a different kind of mourning

When hubby and i were planning our family, our original plans were at least one child, hopefully 2.  we were blessed with the boy and nearly 6 years later were surprised with twins.

my previous losses fueled my fear of carrying the pregnancy to term, and carrying twins was way different than carrying a singleton.  so while the doctor was elbow deep in my lady bits after petunia was born, the hen house was officially closed.

it's a year later and now several of my baby bump buddies are either pregnant again, TTC or making plans to TTC.  i am obviously happy for my friends, many of whom have also experienced pregnancy loss.

i can't help but feel a bit envious and somewhat sad that my own childbearing experience is over.  i shouldn't tho.  i made this choice, to have a tubal ligation.  from a practicality standpoint, 3 children are a handful and a challenge.  financially, it's tough.  i'm 36, still sussing out my medical issues.  another pregnancy is not an appropriate option for me.  and from someone who grew up an only, having a large family (of 5) is a bit overwhelming to me.  i love my children.  i couldn't imagine having one more or one less.  our family is now perfect, and complete.

i'm trying to pinpoint why exactly i feel this way.  my twins pregnancy was not a "normal" pregnancy, and i know at the time i felt somewhat resentful that my pregnancy was different.  coupled with fear of being unable to carry to term, i felt like i lost out on a good pregnancy experience.  obviously the outcome was great - the kiddos are active and thriving - but i suppose my expectations were a sort of loss.

i'm sure my losses are not helping my feelings.  i wonder if i would have felt more comfortable (!!!) with my twins pregnancy had i not had it hanging over my head.  perhaps it has nothing to do with my mourning.

one day, my melancholy will get the best of me.  i will hear another "BFP!" announcement, and it will make me feel so sad for myself that i will finally allow myself to cry.  and i should.  my baby days are over.  i think it's normal to mourn the loss of your fertility (whether by nature or by choice).  but i have so much to look forward to.  the boy, who's birthday is this week, is such a sweet, smart, funny guy.  i am so proud of him.  petunia is a spitfire, toddling all over, getting into things.  and freddie is the still water that runs deep - observant, quiet, analytical.  i am so enjoying watching my children grow up and become individuals.  i don't need another child for that.

what a difference a week makes

my last blog was last sunday morning.

by sunday night i became the mother of twins, a boy and a girl. in the span of 2 minutes, our family of 3 became a family of 5.

they were born at 34 weeks 5 days, just shy of 35 weeks. instead of delivering them at my hospital, i was transfered by ambulance to geisinger, where 2 hours later william frederich and laura faith were delivered by c-section and placed in the NICU to monitor their glucose levels.

laura and i came home from the hospital today - me with residual HBP, her with a bit of jaundice. freddie is still in the hospital being monitored for the last step before he comes home - maintaining his body temps - and will hopefully be home on sunday morning.

i am in awe of the two tiny lives that my husband and i created. i can't stop looking at their tiny faces, looking for traces of myself and my husband in them. freddie has my nose and my mom says he looks just like i did when i was born. laura has hubby's nose and my chin. and both have hair on the backs of their ears, just as the boy did when he was born.

i am also amazed that after a year of mourning my beloved annelise, God has graced us with these two precious souls. they are absolute blessings to my family.

my birth plan

there's a thread in one of the pregnancy groups on ravelry where someone expressed concern about their doctor not being at their child's birth. apparently they had established rapport with the doctor, but he/she was called out of state for a family emergency. the writer asked if anyone else had an experience like this and how things turned out.

i responded that i was going through a similar experience. my doctor was on vacation for 3 weeks and i was followed by another doctor in the practice. he was very nice, but had a very different bedside manner than my regular doc. he wasn't familiar with my case, and often i had to explain a couple times my pregnancy circumstances and potential game plans with my doc. last week, when i had my preterm labor scare, i was delighted to know that the doctor on call was the same doctor who had delivered the boy. fortunately i didn't need her services.

yesterday i met with my surrogate doc, and he inquired about my c-section game plan. i told him i was hoping my regular doc could do the procedure, but at this point if he couldn't i didn't mind if another doctor in the practice delivered the babies, since the practice followed my pregnancy from the beginning and i felt they should have the glory of delivering twins (which is apparently a rarity in an ob/gyn's career.)

