This is what 40 looks like

Also, this

I finally feel my age. I've been 40 for too darn long. 

Warts and all

There are many parent blogs that have "day in the life" memes. Once a week or month, the author shares a written snapshot of their day. Some bloggers appear to live Martha Stewart/Pinterest lives, while others offer up chaotic days. I'd like to think that my ramblings are a blend of the two;  my family is not perfect, but it's not a helter-skelter household either. 

To be honest, it's the "perfect" blogs that get me down. Posts that show homes decorated meticulously for the season and moms with gaggles of kids who crank out the knit goods - they seem too good to be true. Perhaps they are - maybe they have life figured out. Maybe they have something to prove. Maybe their lives are as crazy as mine and they hide behind a facade. 

I'm a "warts and all" person. While some things aren't public domain, I have nothing to hide. Over the years I've written about things many might find uncomfortable - my miscarriages, my twins pregnancy, my chronic health issues, my questions about faith. I write to get stuff out of my system - a mental purge if you will. It's daunting putting my thoughts out there, but I often feel better becos of it. 

I'm thinking about publishing a series of post about midlife on my blog. I turned 40 this year, and as I explained to hubby, it feels like a switch clicked in my mind about life. Things that used to be a Big Deal aren't anymore, while new, different things are worming their way into my conscience. Doubtful anyone cares about the way a middle aged lady thinks anymore, but there it is. 

bodies are weird

you know how in sixth grade kids get "the talk"?  the girls meet with the nurse and talk about periods and body development, and the boys meet with the gym teacher or coach and talk about boy things (i'm  assuming, that's what they talked about)?  i personally think girls/women should have updated talks in their teens...and twenties...and thirties...becos man, our bodies are weird.  i wish that when i was in college (i'd stretch to high school even) someone would have told me to plan ahead when thinking about children;  that infertility can happen to young women, and that pregnancy loss can occur.  and i really wish that someone sat me down and talked to me about perimenopause.

i think i mentioned in this space that my period stopped for several months.  i was poked (with needles) and probed (by the dildocam) so much i felt like a science experiment.  i visited three doctors and inquired about my thyroid yet no one had any answers.  my hormone levels were normal.  no thyroid issues.  i was nowhere near menopause but my body was probably starting perimenopause.  twice my ob/gyn prescribed me meds to jump start a period, becos apparently if you don't bleed regularly, you can get cancer.  oookay.

in january i scheduled my yearly checkup with the intent that if i hadn't gotten my period by then i would get meds to kick start one.  at that point i hadn't had a cycle since mid summer - about nine months.  in early january i had a touch of spotting but shrugged it off.  at the end of january i had the shark week to end all shark weeks, complete with a skull crushing migraine, insomnia, and night sweats amongst other nasty PMS symptoms (supposedly there are up to 100 different PMS symptoms.  who knew?)

one month later i had another visit from aunt flo - this cycle was kinder than the last, except i still got a migraine, my joints ached (my hip hurt so much it almost gave out on me) and my PN was terrible.  this cycle was longer than usual - 28 days (i tend to have 23 day cycles).  i was thankful my HS didn't flare as it seems to be fed by hormones.

it remains to be seen if i'll have a cycle in march.  and i still have absolutely no idear where my cycles were during late 2011/2012 or why it started up now.  i know that cycles can get wonky with stress, and i'll admit that last year was a bit stressful, but i've had way worse stressful times and my cycle never acted up then.  i sometimes wonder if my weight loss had something to do with the absence, as that's common too, but - 15 months with no natural cycle - normal?

bodies sure are weird.

deliberate motherhood

a few weeks ago i learned that i won a blog contest.  the prize was a book, Deliberate Motherhood - 12 Key Powers of Peace, Purpose, Order and Joy, a collaboration of several mom bloggers, many of whom i read on a daily basis.  i received this book from Cath from wildNprecious.  She has two sets of twins and a singleton, so she definitely knows how challenging the twin realm is!

every day i look forward to reading blog posts by Cath, Sarah and Shawni, who also wrote chapters in this book.  when i am having a challenging mom day, their BTDT wisdom is comforting and inspiring. i can't wait to read this book!

thank you Cath, for your generosity and sharing your stories and wisdom!

how i spent one rainy morning

last week we had a lot of rain.  after walking the kids' to school, getting wet feet, feeling tired and not in an exercise mood (bad mama), i decided to spend the morning pampering myself.

