podiatrist regarding the pn becos i couldn't understand how, with all the exercise, dietary changes and lowering A1C, my feet were worsening in a such a short span of time.  my doctor told me i was doing the right thing and commended me for my efforts but unfortunately for some diabetics, exercise can make things worse and some cases do progress quickly.  after doing a couple test we determined that my pn was in early stages; that my feet weren't numb yet (that's good as numbness can lead to increased injuries and infections) and that while i couldn't entirely reverse the damage there were things i could do to keep it from worsening.  she recommended that i take a vitamin b complex supplement (i did this but stopped when my GP told me that it wasn't necessary since i was already taking a multivitamin and that most of the supplement was being excreted out), topical diabetic creams to help dull the pain, and electric muscle stimulation (i'm still waiting to see if my insurance improved this treatment).



secondly, i haven't had a menstrual cycle in over 5 months.  when i called my ob/gyn a month ago, they offered a round of provera to kick start a period.  i didn't want more meds.  i wanted to know *why* i wasn't getting a period.  i called my GP for a second opinion and she gave me the options of provera (again), going back on birth control pills to regulate my cycles (erm, i got a tubal ligation so i wouldn't have to go on the pill again, plus i think i'm too old for it and with my health issues don't think it's safe.), call my ob/gyn back for a second (now third) opinion or "keep on waiting".  some options!  i told my doctor that i wanted to know *why* i wasn't getting a period.  i didn't care if i wasn't getting one, but with my hulk*smash moods and my shedding hair, i wanted to to know *why*.  she said if there wasn't a hormonal reason why i wasn't getting one (in other words, i wasn't going through menopause) i should still bleed a few times a year - by not shedding uterine lining, i was at risk of uterine cancer.  HABA WHA?!!  since when does absence of periods cause uterine cancer?  she sent me for a date with the dildocam ultrasound - i raced to the hospital for the test - and learned that i had a 2.8 centimeter cyst on my ovary.  i was supposed to have bloodwork to check my pituitary gland but they neglected to tell me i had to fast for that test (nothing like wasting a morning in the doctor's office to be told that).

i called my ob/gyn armed with this information (i don't even want to think about the number of hoops i went through for that) and now have an appointment to discuss "my problem".  they gave me the same options - provera,  the pill, or wait and see.



if there is a silver lining to any of this, i learned that i lost seven pounds in two months.  all told, i lost twelve pounds since last fall.  apparently losing it! and the weight machines at the gym are agreeing with me.  i struggle to lose weight, but my pants and tops are looser on me.



i feel broken.  i feel helpless.  i'm trying so hard to advocate for my health and finding the root to my problems so i can treat them instead of covering them up with more meds.  my feet pain me ALL.THE.TIME.  earlier this week i sat curled on the sofa becos my feet felt like they were stuck with pins;  my toes felt like someone smashed them with a hammer and my ankles felt like someone hit them with a mallet.  on top of that i felt crampy yet no flow.  no meds touch the pain.  my neurontin scrip ran out a couple weeks ago and while they dulled the pain, they didn't take it away.  i researched other neuropathy meds and their side affects are worse (cancer anyone?).  becos my feet hurt worse at night i can't sleep.  the other night i cried myself to sleep becos i was in so much pain and felt so alone in it (actually, it was the third time i cried that day.  it was a really bad day.)  i find myself snapping at the kids and feeling overly sensitive to minor issues.  i hate feeling this way.  i hate how my health is hindering me from being a good mom.

perhaps it's my science curiosity side that makes me crave the *why* of my health issues.  maybe i'm trying to find a way out of the "burnout" i feel about my diabetes (from what i read, this is common with any chronic disease).  maybe i just have shitty doctors who no longer give a rip about their patients and have become zombies of medicine.



i pray a lot.  i pray that my body will be pain free someday.  i pray that someone will finally listen to me and help me find a way to fix my health problems not cover them. up.