maiden voyage

our new laptop arrived yesterday! now i can blog and email without using the dinosaur or fear of losing my typing on my iPod! we broke down and bought a new mac laptop since our old computer was chugging on it's last legs and barely ran the new programs and platforms.

spent yesterday morning at L&D with frequent contractions. cranky uterus was being a pain in the ass in the middle of the night and i freaked out and called to see if i needed to be monitored. naturally the contractions slowed down while at the hospital. got a good comprehensive ultrasound (babies are looking good and weigh over 5 lbs a piece) and had my cervix checked via dildo cam (nice and tight, the way it should be at this time). released with same instructions - bed rest, minimal activity, push fluids, call if i have problems. i got to skip my MFS appointment. next week is my regular appointment. then i get to see doc s the week after, hurray!

many prayers for my MIL today. she has her mastectomy this morning. she needs many many prayers during this rough time.

33

i'm too tired to blog this so i'll just give the main points. for more details, check out my post in the HAPL "pregnant again" thread on ravelry.

had my NST yesterday. babies have good heart rates, good movement and show that they have lung function.

the bad news is the monitor picked up that i was contracting every 2 minutes. i wound up with 2 injections of terbutaline to calm the contractions. this med sucks. one of the side effects is racing heart, but i had the shakes, i felt like i was bottoming out sugar wise (which i may have been since this was 5pm and i last ate a real meal at 11, and had a peach for a snack around 3) and at one point i felt like i was in shock. it took quite a while to get rid of the after effects. i pray this doesn't become a regular occurence becos those meds are hard to deal with.

the doc didn't seem too concerned about the contractions - he said that it's common for the uterus to contract becos it is being so stretched out by the babies (i guestimate they are prolly over 10 lbs by now). but if i continue to have over 4 contractions an hour, i need to call the doc's office, and if my water breaks, i'll wind up at geisinger becos it has a NICU and can handle preterm twins. i pray that doesn't happen. i want doc S to deliver these babies. and i'm familiar with my hospital too.

becos i got hung up with the NST, i was late to my ultrasound. mark seemed kinda pissy becos we were late, but what could we do? we think there was a scheduling snafu - my NST was in L&D, who weren't expecting us but accommodated us anyway. apparently my doc's office can do NSTs for singletons but not multiples and we think reception scheduled us for the office and not L&D. i had my PEP visit during my NST so i didn't have to wait for that. and my belly check was at regular time. doc seemed pleased with the babies and me. i just need to cook a little longer.

so now i'm on limited activity, pushing fluids, and eating more protein. i've been on self imposed bed rest for months now so my wings are even more clipped. it's frustrating. i'm not used to not being able to do chores - i had to quit doing the dishes last night becos my belly and back hurt so bad, and i literally crawl up the steps, i hurt so bad. nothing i can do about it. in a few more weeks, all this will pass, and i'll have a new pain - c-section pain.

poor hubby is dealing with this like a trooper. not only does he have more responsibilities with me, but he's dealing with work (which hasn't been bad so far) and MIL who is worried about her upcoming mastectomy.  i'm going to sound like a horrendous bitch, but right now i feel resentful of my MIL. i feel bad that she has to have this major surgery and dx, and that she has every right to feel scared and depressed, but becos the family gives minimal support to her, it's falling on hubby's shoulders to listen to her and do things. and right now, I NEED HIM. i can't do dishes anymore. i can't do wash anymore. i can't cook anymore. i feel just as helpless. my SIL has stepped up to the plate and helped out on weekends.  GM complains that she has errands and that MIL can't do it and while she understands hubby can't really do it becos he's busy with me and then adds to MIL's stress by saying that she's not going to lose her daughter.

other news is that hubby ordered a new MAC laptop. our old computer, which is about 7-8 years old, can't support new platforms and literally chugs like a train. it barely supports my iPod, and it takes forever to download stuff. we also got a new printer becos our old one kept getting clogged up and wouldn't print out anything. and becos hubby ordered the laptop with education discount, he got a free iPod touch. we're giving it to the boy as a "gift from the babies" gift. he loves playing with hubby's old work one, but he really should have one of his own. of course i should share the "family" one i have but since i have my schedule and contacts on it, i'm afraid of him hosing it up and losing information. he love having his own. he'll feel like a big shot.

the boy has been an absolute dear about my situation. he fetches water or snacks for me, gets the phone if it's out of reach, and has been more proactive about keeping his toys and room picked up. i pray this behaviour lasts!

guess that's it. my next NST is next thursday, U/S tba, and i see the doc next friday. in a week and a half doc s will be back so i'll feel more comfortable when he's back - i really want him to deliver these babies. he's followed me this whole time, he's earned it.