i made a pot of chocolate chai tea (in my new tea pot that i got months ago but sat on my stove neglected), grabbed a black and white cookie, the sock i started knitting, and listened to the rain.

as much as i needed to work out at the gym, buy groceries and clean the house,  i really needed that  morning to nourish my soul.  i always feel guilty when i slack off, but honestly, i probably need more of that.  stay at home moms who spend their days caring for others need to take the time to care for themselves - if they don't, who will?

now i need to make a cozy for my tea pot.  any pattern suggestions?

schadenfreude in the motherhood

this magazine cover made me throw up in my mouth a little:

(image dark as i took it at 6:30 in the morning).

thanks time magazine, for further fanning the flames of the mommy wars.

i must be a stupid mother, becos i don't really subscribe to a particular parenting philosophy.  if anything, hubby and my parenting philosophy could be called "survival".  not so much when the boy was born, but with the kiddos.  our goal - "keep the child happy with whatever means possible - feed 'em, hold 'em, keep them dry".

with the boy, i'd never heard of attachment parenting.  baby wearing meant carrying baby around in a baby bjorn; breast feeding was an option and nobody co-slept with baby - you'd squish him in your sleep!

i didn't buy any parenting books outside of the "what to expect" books.  we really didn't follow them outside of inquiring about developmental issues.  we really liked Mayo Clinic Complete Guide to Pregnancy, Childbirth and Baby's First Year (we got it free from our health insurance) becos it was straightforward and gave common sense advice.  when we were having potty training issues with the boy we got this Supernanny book - again, full of common sense information that we were already aware of.  years ago i found my mom's dr. spock book (complete with notes mom made about formula!)  when we found out we were expecting the kiddos the first book we bought was When You're Expecting Twins, Triplets, Quads - it became our bible during that pregnancy and i referred to it a lot after the kiddos were born.  again, it had a lot of straightforward information.

we got a baby bjorn for the boy becos it seemed oh so trendy at the time but we never really used it (it was tight on me - i'm was a big girl even back then) and when we went for walks i pushed him in the stroller.  i was afraid of wearing it while shopping becos what if i knock a can off a shelf and it beans him on the head?  what if i lean over and he falls out?  by the time we were pregnant with the kiddos baby wearing was more popular and there were all kinds of slings, carriers and wraps on the market.  we bought a moby becos i wanted to be able to carry the kiddos everywhere and someone suggested that it was good for twins.  i guess i was deluding into thinking we'd have tiny little peanuts.  they were the equivalent of a fifteen pound baby and with my c-section and aches and pains from carrying the kiddos in utero i never got into the habit of baby wearing.  in fact, i used that dumb moby exactly once - to carry petunia at an easter egg hunt.  the moby and the bjorn were both sent to the consignment shop a couple months ago.  i hope they fetched me a lot of money.

my feelings on breast feeding were well documented here (remember, i wrote that post over 3 years ago - i don't feel as snarky towards breast feeding anymore).  as for co-sleeping, hubby and i are big people and we sleep like the dead.  i flail in my sleep and snore like a truck.  you don't want to put a baby between us.

as for cloth diapering, i was onboard to trying this when we got pregnant again.  after hearing we were having twins, hubby and i had a discussion about it.  both cloth and disposable diapers had their merits and limits, and we chose disposables becos i didn't want to spend all day washing diapers.  (yes, i'm aware of diaper services but there were none in my area).

another parenting technique that is gaining popularity is elimination communication.  i know a lot of mothers from ravelry who use this method for their children's toilet needs.  i couldn't even imagine trying this with the kiddos when they were wee.  i had enough trouble keeping up with the feedings.

i think as parents - and especially as mothers - we feel a sort of schadenfreude toward fellow mothers.  instead of being supportive of one's choice, it's easier to criticize about the choice not made.  sometimes motherhood feels like a game or a race, of who breastfed the most ounces for the longest period of time or how quickly their child was potty trained.  we should be supportive of whatever choice a mother makes to care for her child.  breast feed your child through toddlerhood?  go for it!  just don't bitch at me becos i chose to feed my child out of a can for their first year.  breast feed through kindergarten?  that's your choice - who am i to judge.  i give my kids gummy fruit to shut them up during church, so i have no more stones to throw.