back to the ravelry thread. someone else responded to my post that it didn't matter what doctor delivered the babies, i was the one doing the work. uh, not exactly.

my regular doc was the one who told us we were having twins. he has followed my pregnancy from day one. he was there for me last year when i lost ani. he talked me down from ledges when i had questions about the babies, my health, my concerns. when i found out he was going on vacation (which he certainly deserves) i prayed that the babies would stay in until he was back at the office becos he was most familiar with my case. he's the one who told me i was having a c-section. last time i checked, i can't cut my abdomen open and deliver these babies by myself. yes, there's a chance where i could deliver the babies VBAC but with my current health issues it would be ill advised. I COULD DIE DELIVERING THESE BABIES. don't think that hasn't crossed my mind throughout this journey.

so yes, i do have a right to feel anxious about not having my doctor delivering my twins. i do have a right to request my doctor deliver the babies (barring an emergency on his part, then i would certainly welcome another doc from the practice to deliver them). this pregnancy has been long and eventful, and every time i have to repeat my history to someone new, i get exhausted.

so please respect my birth plan wishes. i would never impose my opinion on someone else's plan. please don't impose on mine.



my belly check went well. doc was pleased with the ultrasound results. apparently the babies scored 8 out of 8 for something which is really good. i don't know what that means but i'll take it as good news. i have to increase my bp meds by one pill (so i take it morning, noon and night). hopefully that helps with the swelling and my increasing hbp. cervix is still long and tight. i'm experiencing some clear discharge, sometimes with mauve smears in it, but i compare it to having a runny nose with a blood smear in the mucus; nothing to worry about. cramps are few and far between. i hurt. my belly is stretched to kingdom come. but the babies are active, i'm pooping, and my appetite is improving. life at 35 weeks is good. hopefully i can make it to 36 weeks. next week feels like a good time for 2 birthdays to me.

friday soup

i had sunday scrapple. now it's soup friday.

yesterday i had another NST and ultrasound. the babies are doing well, very active, and i have adequate amniotic fluid. i hurt like hell, my belly is so misshapen and my "apron" is all stretched out with gigantic white stretch mark worms all over it. i can only imagine what my belly is going to look like after the babies are born. it was flabby before i got pregnant, i have a feeling it's going to look a lot worse. thank goodness for spanx! i gained 10 lbs from last week, but i surmise it's water weight since my left leg is twice the size of my right one, and my foot looks like a club. my joints hurt. i can barely walk. i'm ravenously hungry (i had lomein for the first time in months) . last night i cried in the shower becos i hurt so bad. i know i need to let these babies cook a little longer, at least 2 more weeks, but my body feels unbearable. i am still scared of losing these babies, and with all the pain i have i will seriously be pissed at the universe if anything happens to them. today i have another belly check. if all goes well, i'll schedule another NST and ultrasound, and see my old doc again!



yesterday my MIL had a followup at the cancer doctor. she got a good report, altho they found a couple of "rogue" (my term) cells around the edge of the incision. doc thinks that with chemo and radiation the cells will get wiped out. this is annoying. how can a tiny isolated tumor have spread all over her breast in the matter of 6 weeks? i don't get it. they didn't remove her drainage tube.

the good news is because of the tube, she is staying home from camping next week. my FIL, on the other hand, still plans to go to the campground next week. apparently WV aunt is coming up, for only one day, and my SIL will be up on sunday. FIL wanted to take the boy out the campground, and hubby told him no becos we don't know what's up with the babies, and if i go into labor or have trouble we want him with us.



yesterday at the hospital hubby saw our old neighbors near the nursery. yay for them, they now have another bastard grandchild! hubby barely got to talk to them (i was on my way to ultrasound) so we don't know which boy knocked up someone or where they are living. i told hubby i never saw a family where the boys can't keep their dicks in their pants. they don't have jobs, but apparently their best skill is knocking up baby mamas. oh goodie. another mouth for us to feed! never mind we'll be struggling to feed our own kids. feh.



my mom's cousin got a clean bill of health from her mammo! the 2 spots they found turned out to be fluid filled cysts, and as soon as the doctor aspirated them they burst and drained. i am so glad that at least one woman i know won't have to deal with breast cancer!



