hard stuff

first off, pretty WIP shot!  that's winchester, a pattern and yarn that i got at KDO this year.

now for the hard stuff.

i am struggling with some serious health issues.  i'm exhausted from lack of sleep and from constant pain from my PN.  it's hard to chase after kiddos when my feet are hypersensitive and hurt and my ankles throb.  at least my sugars are improving.  and i've lost enough weight that i can pull my jeans and khakis down without unsnapping and unzipping them.

i'm dealing with some faith issues.  i still believe in God - always have, always will - but some days i don't believe in my Lutheran faith anymore.  or in Christians, for that matter.  this is so hard for me.  i count on my faith to help me through hard things, and it really sucks when the faith (and the people) you count on...aren't there anymore.  and no longer care about you either.

lastly.  maybe it's becos of the election.  perhaps it's the economy.  a lot of it is societal.  i'm fatigued (and not in a physical sense).  i have no faith in the government anymore.  society has me going O.o on a daily basis.  i guess what i'm trying to say is, i'm tired of other people's crap affecting my life.  and the fact that common sense and decency is nearly non-existent these days.  

all of this hard stuff has taken its toll on my blog (and my knitting which is coming back in spurts).  hence, the radio silence.  i toyed with shuttering my blog, but i was reluctant to do that becos i like to write about my knitting and my kids' milestones.  i also read an article recently that journaling/blogging is good for airing out issues.  i'm sure my "hard" posts are unpopular and difficult to read, but for me, it feels good getting it out of my system.  

for now, i think i'll blog when the spirit moves me (or i complete a project, or the kids do something exceptional).  no stress of ohmygoshwhatamigratefulforthisweek or whatismymomentthisweek or iamtiredoflookingatthatoldpost.  this is my space and i can write whenever i want to.  in the meantime i am working on my health issues.  and praying a lot.  

thanks for listening.  

knitting mojo...

...i seemed to have lost it.  :(

i'm still feeling run down, and i haven't felt like knitting.  i worked on Clara today while waiting at a doctor appointment, but it was the first time i picked it up since last monday (ironically enough, at another doctor appointment).  it barely left my purse (except for me to take its picture yesterday):



Clara was supposed to be knit with Glimpse by 3IG.  Clara decided she wanted to be dream in color smooshy in pansy golightly.  right now i'm in the middle of the garter stitch increases, so it's nice quiet mindless knitting.


then there's PSOTMC for march - sunday swing:




swinger needs a mate.  apparently i have SSS.  not that the pattern is difficult or anything - loved working it and the sock flew off my needles - but for some insane reason, i'm just not feeling the sock love.  i have until next wednesday to complete it.  shouldn't be hard to do if i work on it during the evening.  just have to cast on, and there lies the problem.  i have no mojo to cast on.  :(


and i really gotta start cranking on this:



it's freaking garter stitch.  i'm making one stroller sized blanket.  not hard at all.   i want to complete it by the end of april.  but alas - i'm just not feeling it.


i think i am so exhausted from being sick, tending to petunia (and now freddie) and their colds and having a crazy busy weekend, that i can't be bothered to do anything.  my knitting mojo isn't the only thing taking a beating - so's reading.  i don't feel like reading either (although i have no deadline on any books).  

hopefully this weekend i can catch up on rest (!!! with kids !!!) and my mojo will return.  

the secret reservoir

this week was really hard for me.  for the past 3 weeks my kids and hubby were sick.  the boy had sinus infection and pneumonia;  petunia had ear infection and croup (and i think sinus infection too), and freddie had croup and a cold.  hubby had (and still has IMO) sinus infection and a clogged ear.  by the grace of God i didn't get sick (although i had a particularly hellacious week with my HS).

wednesdays are when my mom watches the kiddos so i can swim, run errands and spend it as i wish (that happens very rarely).  last week i lost my wednesday becos i took petunia to the doctor, the weeks' prior were cut short becos of various doctor appointments.  in short, for the month of february, i was run ragged with few breaks.

on monday grams had a procedure on her eye.  mom got sick with sinus infection/bronchitis.  dad was getting over being sick.  my ass was dragging and i was looking forward to my wednesday (needed yarn at michael's for a baby blanket, groceries, swimming, sushi).

on tuesday mom called that she couldn't watch the kids this week becos she was too sick - on top of the infections she also had the stomach bug.  goodbye, wednesday.  any break this week, for that matter.

i hung up the phone and sobbed.  i was tired.  bone tired.  after weeks of nursing my kids back to health, i needed a break.  my brain felt fried.  my body hurt.  to have to wait until saturday (when hubby would be home and we'd tag team caring for the kids) - it hurt.

tuesday and wednesday were hard.  i bawled all day.  i felt like a zombie. i felt like i hit the wall.  when the kids napped (which wasn't very long), i napped.  all i wanted to do was curl up in a ball and space out.  anyone with toddler twins will tell you, you can't do that.