i think a lot of mothers/parents become so immersed in parenting philosophy that they can't see beyond the black and white of the matter and see the grey.  i've witnessed more "natural childbirth vs. medicated childbirth vs. c-section birth" discussions than i care to remember.  i remember someone criticized me becos the kiddos were to be delivered by c-section due to my GD.  i told them that after two miscarriages, an emergency c-section with the boy and having a high risk/high stress multiples pregnancy, that if they wanted to deliver the kiddos through my nose, i would have allowed it becos my goal was delivering two healthy, living babies.  isn't that what any parent wants?

i think another point that parents may forget that sometimes parents' choices may be beyond their control. i've seen mothers melt down over their inability to nurse becos, for whatever reason, they are unable to.  it shouldn't matter whether or not a baby is fed by breast or bottle - the goal is, feed the baby.  i chose to use disposable diapers becos i knew the extra work with washing cloth ones would drive me insane.  it was more important for me for the kids to have a mommy who wasn't sitting in a mental ward somewhere becos she was overwhelmed and depressed.

am i mom enough?  by following my heart and making choices that were best for my children and myself - i think i am.  and i'm not sorry i made them either.  my children are happy and healthy;  they are kind and funny and smart.  i'm a happier mom by the choices i made and everyone knows, a happy mom means happier kids.  

letters from mom

this month the boy is making a time capsule in school.  he gathered pictures, a tape measure with his current height marked on it, and other odds and ends.  he'll get the box back in ten years (presumably at graduation).

a note was sent home for the parents to include a letter to our child.  i've had the paper for nearly a month and although i know what i want to say, i'm having a hard time writing it down.  i couldn't help but think about what will happen during the next decade - the growth of my children, the aging of my parents and grandmothers, and even myself and hubby.  at one point i had to put the paper away becos the thoughts made me want to cry.

a decade ago we made the decision to start our family.  what a wild ride that's been!  the road to parenthood and motherhood hasn't been without bumps and detours, and it's what made me the mom that i am today.

i tell my children that i love them every day, and try to complement them on things they do (and don't do!)  but life gets busy and i sometimes forget.  these letters sum up my feelings.


dear boy,

i am so proud that you're my boy.  you are a kind, generous boy, sharing everything from a smile, a helping hand, or even your tiny toy car.  i love how you care for your little brother and sister.  you're a smart boy.  i wish i had your energy!  i look forward to watching you grow up and become the man that i see glimpses of.

love always,

mom


dear freddie beans,

you are my still water that runs deep.  i love looking into your dark eyes with wonder what you're thinking about.  you're my little thinker, and you make me laugh when you give me that devilish look of yours.  i can't wait to watch you grow up to be my little einstein.

love always,

mama


dear petunia,

you, my dear, are fiercely independent and strong willed.  you come from a long line of independent, strong willed women.  you also have a giggle that brightens my day and a sweet fairy voice that makes my heart sing.  i could spend hours brushing your gossamer hair (when you let me!). i can't wait to watch you become a smart, beautiful young lady who will no doubt have the world on a string someday.

love always,

mommy


dear mackenzie and annelise,

while your time on earth was entirely too brief, i hold you in my heart.  i learned bittersweet lessons, losing you, but you made me more appreciative of what i have, and remind me to enjoy the little things and let go of things that don't matter.

love always,

mommy

musings in the motherhood

comparisons - it's so easy to do in the motherhood, and so easy to worry over nothing, especially things out of my control.  some things that have been on my mind lately...

they're not buddha tots

the kiddos had their two year checkup the other day.  both weigh around 25 pounds.  i honestly thought they were closer to 30.  no wonder hubby has guns - sundays, when he's carrying them around becos they're fussing in church, he's basically carrying 50 pounds of dead weight.

i can't help but compare the kiddos to the kids moms talk about on ravelry.  there are babies half the kiddos age that weigh as much as the kiddos now.  these kids are breastfed.  my kids were never breastfed.  they eat like pigs tho.

the nurse practitioner who checked the kiddos said that they are growing great, have good BMIs (under 5) and are tall and lean.  petunia is so fine boned and takes after me and freddie is so sturdy like hubby and the boy.  i know they're normal and healthy and growing.  so why do i feel bad becos they seem smaller than kids younger than them?


speech!