guess that's it. i need to get some sleep since my appointment is at 8:30. woke at 2am with cramps, so i peed and guzzled some water. i'm sure i'm dehydrated. i didn't drink much yesterday.

sunday scrapple

yet again, so much to say, too many little posts. it's scrapple time!



the good hubby

hubby ran errands for me yesterday. he did pretty good. i need to be more clear on my lists tho - he got me the wrong tums, and the wrong hamburger (i like organic beef; he got 93% lean beef, as i requested, but it looked funny.) i grumbled too much, and i hurt his feelings. i am so appreciative that he does this for me - he could be a real jerk and refuse to do it.

we talked about that this morning. he saw an acquaintance at the grocery store and she commented on how nice it was for hubby to do these things for me. apparently not many men are hot to run errands for their pregnant wives!! hubby cooks, cleans and fetches.

it's still hard for me to let someone else do my work for me. i think that's why i bitched about the tums and the meat. i can't wait for these babies to be born, so i can go back to shopping, and cleaning and cooking the way i usually do.



and now a word from the bastard limb of my family tree

my cousin t had his baby a couple weeks ago. they had a boy. mom told me the baby's name, and i looked him up on the online hospital nursery. cute kid. my cousin can't deny paternity, the baby is the spitting image of him. the name, on the other hand, really is interesting. the name is acheryn thorian theodrid. i googled these names and damned if i can find them in any baby name dictionary. thorian is supposedly a derivative of thor (that was the easy name to find!) theodrid, from what i can determine is a name from lord of the rings. acheryn was the hardest of all - the first hit came up my cousin's baby announcement. a few hits down showed some harry potter fanpages - i don't remember seeing the name in any of the books but i could be wrong. my cousin must be getting heat on the name becos in the comment section they wrote "never mind the names, admit the kid is cute." i don't know if my cousin and his baby mama are into sci-fi fantasy or what, but it's definitely one of the most unusual names i've ever seen.



week 34

knock on wood, my uterus has been behaving itself and the babies are doing okay. last night i filled out the paperwork the PEP nurse gave us to fill out (birth cert forms, online nursery stuff, etc.) i guess i was feeling optimistic that my babies will be born at this hospital. i still have to fill out names, stats etc but that shouldn't take too long. unfortunately i have to do everything in duplicate, for 2 babies, but now that i got the lionshare done, it won't take too long at the hospital.

i think of my EDD as 9/8, even tho my doc has me at 9/15. i was surprised to find out that my doc has me at 33w2d on thursday. doesn't matter anyway. i still think these kids are coming early.

my knitting group wanted to have a shower for me. hubby had to spill the beans to me. they wanted to do it tomorrow night, but after all the tummy troubles last week and me sitting put for the rest of the pregnancy, we felt it best to wait until the babies were born, and we'd take them to knitting to show them off. i didn't want any showers, since we had a few for the boy and had all the things we need for these babies, but i felt touched. secretly i hoped my teacher would make a couple of buntings like she had for someone who helps with her yoga classes but apparently the group got me something. have no idear what, but hubby knows - he said he suggested it. all i can think of is diapers and wipes, or gift cards for dipes and wipes. i guess i'll find out a month or so from now.



MIL

mil came home yesterday afternoon and is now resting. hubby visited yesterday and said she was sleeping (she got the good drugs) and that she was doing okay.

MIL will have a home nurse visit every day to change dressings and check the drainage tube. she's supposed to start treatment in 2 weeks (methinks).

my FIL is nuts. next week they're supposed to go camping at the amusement park. remember, she's supposed to have a home nurse visit every day. they don't necessarily have a set schedule for visits. so my FIL thinks they can stay at the park and come home every morning until the nurse visits, then go back to the park. the park is half an hour away, so do this 4 times. on top of that the last day of camping MIL has a doc's appointment and his idea is they'll have the camper packed, drive to the appointment (which is almost an hour away), drive back to get the camper then go to the next campground.