32

just had 32 week checkup. all is well. heard rolly and hiccup's heart beats, which was reassuring. doc seemed pleased with me and them. next week i start going for weekly non stress tests and ultrasounds. i never had this when i had the boy but i guess they're the norm now, spesh with twins. doc gave a thumbs down to upping the EDD, so i guess it's the end of 37 weeks we're looking at. hopefully the babies have other ideas and decide to come early! please! anytime after August 10 and before September 20!

everywhere i look i've heard horror stories about recent births. 2 new ravelers lost their babies shortly after birth within the past 2 weeks. an acquaintance who was also having twins gave birth to hers last week at 26 weeks. she had preeclampsia, she had no option, and the babies are apparently doing well considering. but it still has the shit scared out of me. i don't want to carry these babies only to lose one or both. i pray God wouldn't be that cruel to me.

boy had a good time on vacation with my folks. came home with a buttload of battlekons - some kind of ball that when you throw it on the floor it becomes a robot? kinda like pokemon? i don't get it either but he loves them, so i guess we have a new expensive hobby to look forward to now.

soon to be 29, 7 weeks left

i had another post a few days ago with all sorts of little tidbits, twitter style, but somehow lost everything. i was typing it on my ipod touch. that'll teach me to blog on my pod!

tomorrow is week 29 and i'm 7 weeks away from baby time. this week has sucked. i have massive constipation and the only way i get relief is to literally dig it out with my finger (tmi i know, but what else can i do). i basically decided to hell with carbs, i'm eating raisin bran and fruit and pounding down as much fluid as i can take to get more regular. i hate being constipated. it rarely happens to me, and up until this point i was doing okay with it in my pregnancy. i think it was the combination iron pill/diet change that did it, not to mention 6 pounds of baby in me. it is so alien to me to not be able to go - i'm the girl who can go on command, plus there were days i would go 5 times a day. and big bms at that. today i tried hot water with lemon with my cereal to see if that helps. also used one of the boy's suppositories, left over from when he was potty training a few years ago. if that doesn't work i'm going to have hubby get me some colace. i'm at the end of my rope here. i hate not pooping.

had my 28 week checkup, everything looks good. my urine test this week showed good results so thankful my kidneys are functioning well. doc is pleased with my growth and the babies' development. talked about birthing plans, and i will have a c-section. 36 weeks is when twins are considered full term, but they'd let me go as far as 38 weeks (heaven forbid) and as early as 34 weeks (i guess prior to 34 weeks they'd send me to geisinger where they're more equip for preemies and have the nicu.) my goal is still 36 weeks and i'm trying to keep my eye on the prize despite my discomforts.

this blog has sort of become a virtual on line baby book for rolly and hiccup and i guess it's appropriate to include world events so i can remember what happened while i was pregnant. this month has sucked so far in that respect. there is a lot of turmoil in the middle east and north korea and elsewhere and i pray for some peace with those countries. i complain about how our country is run, but when i see people getting killed for voicing their opinions in iran, i am most grateful that i live in a country where i can have an opinion and not fear someone killing me.

our world lost several influential entertainers this week. ed mcmahon died this week. i guess it wasn't a surprise, he was pretty old and had many health issues. i was too young for the tonight show but i remembered him from star search and blooper shows.

farrah fawcett died from cancer yesterday. while this didn't surprise me either - she'd been suffering from cancer for some time now - but it's still shocking that someone so beautiful dies before their time. she was pretty young - 62 - my dad's age. i remember her from charlie's angels. i suppose i liked her becos of her blond hair (shame on me - i should have liked smart kate jackson instead). but i was pretty little, and i guess blondes attract for that reason.

the most shocking loss of all was the death of michael jackson. he lost a lot of my respect in recent years, becos of the molestation allegations and his bizarre appearance, but i always liked his music. i liked his earlier stuff, the stuff he did as a kid and a young man. i got thriller for my 10th birthday. i always thought it was a shame that he felt he had to change his appearance. he was a cute guy way back in the day. i hated his nose job(s). and he was whiter than me! i always wondered what the african american community thought of his quest to become a white person. it's sad to deny your true self. i hope he's at peace with himself now. i'm sure the last few years of his life weren't very happy.