the kiddos, while they do have a decent vocabulary, seem to chitter more than speak words.  some days they tag team words and talking - some days freddie talks more than petunia, but petunia seems to string together sentences more.  she'll nod her head yes when asked a question.  they know body parts and objects, and take direction pretty well (i wish the boy picked up his toys and cleaned up messes as well as the kiddos do!)  they seem to know colors too (petunia does anyway, she has a fit if she's given the wrong bottle, plate or spoon!)  i realize that twin speech tends to develop slower, and that they often have their own language (i've yet to figure theirs out) but i still feel the ombmykidsdon'ttalklikeotherkidsthey'reSLOW!bbq!!!




potty training


potty training has been a bit slow this summer.  until a few weeks ago, neither showed interest in using the potty.  in fact, freddie was using his as a makeshift jack in the box with his gak (i think he was pretending it was like the curious george JIIB over at my folks' house).

petunia started pulling at her pants and diapers.  for a while now, she seemed pretty attuned to when her diaper was dirty as she'd come over, grab a diaper and take it over to me.  taking these cues, i'd sit her on the pot - she'd willingly sit on it and seemed to understand the concept, but no pee or poo in the pot. no biggie.  i'd thank her for sitting on the pot and say maybe next time she'd go.

freddie observes petunia doing this, but still thinks the potty is a toy.  and he doesn't like to sit on it much either.  no pressure.  it'll come to him eventually.

my head knows this is completely normal.  books and doctors confirm this too.  i know it's not wise to push kids to use the potty before their time (ask me how i know - the boy still has issues with #2 sometimes, but i think it's more a dietary issue, but i still worry that my pushing him to PT at 18-24 months wrecked him).  so why do i feel a mini freak out when i hear that kids younger than mine are toilet trained?  apparently elimination communication, a popular toilet training method and quite a few moms online do this.

i used to worry that i didn't take the time to EC the kiddos when they were little (not quite as much guilt i felt not cloth diapering the kiddos, but i picked and chose my battles to maintain my sanity).  thankfully the authors of ready or not, there we go! put it in perspective for me and made me realize that it's okay that the kiddos aren't trained yet.

the freak outs over training two kids at the same time, yeah, normal.  but we're taking it a day at a time.


we could use the extra money


not to say that i can't wait to get out of the diapering business.  it's still a chunk of money that i can't wait to use for something else.  i remember how expensive pull ups were for the boy - now we have to buy twice as much, and with two different kinds (apparently girl pull ups differ from boy pull ups.)  i'm toying with looking for cloth training pants - more economical, especially since the kiddos have relatively predicable potty schedules.


another use for duct tape


petunia thinks she's Gypsy Rose Lee.  a couple weeks ago i'd go get the kids from their naps, only to find petunia (and sometimes freddie) without a stitch on, no diaper, and a wet crib.  after a day of changing the sheets twice and doing their wash twice, hubby did some google-fu and found other frustrated parents used duct tape to tape up the diaper so the kiddos couldn't unfasten them.  so far it's been working (altho petunia somehow shimmied out of her diaper yesterday and i found yet another wet crib.  you'd think take diaper off/wet bed = no gak or ugly would be enough for her to learn to keep the damn diaper on.

i hate that we have to duct tape our kids diapers on.  HATE IT.  but what are the alternatives?  oh yeah, potty training.  or just wash the sheets every day.  like i don't have enough work to do.


ME time


i saw an interesting exchange in a parenting thread about ME time.  some mothers feel they are entitled to "me" time, others say there's no such thing, you deal with having less time for yourself and roll with it.  "personal time" runs the gamut of taking an hour to get a mani/pedi/massage to going away for the weekend sans hubby and the kids.

for me, personal time is taking a bath without a kid barging in.  that's the simplest sense of me time.  my folks watch the kiddos for me to do grocery/target runs, but are they really "me" time since i'm running errands?  i must say, i do get a lot accomplished without kids when i run errands, but at the end of the day i'm still feeling whipped even with an uninterrupted hour of bath time.

i would *LOVE* to have a momcation.  i would love a day or two away from my family, spent sleeping, eating, knitting, reading, swimming, sleeping.  is it realistic?  i don't think so.  at least, it isn't for me.  financially it isn't viable for me, and honestly, i don't think i'd know what to do with myself without the kids climbing all over me and chittering away.  and, in all honesty, i'd miss them.  i'd almost rather a few days away with hubby without the kids, but that's equally as difficult to coordinate.