WTF??? this driving back and forth is just crazy.  i don't understand why they don't bag camping next week and just stay at home. MIL just had major surgery. the amusement park is, no offense, the dirtiest campground i've ever been to. the other campground, not quite as dirty but i still leave feeling filthy, spesh after a camp fire. is that safe for an incision?  none of us are camping with them this year - i'm in no shape to go to the park, hubby isn't taking the boy in case i go in labor, my SIL probably won't go becos they've taken a lot of time off for MIL's appointments and procedures, and our extended family probably won't come up either.  if it were my decision, i'd be home, with my own bathroom and sofa, cool and clean.



the boy will be home soon. watching a gilmore girls marathon. it feels weird playing hooky on a sunday. i can't wait for the babies to get here, so i can go back to church.

Sofa city

Just a quicky...

On self imposed sofa rest for possible contractions. Prolly just stronger bh or else the babies are beating the tar out of each other but I feel tired and crampy and heavy so I thought best to lay low the rest of the day.

Mil had lumpectomy last week. No sign of c in her lymph nodes thank god!!! Her tx will be the atomic seeds and a few months of chemotherapy compared to toxic cocktails til next spring. She's recuping well and is off for a few weeks till she gets the seeds and chemotherapy.

Nursery almost done. Have 2 tubs yet to wash. And have to spackle and paint some spots.

week 28 Twitter style

I had a bunch of things here but they disappeared. I hate typing on an iPod. How ppl text so much is beyond me.

23

i am now a week away from viability. i'm not sure if viability for twins is the same as a singleton, but at least they have a 50/50 chance of survival, with grave disability potential. but i'm not going to think that way.

the babies seem to move around more. i think one has the hiccups becos at least once a day i get a rhythmic bump going near my belly button. i read in my book that babies are supposed to weigh about a pound this week, which means i prolly have 2 pounds of babies in me. my pelvis is driving me nuts and i'm having an increasingly harder time getting comfortable sitting and laying down. if i lay on my left side (which i'm supposed to do) my legs fall asleep. i can't sleep on my right side becos something in my belly gets in the way and hurts. i can't lay on my back becos it hurts my tailbone and circulation issues. can't sleep on my belly for obvious reasons. can't sleep in the recliner becos it makes my neck hurt plus i snore. if i'm having trouble now, what is it going to be like a few months from now!

yesterday we got the stroller, 2 car seats and high chair plus some extra bottles. the stuff cost a fortune. now i know why people have baby showers. i don't want one, becos we do have most of the things left from the boy, but it seems that everything cost more this time around than when we had the boy.

we also took the boy to the state museum - he seemed to enjoy it. there were a lot of school groups, so it was pretty busy, but we muddled through. the boy seemed to like the animal hall and the indians. they were always my favorite exhibits too. the place never changes - it looks exactly the same as it did when i was little. i made out okay with the walking. there were a couple of benches and i did take some breaks, but i was okay.

today my inlaws took hubby and the boy to some tractor show near selinsgrove, where they saw tractor square dancing and different things. the boy loved the corn box and the oil can train. hubby came home with home made french fries (soggy but good), whoopie pies, kettle corn, homemade potato chips, and best of all homemade vanilla and raspberry ice cream. it was the absolute best. i'm glad they had a good day.

on a sad note, my MIL found out that she has breast cancer. right now it's stage 1 IDC (just shy of stage 0) and it sounds like she'll have a good prognosis. fortunately it was caught by a mammo, and since it wasn't there last year, it's pretty slow growing and hopefully with a lumpectomy and some other treatment she will be cured.

dad update

good news on dad. he's doing well enough to leave the hospital today. unfortunately the doc hasn't been around to sign his DC papers! poor dad. he's crawling the walls antsy. but he's feeling much much better. mom's a little disgusted with the services the hospital offers. no snack bar or shuttle service on weekends. she was going to park in valet but that's closed weekends too. i think it stinks too. how do people who have walking difficulties walk the huge parking lot? what about eating a healthy meal since the snack shop is closed? the hospital is a huge system, and they're growing yearly, so why limit services on weekends? incidentally, this is the same hospital where i visited the RE and had a lousy experience, not to mention the useless visits to the derm. the hospital sits half empty. what a waste. but i shouldn't complain. the doctors fixed my dad up quickly and ably, and for that i'm grateful.

our bishop presided over our church service this morning and the service went well. that should please dad. the boy sang his last anthem for the season, until next fall. he's such a good little singer.