the past couple of days have been the blackest that i've known for quite some time.  depression and helplessness are funny bedfellows.  they smother and cripple you.  they made me feel like i was in a dark hole, and no matter how i tried to climb out, another load was dumped on me.

i blame myself.  i don't have a lot of friends IRL, but it's a moot point since they have lives of their own or live hours away.  my family is either sick, old or wrapped up in their own dramas.  i've considered having a standby babysitter for days like this, but i don't trust just anybody with my kids.  i even thought about asking someone at church for help, but members my age either work and have families of their own, or else have their heads firmly up their asses and don't think of helping another parishoner out.

hubby came home early yesterday (he read for one of the head start classes for dr. suess day) and spotted me a bit.  he listened and held me as i cried, and i listened to him rail about his frustrations.  no one in the world knows what i'm going through except him.  we never thought we'd be on a parenthood journey like this, but i'm grateful he's with me on this one.



today has been a better day.  the kids are getting over their illnesses and things are returning back to normal.  i'm exhausted, but i keep on keepin' on.

as a mother, and especially as a MOM, i'm always astonished at the secret reservoir of strength we seem to have when times are tough.  the times when i'm up against the wall, and i'm spent and have nothing more to give.  i hear a kind word, or get a small second wind, and it's enough to push through the wall.

maybe it was hubby coming home an hour early.  maybe it was becos i had a better night's sleep.  maybe the kiddos understood my frustration and exhaustion and decided to behave.  dunno.  don't care, really.

i'll get my break, some day.  it just won't be this week.

running on empty

having twins and a big kid, my life is pretty busy.  hubby is wonderful with the kids and helps with the chores.  our parents also watch the kids so we can do a date night, or so i can run errands.

at the end of the day...the week...i am spent.  i started going to bed earlier.  i am eating better by upping my intake of fruits and veggies and eating less junk.  next week i'll start swimming again (i went to get my swim pass today but the office was closed) and i "putter" around for exercise.   but my mind races and some days i feel catatonic.  i feel depleted.

i have a question for moms out there (and especially for moms of multiples)...what do you do to keep your energy up?  or do you collapse in a heap as soon as the last child's head hits the pillow?  i know i'm not alone in feeling tired.  i'm tired of being tired.

SAD

i've dealt with depression for much of my life.  starting in junior high, i was the psychiatrist wet dream:  depressed, anxious, self conscious, paranoid, and shy to the point of it being debilitating.  during my later high school years i started to carve out my own individuality and while my moods stabilized somewhat, i still felt depression off and on for years, usually situational.

it wasn't until years later, when i had the boy, i noticed that some of these patterns coincided with the seasons.  my depression usually started in early fall - i always called it my "after the bloomsburg fair dumps".  i always felt like i should settle in for hibernation, starting in october.  while there were the few bright moments - halloween, thanksgiving, christmas and valentines day - i pretty much wanted to crawl into a hole and emerge from it on my birthday in mid march.  i think i had SAD - seasonal affective disorder.

when i was pregnant with the boy, i was fearful of having post partum depression.  i was afraid that years of off and on depression would render me a mess once the baby was born.  the funny thing was, after the boy was born, i wasn't depressed.  perhaps i was deluded and just happy that i had a beautiful living baby, but outside of the occasional blues, i was happy.

this lasted for 5 years, until i lost ani.  pregnancy loss is a wicked bitch, and it turned my life inside out.  and that fall, between the anxiety of TTC and ani's looming EDD, my depression was back.

we found out we were expecting the kiddos shortly after the new year, and those fears and anxieties were just a whole 'nother kettle of fish.  the kiddos were born with no major problems and we were delighted with the completion of our family.

caring for and raising 3 children is an obvious strain.  trying to balance the interests of 3 children at 2 deeply different stages of development is a challenge.  one baby is tiring.  2 babies was exhausting!  for the first time in over 6 years, my SAD returned.

i thought that as the kiddos grew up, they would be easier to care for.  not so!  at the end of the day, after a day of chasing the kids away from my china cupboard doors, where they discovered my stash of beeswax candles, to closing the front door so they don't pinch their fingers since they enjoy playing with the door, i am exhausted.  i realize that children are exhausting in themselves, but these kids leave me whipped.

the tiredness is an evil cycle in itself.  i'm a big girl and i snore quite a bit, and this apnea prevents me from getting the rest i need.  i'm tired and have little energy to be super active.  if i was super active, i'd lose weight, but since i feel like a lazy lop i don't lose the weight.  and since i'm not losing the weight i keep on snoring.  and since i snore i don't sleep well.  and on and on and on...

so anyway.  this week is bloom fair week.  the leaves are changing prematurely.  and i can feel the need to hibernate calling to me.  but i can't.  at least not with the kiddos in tow.  they need their mama bear.  she may be tired, and she may feel anxious and depressed.  but i keep on keeping on.  it's all i can do.