i disagree with the moms who feel that taking time for yourself isn't realistic.  if "me" time is an hour getting your nails done, so be it.  meeting up with friends for drinks or shopping is a nice respite from the motherhood too.  busy moms need require the recharge time, and no matter how little it is, if it feels good and recharges you then by golly do it!  what good is it for our kids if we don't take the time to recharge ourselves?


i'm so sick of my body


my body seems to be eating itself.  my HS flared to epic proportions and it hurts to sit, stand or lay down.  i ordered the good manuka honey cream.  no point in covering the carbuncles with bandages - no matter how sensitive or latex free they are, they still rip my skin off.

my feet are driving me insane.  my toes alternate between numbness or insane sensitivity.  i'm toying with scheduling with a podiatrist becos i swear there's something wrong with them, and i think it's connected to my diabetes.

on top of that, i am sick of my hands going numb.  the other day, i felt like i was wearing an elbow length glove on my left arm, that's how numb it was.  i asked my doc about it at the last checkup and she said it was probably a nerve compression in my elbow.  try spine, honey.  i'm convinced my body is still mucked up from carrying the kiddos (yep, even 2 years later).  i would give anything to go to a chiropractor just to have my back cracked.  can't afford it tho - insurance doesn't cover.  i also surmise the chiropractor would want to see me more than once, and i just don't want to commit to that extent of treatment.

i'm thinking about going to the local educational puppy mill trade school and getting a massage.  i've also thought about going back for acupuncture, mostly to deal with my sugar issues and jaw numbing tension i've been feeling.  but alas, no money.  no time, either (says she who says me time is important, especially if it improves health).

oh yeah, did i tell you i've been grinding the hell out of my teeth?  even hubby's caught me clenching my jaw.  i have days where even my wisdom teeth ache (i'd love to ask my dentist about my wisdom teeth but i'm afraid he'll demand i get them taken out and i have no money or time for that).  i think i know why i do it - i just wish i could stop doing it.  



i also have a lovely bruised - possibly broken - toe after having a pyrex bowl fall on it.  it fell out of the cupboard which was in disarray (courtesy of he-who-shan't-be-named).

dear lord, i had no idear my toes and feet looked that gruesome.  thank goodness this is a fuzzy looking picture - a clearer one would send one running for the hills!


book 'em


i splurged on more books.  the wilder life, the happiness project and the help.  perfect for me time.

the traveling yarn box

i belong to a group on ravelry for moms who had babies the summer of 2009.  they do a lot of swaps, mostly fabric ones (many of the ladies quilt or sew).  earlier this year they had a traveling tea box swap and from the comments i read in the group, it sounded fun and delicious.

one of the members offered to start up swaps for coffee, fiber and yarn.  i don't drink coffee, i can't spin, but the yarn one sounded fun so i signed up.

this week (this month, actually) has been one big blot, and seeing this on my porch on wednesday made my day.

**spoiler alert!**  if you're a lady from the summer mom's group and don't wish to see what was in the box, you might want to scroll ahead!















that box was crammed to the brim with yarny goodness!  there were little hanks of merino and mohair, a ball of crystal palace fixation, a little baggy of fiber for spinning.  there were two nice skeins of greyish mohair.  someone included a half completed lady eleanor scarf.  there was a little notebook and a small box of chocolates.  half of the box was taken up by a huge hank of red/black eyelash yarn.  when i first opened the box, i thought it was a muppet!

out of the whole box of goodies, i picked these:



louet gems fingering weight, a nice washable merino in a pretty shade of blue called neptune.  185 yards should be enough for a small scarf or neckerchief.

brown sheep nature spun sport in enchanted forest.  184 yards, either a scarf or hat for the kids.  i love deep green, and i love brown sheep!

if you take from the box, you're also supposed to put something in it too.  i  added my extra skein of colinette jitterbug in tapis (from february'S PSOTMC) and the slightly used skein of red heart collage in rust that i used for freddie's pumpkin hat.  i put this yarn in a baggie with a copy of the pattern, becos some of the moms are expecting summer/fall babies and i thought they'd like to make a hat too.

i also threw in a couple pairs of stitch markers - one set of tiny glass cubes, the other an abbreviated version of the HAPL healing garden.

a summer mom from texas sent me the box.  yesterday i shipped out to the west coast.  to the next recipients of the traveling yarn box, enjoy!

blessed

i was going to ask for the compost tumbler that i eye'd up at cole's but this is an awesome surprise.  the red box from red envelope is as exciting as getting the robin's egg box from tiffany!