hubby painted our bathroom this weekend and will install the new closet. he did it to keep his mind occupied instead of worrying about dad. the walls used to be this dark greenish paneling. now it's a soothing pale shade of sage green. the room looks totally different now! much brighter and cheerful. hubby also bought ceiling paint, becos it didn't occur to us to paint the ceiling first. we hadn't planned on it, since the ceiling is white, but it looks terribly dingy and there are lots of water spots from leaks from heavy storms/house washing. i plan on getting some new rugs (we've had the current ones since we've been married and the rubber backing has worn off). after it's done, we'll get the closet set up and move our things into it. after that's done, we'll tackle the middle room and paint that and get it ready for the boy.

i'm 20 weeks now. i feel pretty good and feel the babies more. they feel more squirmy and i feel them in different places which makes me feel better. i'm craving really bad stuff right now - crispy treats and cherry kool-aid. shame on me! my sugar seems to be creeping up and i'm trying really hard to control it. on tuesday is our next checkup and the big ultrasound so we'll get to hopefully see better pictures of the babies.

guess that's it.

my idiot relatives

i am so glad i am pregnant. if i wasn't, my head would be exploding right about now. it would probably be visible from space.

i found out yesterday that 3 of my deadbeat cousins are knocked up. one cousin doesn't even know the father of her baby, she's had so many guys. my aunt is absolutely livid. what a fucked up situation.

i am so angry. why do these assholes get the breaks and get pregnant/get someone else pregnant while i had to struggle and deal with my losses? why do they get lucky and my cousin, who's also trying, didn't? where is the fairness in all this?

what also pisses me off is the fact that these kids will get welfare, whereas hubby and i will struggle financially to raise our children, the ones we wanted so much.

i so wish i could chop off this branch of my family tree!

my ipod - RIP

my ipod died today. we got it almost 3 years ago. it was a refurb, but it did it's job very well.

currently looking at ipod touches but we're putting the purchase on ice for a while. i haven't used the ipod for a while - we use hubby's iphone in the car mostly, and i haven't been going very far to listen to music. i DO want one before the babies are born - i want to be able to listen to music or watch videos in the hospital in case the tv is boring. maybe by then they'll be a little cheaper.

it's week 18. i feel some squirmies in my tummy. that's reassuring. i think it's time to put away my jeans. they are getting more uncomfortable and harder to wear/keep up.

easter has come and gone. boy liked his goodies. made supper and i managed to actually EAT it.

that's about it.

week 17 going on 18

this week went by without a weekly update. not much to report, except feeling the same as always. pants getting tighter so i went and spent my birthday card at target - topped out on the pants size! found out that i picked the wrong size dress - accidentally bought the smaller size. tried it on earlier this week and couldn't figure out why it felt so tight! so it might not get me through my pregnancy after all, but with summer coming up, maybe i can find a cute sleeveless dress or something.

catching up on tiredness from vacation. been napping a bit more than usual. hungry for sliced turkey and cranberry sauce. will try to cook a ham and sweet potato casserole for easter dinner.

i'm amazed that there are people who STILL don't know i'm preggers. talked to one family wednesday night and they had no clue. i find it funny becos they are friends with a family the boy goes to school with, and i'm pretty certain they know i'm pregnant (i've talked about it at school so unless they are deaf they should know about it!) also got my first catty comment about eating wednesday night. was hungry for these awesome oatmeal coconut cookies, so i helped myself to a couple, and a lady i'm in choir with commented that "it was okay, i was eating for two." actually, no it's not okay. technically i shouldn't have cookies. technically i shouldn't be eating more than a couple hundred extra calories - just enough to cover the extra energy my body's expending for baking the babies. but the cookies were yummy, i don't jones cookies that much, so i figured i could have a treat. the lady's a bit of a backhanded commenter (when she first heard i was pregnant, she said "i wondered what took you so long!" ABSOLUTELY THE WORSE THING TO SAY TO SOMEONE TTC, AND ESPECIALLY TO SOMEONE WHO'S HAD A LOSS!) fucking cow.