i've followed the jon and kate plus 8 family for several months now, and i enjoyed watching their show and seeing how they dealt with 8 kids. with twins on the way, this interested me even more. i was sad to learn that they are getting a divorce after 10 years of marriage. i'm sure they had their reasons, and hopefully their lives will be for the better becos of the split, but i feel for the children, and the romantic in me hoped for reconciliation. who knows what will come their way.

my MIL is having her surgery today for the lump in her breast. i pray that it is confined and that no lymph nodes were affected. this has been pretty shattering for hubby and his family, and i pray to God that MIL will be okay, and that she will be cured.

a day shy of 27

this week has been really busy. on wednesday i had my glucose test and rhogam shot. surprise, surprise, guessy what? i have gestational diabetes! wasn't surprised about that dx. also have low iron, which i expected too.

i was referred to a maternal fetal specialist and saw him yesterday. got a full workup ultrasound - babies are developing normally and looked really good. got a glimpse of rolly's face (finally!) and a bit of hiccup's. they look like the boy when he was in utero. the specialist is there to make sure that the GD and HBP don't hurt the babies or me. next tuesday i see a dietician and a diabetes educator about my diet and bloodwork. since i have insulin resistance, i'm already on that road and kinda know what to do.

it sucks tho. i feel like this whole pregnancy has cheated me out of 9 months of happiness. i spend the first 20 weeks worrying about losing the babies, and spend the last few months not being able to breathe, eat or exercise. i'm so grateful for these babies, but what a cost to have them.

rolly weighs 2 lbs 12 oz, and hiccup weighs 2 lbs 6 oz. i roughly have 5 pounds of baby in me. no wonder my crotch hurts and my pelvis feels like someone bashed it in! i'm 27 weeks, but carrying like i'm 32-33 along.

my knickers are in a knot

today i was taking inventory of the clothes i have to last me for the next few months. i have 3 pairs of shorts, a pair of overalls (which will soon be outgrown), half a dozen pairs of black capris, and a couple pairs of navy, white and gray pants. shirts i'm doing okay on (so far). i have a few nighties to wear too. then i got to my panties. i have maybe a half dozen pairs of panties. i do wash a couple times a week, but still, do the math.

so i think, okay, time to do a run to big girl's clothing emporium where i usually buy my undies. i loathe to do it becos it's at the mall and i'm avoiding all points west becos of construction for the next couple of weeks. okay, i can order them online! i'm a genius! so i go to their online store, find the panties i want...and the biggest size i can get is my pre-preggo size. no biggy, i'll look at the panties at penney's online. they had some options, but the sizing was weird, and i didn't know if i was paying $18 for one pair or 3 pairs of pants.

so now i'm back to square one. and my knickers are in a knot.

suffocation

i got a total of 2 hours of sleep last night. woke up around 1:30 in the morning feeling like i was suffocating. the same thing happened a few weeks ago, but back then i blamed myself becos i'd eaten a huge hoagie the night before. not only did i not have a big meal last night, but maybe my sinuses were a bit stuffy too cos i didn't take my allergy meds the day before. i tried to not have another panic attack, watched tv, downloaded some solitaire games, tried to get sleepy again. but every time i'd fall asleep, i doze for 15 minutes then jerk awake. i can't imagine what it feels like for someone with a breathing disorder. this has been scaring the shit out of me. not being able to breathe or sleep for the next 10 weeks.

i caught up some this afternoon. maybe slept 2-3 hours. but i pray this doesn't happen every night. i don't know where else to sleep. can't sleep in bed (snore, can't breathe). can't sleep in the recliner (snore, apnea). i've been on the sofa since january and i sleep on my side, but i'm just so damn uncomfortable.

right now i'm 26 weeks. i have at least 10 more weeks of this. how am i going to make it? i was never this scared with the boy. this scares me worse than the threat of miscarriage. i barely eat, i hurt like hell, can barely breathe. i'm trying to stay positive but for days like this, it's really really hard.

why is everything pissing me off lately??

welcome to week 25, AKA viability. last week's belly check went well, with no major problems. i go back in (now) 3 weeks with another U/S. hopefully rolly will be more cooperative this time. and so far i've gained only 8 pounds.

this week i have been feeling rather prickly. i feel like every comment directed to me offends me. it's prolly hormones, it's prolly me just being weird, but it seems that every time i say something, someone has a smart ass comment back to me, and it's pissing me off.