the secret reservoir

this week was really hard for me.  for the past 3 weeks my kids and hubby were sick.  the boy had sinus infection and pneumonia;  petunia had ear infection and croup (and i think sinus infection too), and freddie had croup and a cold.  hubby had (and still has IMO) sinus infection and a clogged ear.  by the grace of God i didn't get sick (although i had a particularly hellacious week with my HS).

wednesdays are when my mom watches the kiddos so i can swim, run errands and spend it as i wish (that happens very rarely).  last week i lost my wednesday becos i took petunia to the doctor, the weeks' prior were cut short becos of various doctor appointments.  in short, for the month of february, i was run ragged with few breaks.

on monday grams had a procedure on her eye.  mom got sick with sinus infection/bronchitis.  dad was getting over being sick.  my ass was dragging and i was looking forward to my wednesday (needed yarn at michael's for a baby blanket, groceries, swimming, sushi).

on tuesday mom called that she couldn't watch the kids this week becos she was too sick - on top of the infections she also had the stomach bug.  goodbye, wednesday.  any break this week, for that matter.

i hung up the phone and sobbed.  i was tired.  bone tired.  after weeks of nursing my kids back to health, i needed a break.  my brain felt fried.  my body hurt.  to have to wait until saturday (when hubby would be home and we'd tag team caring for the kids) - it hurt.

tuesday and wednesday were hard.  i bawled all day.  i felt like a zombie. i felt like i hit the wall.  when the kids napped (which wasn't very long), i napped.  all i wanted to do was curl up in a ball and space out.  anyone with toddler twins will tell you, you can't do that.

the past couple of days have been the blackest that i've known for quite some time.  depression and helplessness are funny bedfellows.  they smother and cripple you.  they made me feel like i was in a dark hole, and no matter how i tried to climb out, another load was dumped on me.

i blame myself.  i don't have a lot of friends IRL, but it's a moot point since they have lives of their own or live hours away.  my family is either sick, old or wrapped up in their own dramas.  i've considered having a standby babysitter for days like this, but i don't trust just anybody with my kids.  i even thought about asking someone at church for help, but members my age either work and have families of their own, or else have their heads firmly up their asses and don't think of helping another parishoner out.

hubby came home early yesterday (he read for one of the head start classes for dr. suess day) and spotted me a bit.  he listened and held me as i cried, and i listened to him rail about his frustrations.  no one in the world knows what i'm going through except him.  we never thought we'd be on a parenthood journey like this, but i'm grateful he's with me on this one.



today has been a better day.  the kids are getting over their illnesses and things are returning back to normal.  i'm exhausted, but i keep on keepin' on.

as a mother, and especially as a MOM, i'm always astonished at the secret reservoir of strength we seem to have when times are tough.  the times when i'm up against the wall, and i'm spent and have nothing more to give.  i hear a kind word, or get a small second wind, and it's enough to push through the wall.

maybe it was hubby coming home an hour early.  maybe it was becos i had a better night's sleep.  maybe the kiddos understood my frustration and exhaustion and decided to behave.  dunno.  don't care, really.

i'll get my break, some day.  it just won't be this week.

no more breast feeding guilt!

i've kept quiet on this subject for a long time, and i'm sick of feeling shame and guilt. therefore, i'm coming out of the "i'm not breastfeeding" closet.

ever since i was 10 i've had a hate relationship with my breasts. i was an "early bloomer" and took a lot of teasing when i was younger cos i had boobs. i hated that i could never wear cute spaghetti strap tops and dresses without looking like a whore. i hated that i had to wear big tops to accommodate them. i hated the monthly aches and pains that they had before i got my period (sometimes i had to deal with pain for up to 2 weeks prior). could never find cute lacy bras. they were too small for surgery but big for my petite size.

fast forward to when i had the boy nearly 6 years ago. i hadn't planned on nursing becos i still hated my breasts. they were huge, they hurt, and i felt like a cow. i knew that breastfeeding was best, but i knew it wasn't for me. i was pleasantly surprised after i delivered him and told the nursing staff that i didn't plan to nurse, that i was going to bottle feed. i thought i'd get the third degree for "depriving my child of my precious nutrients." but i wasn't nursed as a child, no women in my family nursed, and it felt like the right decision.

now that i'm having the twins, i'm afraid that the breast nazis are going to attack me for yet again not wanting to breast feed. i get so tired of reading magazine articles condemning the bottle and praising the breast. i do believe that breast feeding is good, but it's not the right option for me.

to wit:

"breast feeding brings you closer to your baby"

i developed a really close bond to the boy when he was a baby. i held him a lot. when he napped, i held him on my chest and napped along with him (this was also to ensure that he didn't stop breathing). when i bathed him, he got in the bath with me (hubby was there to hand him over and then dry and dress him) so we had a lot of skin to skin contact. hubby also developed a close bond with the boy too, and it had to be for other reasons since hubby obviously can't nurse. and our bonds were forged becos we didn't breast feed.