speaking of weird pregnancy symptoms. i find myself lately making uncensored comments, a la asperger's syndrome type of inappropriate comments (no disrespect to anyone with asperger's). like, with the cookie comment, God held my tongue from saying "fucking cow" to the lady (good thing since this happened in church). or monday night, when i told my knitting teacher i wouldn't be to group next week becos she wouldn't be there and "since my knitting mojo has been lacking lately, i'm just not in the place to teach someone new how to knit." i could tell by her response that i surprised her, and immediately i felt bad that i said that. it's like my tact button is temporarily disabled. i'm a snark, but unless i'm really mad, i don't snark to anyone's face (which is prolly worse anyway). i don't know if it's becos i'm more tired or just lacking patience or what, but my tact o meter has been way off the charts. i hope it goes away after the babies are born.

it's holy week and easter is coming. it reminds me of what's really important in this world.

i have things to vent about, but i'll save them for another post.

sweet 16

i just turned 16 weeks today. i'm nearly halfway through this pregnancy. it's funny, but it's going really quickly.

i celebrated week 16 by actually cooking MEAT today! i made sausage and pepper sandwiches for lunch, and i'm making meatballs (rather, packaged meatballs) in tomato sauce for meatball hoagies. i also boiled eggs for pickled eggs. i guess this is a really good thing! not being able to cook really sucks.

another harbinger of spring has arrived. YARD SALES! mom left a message saying they got a baby swing at a sale, plus clothes (for the boy or the babies, i have no idear). i like yard saleing, cos you can get great deals for not a lot of money. we were pricing swings at bRu, and they're actually quite expensive. now if we could only find another pack and play and a high chair, we'd be set!

i bought music on itunes for the first time since xmas. i spent less that $15 getting new stuff by the cure, morrissey, a song from lily allen that i liked, and some fall out boy. yesterday i saw on the news that itunes is changing some of the music pricing, so newer recent songs will cost more than older songs. everything i've wanted is new, so i really didn't feel like spending $1.29 next week on 15 songs. hubby usually gets stuff on itunes. we download a lot of songs we've heard on tv, like on grey's or private practice.

15

closing in on nearly 4 months. i am now twice as far along as i was with ani. today i didn't feel as nauseous or as tired. maybe i'm heading into the "feeling good" part of pregnancy.

i cleaned up the computer room, collecting toys the boy doesn't play with much anymore. they'll be stored in his room, and then moved into a closet when we finish the middle room. they will be accessible in case he wants to play with them. mostly it's his thomas cars and track, a box full of play food and dishes, and some small stuffies that belong upstairs anyway. he's now into the "superhero" phase in his life, and since he gets new figures nearly every week, i guess we'll need to make room for them. there's a lot to be said about fung sui, i feel better already just moving some of the toys out of the room.

it feels like a fish in there

i'm now 14 weeks. i've outgrown my pants except for my 2 pairs of church pants, which are getting pretty snug. i'm impressed i made it this far with them! i'd love to get one more week out of them.

our good news has been spreading and people are happy about it. a couple ladies told me when they found out they had tears in their eyes. i can't imagine our news making someone (other than family) cry! what's more astonishing is that there are people who STILL DON'T KNOW. mom told a lady yesterday who innocently asked how i was doing (she knew we were TTC) and when mom told her we were pregnant, she was dumbstruck! i suppose the fact that our news is slowly spreading is good. i know some churches where gossip is rampant. with the boy, the news got out before we wanted it out.

i still feel nauseous sometimes, and certain foods still turn me off. i'm still tired, but i've found that if i don't eat a lot of sugary crap, i feel a lot better (duh!). sometimes i'll feel a funny tickle in my tummy, and i've wondered if it's yin and yang moving around. i remember how the boy felt in my belly, but i didn't feel that until almost 20 weeks. however, in a twins book i got yesterday, there was note that sometime movement *is* felt as early as 12 weeks. i suppose it's becos there are 2 in there. it's a funny feeling. but it's a comforting one. i can't wait until they start moving a lot more, and even more so when the movement is actually seen.