"breast feeding helps prevent allergies and illness in babies"

the boy will be 6 in the fall, and i can count ON ONE HAND how many colds and flus he's had. he got his first bad cold when he was three. when he gets sick, it never lasts long. and when he was younger, every time he had a sniffle, it was becos he was cutting a tooth. i know women who breast fed exclusively, and their children are constantly sick and have allergies.


"breast feeding prevents child hood obesity"

that may be so. but the boy is still pretty thin, considering he drank formula.


"breast feeding helps mom lose weight"

maybe. but i didn't gain a whole lot with the boy (maybe an extra 10 pounds), and they were gone within a couple of months. i only gained weight in recent years becos i have a crapped up immune system and insulin issues, quite possibly caused by years of chronic work stress and the changes my body underwent during and after i was pregnant.

maybe moms would lose weight faster, if they didn't pack on the pounds while they were pregnant.


other reasons why i didn't breast feed:

1. i love spicy food (like mexican and chinese). i love gassy food (like haluski and baked beans). i love peanut butter, strawberries and the occasional glass of fountain coke or kosher wine. these foods are off the breast feeding menu! fuck that. i wanted to eat what i wanted to eat, and i wanted to eat without guilt.

2. i liked to sleep. hubby and i took turns at night feeding the boy. can't do that when you're breast feeding. oh, i know you can pump and bottle, but remember, for at least 6 months it's strictly breast. i'm a selfish bitch, and i didn't want to be an insomniac for 6 months.

3. hubby and i liked to have grown up time. hubby and i went out one evening a week, even if it's out for a quick bite to eat. (still do). the boy was watched by either of our parents. if i nursed, we couldn't get away.

4. sometimes i needed a break. as a stay at home mom, i had no one else to turn to other than hubby and our family. i didn't go anywhere with the boy when he was really little. and i needed a break - usually it was for yoga or grocery shopping or just taking a big bath. babies nurse pretty much on demand, and moms don't get a break. call me selfish. but i needed a break. and by doing so, i became a better mother becos of it.

5. i have a chronic medical disorder called hidradenitis supporativa, which is a chronic staph infection. i get my carbuncles mostly in my pits, my groin and on my breasts. they are painful. in fact, i had a large carbuncle on my breast which led me to unnecessary ultrasound and appointments at the local breast cancer center. i do not want to be breast feeding with sore cracked nipples and a boil the size of a golf ball on my breast.

6. i'm having twins. i'm not sure if i could even produce enough milk for two babies. so why bother.

7. i realize i'm going to get reamed for saying this, but seeing a woman nursing in public gives me the willies. while most are very discreet, covering themselves up, but i have seen women bearing all. i know this is a natural thing and obviously should be allowed, but no offense, but ick. (plus it's really hard to explain to the boy when he sees someone feeding their baby with their boobie.)


i've been feeling so much guilt over not breast feeding. and i'm so sick of it. i have very valid reasons why i don't plan to breast feed. i still think it's wonderful for babies and for women. breast probably is best. but it's not the best for me.

not a normal mommy

today was the day that the boy had his halloween party at school. he dressed like scooby doo (brown fleece pants, brown shirt, knitted tail, collar and hat and brown shoes). so we watch the kids parade around the hall. my kid's the only one with a homemade costume. the rest were princesses, wenches, butterflies or costumes that otherwise meant plunking down some greenbacks to make the kid look cool. and then there's my kid, looking like i slapped his costume together in 5 minutes.

whatever happened to making homemade halloween costumes? i'll admit, i had store bought costumes back in the day (princess, wonder woman, witch) but they were those boxed costumes with the plastic bodysuit and mask shell that didn't cost an arm and a leg (and prolly would have incinerated me if i got near an open flame now). mom supplimented these costumes with matching pants/shirts/jewelry/homemade accessories (like black pants/shirts for the witch, pink pants for the princess legs, etc). when i got older i made my own costumes (greenish dress and homemade crown/torch for lady liberty, sloppy pants/shirt/hooked nose/lipstick/wig for quasimoto). punk/clown/witch costumes were so easy to make homemade.

once i priced costumes when the boy was a baby...$30 for a pumpkin costume just seemed too much. since he was born, he went as snoopy (he was only a month old and i had sewed sparkly black ears to a white skullcap), harold and the purple crayon (he was half bald and looked like harold, he just wore blue fleecy footy jammies and carried a paper towel tube covered with purple paper), a red devil sweatsuit that i paid a fortune for at babies 'r us when he was 2 (and he still wears around the house on cold days), a baseball player at 3 (he wore baseball jammies) and this year homemade scooby. but does making a homemade costume instead of plunking down the plastic mean you love your child more? or make you more practical? or is storebought just the lazy way out or was my way the lazy way out? anyone else still do homemade?

we also could take treats for the kids so i sent leftover bags of pretzels and taped a piece of licorice to the bag. the boy comes home with SWAG - bags full of pencils, stampers, stickers, toys, candy, etc, etc. i can't imagine what these kids' birthday parties are like. so next time should i give a bag of swag too? or go homespun?

when did being a parent become so complicated?!?!

then i took the boy to the new playground to work off some steam before library. he chased some kids around for 20 minutes while i worked on mom's purse (which i must finish soon, it's been hanging out since early summer).

then we went to library. it was full today compared to other tuesdays. there's this one kid that i can't stand. she never shuts the fuck up, and she's a know it all. she goes to the same preschool as hubby's best friend's daughter and i must ask him if all kids from that school are as obnoxious as her of if she's just an exception. the last time we went to storytime the librarian gave the kids little pumpkins and they did a counting story with them, except my kid got into a snit and refused to do it and the brat TATTLED on him. today the craft was a candy corn magnet and the kid announces that "she's not allowed putting magnets on the fridge." and during story time 2 stories were read, and the boy picked a book for the second story but L said it was a bit long, so she picked another book (that the brat emphatically wanted). i don't know if the boy was snitty about that but the brat says in a snotty tone "i'm sorry she didn't pick your book and she's reading mine." OMG. a grandparent brings her and never tells her to stop. i can only imagine what she's like at home. i can't wait till she goes to kindergarten next year and she won't come to story time.

i always feel inadequate when i go to story time. the moms who come have like 10 kids, are usually preggers or hauling a baby around, don't have c-section guts, wear designer jeans and clothes and carry high end purses and diaper bags. and here comes me and my kid, me with my life is good bag (which i swapped back to when i found everyone else carrying my red plaid vera bradley pattern), a sock or something WIP, black yoga gear (praying it holds my sagging c-section gut), handknit socks, clark sneaks and glasses. we walk, while everyone else drives mom vans/suvs/high end cars. and i drive a piece of shit baretta with peeling paint. i stopped going to MOMs group becos i felt the same way (an old plymouth breeze amid a sea of suvs and vans). i know i shouldn't judge. high end is not my style (except for yarn and even there i try to reserve myself). i try to remind myself that these people may have a high end debt to match the high end lifestyles they are exhibiting. whatever.

on a good note the boy and i found a crippled praying mantis in the alley behind our house. i think it got hit by a car. it's arms were moving around but the abdomen was dark, i'm assuming full of blood. i found a leaf and carried over to the grass so it wouldn't be injured further. i talked to the boy about how rare it is to find a praying mantis (i've only ever seen a handful in my life) and that it was a shame that it was hurt. when we walked back from the library we found it in the grass, barely moving. prolly looking at the big white tunnel. anyways, it was a neat moment to share with the boy, even tho it was a bit morbid.

i finished my BIL's ice scraper mitt (altho had some trouble with the pattern and botched up the hem. no biggy, but i was really frustrated with how the pattern was written. very confused). i'm now working on mom's purse (noro) and added some rows to MM's shawl. i'd like to get them done pretty soon. i'm making pretty good headway on my xmas gifts.

after posting **twice** and emailing **twice** i still haven't heard anything about getting a ball of vickie howell's yarn. my guess is that somehow the email's stuck in nogoland and i'm shit outta luck. oh well. not the first time i've met disappointment. quite well acquainted.