yesterday we did reconnaisance to babies r us to price out strollers and odds and ends. i'm not too worried about getting a new car seat, i know what i want there (any color that either a boy or girl could use, therefore no pink!). priced out bottles and diapers. mom and dad are getting the second crib but i don't want to get that for a while yet. my biggest worry is getting a stroller. there is a limited variety of twin strollers, and they are expensive, and the thing has to last at least 5 years. the stroller i wanted, the kolcraft contour, was very nice, but VERY HEAVY and actually very hard to control. it reminded me of the kiddy grocery cart at the grocery store (i LOATHE THAT CART). the graco duo glide was just as cumbersome. there was a lighter weight graco tandem that didn't seem so bad but i think it was hard to collapse then open up. there was a combi sport that i really liked, in really cute colors (charcoal and lime green, safe for either or) and it seemed pretty easy to handle. i've come to resolve that we'll get a side by side stroller instead of a tandem. hubby then found another stroller on line by earth baby (?) that looked similar to the combi but was 50 bucks more. i think it had more room, more storage, and looked pretty easy to collapse and open. there's a store below baltimore that sells them, so we'll test drive it. i don't want to buy a stroller without knowing how to collapse it or steer it. the only con with the side by sides is they don't have trays for the babies to put cereal or bottles on. i guess we'll figure out what to do about that when the time comes.

i think i'm slowly coming out of my knitting drought. yesterday at borders i bought several knitting magazines and books. one was a loom book, one was knitting for baby, one was knitting for good. i also found 2 books about twins that looked pretty interesting and informative. i spent a boatload on those books and magazines, but i figure it will be a long time i'll ever be able to do it again.

yin and yang are out of the closet now!

i'm now at 12 weeks, starting my second trimester, and probably a third of the way through this pregnancy.

had my check up today. heard yin and yang's heartbeats, but it took a while. doc had to fish for the beats, he was using a new type of doppler and had difficulty finding both beats, so he got the old doppler. fished around with that one too, but he found them. one baby's heartbeat was slower than the other's. hopefully this means we're having one of each.

we told the boy last night. he was pretty excited and happy. he has no concept of time and thinks they can be born right away. he offered to help with the babies (except for poopy diapers). he offered up some names - batman, robin and superman. uh, no. but he did offer up joseph, which is one name we are considering for a boy except we'd spell it josef.

told knitting group last night. extended family now know. i felt like i was jumping off a cliff when we started telling people, but it's a relief to not keep the secret anymore. it's hard to find different excuses for why you're tired and sick all the time. flu and migraine only go so far!

still going strong

i am now in the middle of 7 weeks. i'm nauseous all day and get tired around lunchtime and early evening. this is a good thing for me. never thought i'd be so happy for nausea and tiredness.

the boy has been sick with a stomach bug. it's incredibly hard to take care of a pukey poopy boy when all i want to do is sleep and keep from barfing myself. i pray i don't get his bug, which i think he got from mom. i was poopy last friday but i didn't know if it was another form of the bug or just food poisoning.

my cravings this week have been for citrus and starbursts. i was hungry for a hamburger sunday. i've been giving into my carb cravings by eating more pasta. i also crave peanut butter.

i've also had some "illegal" cravings. i have been craving sushi like crazy. i only like vegetable sushi (no fish) and wonder if this would be safe. i also had a craving for a glass of red wine! me, who doesn't like to drink, was craving wine! i can drink grape juice as a substitute for that!

my old jeans still fit, but they are getting a little tighter! i wear them as much as possible. i hope i can get another month out of them, and i want to find a belly band so i can keep wearing them! they were big in the butt and legs so there's no reason why i couldn't keep wearing them.

i have lost my knitting mojo! i just don't feel like knitting now, and spend a lot of time reading (books from the library, magazines, etc.) i hope it comes back, becos i have a lot of things to knit for the babies.

hubby and i had a good talk on sunday about the babies. names, fixing the nursery, buying more car seats and another stroller. calculating the financial and spatial ramifications of this surprise. we are both so happy for this blessing and also overwhelmed.

at this time i can't help but remember anni, and that i started bleeding during my 7th week. i am trying so hard to not focus on the bad and looking forward to feeling good and having strong babies. i can't wait to get through the next 2 weeks, and get to 12 weeks, when hopefully it means that yin and yang will be sticking around for the long haul.

thing 1 and thing 2

we had our first check up today. got the biggest surprise in our life.

we are having TWINS.

i don't know whether to laugh or cry.

i have so many questions, so many concerns.

OMG.

1974

those are my numbers. i hope they keep climbing.

we're blessed again ;)

i'm now 5 days late. my boobs feel like boulders. i'm tired.

please be true, 2 blue lines. please don't lie.

please pray for us. i don't think i can handle another lose.