to kick off this loverly topic, i'm pissed that people at church haven't really commented much on my pregnancy. oh, i get "how are you feeling this week" questions but they seem few and far between. i don't want to make it sound like i'm fishing for comments, but why did it seem when someone else was pregnant, i always asked how they were, and now that i'm pregnant, no one gives a shit? i'm not having a run of the mill pregnancy here - this pregnancy has been a little trickier than the boy's singleton one. i know i shouldn't let it get to me, and mom and dad said that they get quite a few questions about me, but why doesn't anyone say it to my face?

secondly, last night at SnB we had a new lady join us. she was already familiar with our group having seen us when she frequents the library, and she decided to join us. the pharmacy lady knew her from work and introduced us around and when she introduced me she commented that i was having twins. the new lady looks at me with shock and says "better you than me." while i was trying to pick my jaw up off the table, the pharmacy lady must have noticed my shocked look and added "diva didn't know she was having twins until the doctor told her, and then she argued with him about it!" i added yeah, i didn't believe it myself, but here i am, getting ready for 2 more kids! i felt like such an ass. this is the first backhanded twins comment i ever had. i get a lot of "congrats", "double the pleasure, double the fun!", some "i always wanted twins" (to this one i say "it's a little different than carrying a singleton, but it's been an adventure nevertheless") and my favorite, "you're going to have your hands full" (no shit? i just planned to let them beat on each other for entertainment.) even that last comment doesn't bug me as bad, since it has a grain of truth - yes, i'm going to have my hands full, yes i'm scared to death of having to care for 2 babies, but often after that comment i get a "i heard that twins are easier than singletons becos they have each other" and that seems to absolve the comment.

well, back to the comment. just when i finally got my head around having twins, just when i started to relax into my pregnancy, just when i started feeling like this pregnancy was actually becoming fun despite the pain and discomfort, the comment knocked me over and made me feel scared again. like, how dare i have twins. what am i, crazy to have 2 babies? i never asked for this. i never asked my ovaries to drop 2 eggs to get fertilized. i never asked to lose ani last year which put me in this place. i never asked God for this precious blessing. but the comment made me feel like shit, and it's been hard to shake ever since. i told hubby about it last night, and playing the devil's advocate, commented that maybe the lady regretted saying that once the words came out of her mouth. maybe she's the type of person that doesn't know how to censor herself. i'm trying really hard to give her mulligans on this one. she doesn't know i had losses. and lord knows i've eaten both feet up to the thigh with ignorant comments myself. but this one hurt and like i said, i'm trying really hard to let it go.

last night i took the stroller afghan to work on and as always people ask what everyone else is working on, and when it came to the afghan i showed them the pattern, talked about the yarn, i was really excited about the project. the new lady asked me if i was just making one and i said no, everything i make i have to make 2 of each so each baby has something. she gave me a funny look like i was crazy for making 2 of each project.

what the fuck am i supposed to do? be the mean bitch knitter mommy and make only one pair of booties, one blanket, one hat, and expect the babies to fight over them, or wear one bootie a piece? i am having a hard enough time just GETTING STARTED WITH KNITTING, i have no desire to knit right now, but i have to becos i have a lot of things i wanted to make the babies before they're born, and i'm pretty sure my knitting time will be severely limited once they arrive. i've already come to the realization that i won't be making fancy lacy sweaters for the babies. i'm grateful that i have some booties, hats, the baptismal blankets and now these stroller blankets. again, the comment just rubbed me wrong.

then i asked one lady if she had any chemo cap patterns for my MIL. she makes a lot of them and i figured she'd have a favorite to pass on to me and have good suggestions. as always, she was a fountain of knowledge and suggested different styles of hats and even steered me to certain yarns. i told her that i wanted to make something for my MIL, to help her get through this difficult time, but i was unsure what to do. she may or may not lose her hair, and she may or may not wear a cap, so i don't know if i should make one. i want to make her a prayer shawl, but i'm spending my knitting time making baby things i'm trying to figure out how to squeeze this in. i toyed with slippers, since i've heard that a patient's feet get cold during chemo treatment. so many options, i don't know what to do. the chemo cap lady suggested a shawl or the slippers were a good idea. the new lady suggested a prayer shawl and that if i wanted one she could get one for me becos she belongs to a PS ministry. i told her that i belonged to one too and she gave me a funny look, like i didn't know what i was talking about. i mean, if i'm going to give MIL a prayer shawl, it's coming from me. i realize the lady was prolly trying to be helpful, but again, RUBBED ME WRONG. pharmacy lady must have caught my discomfort again when she commented on the preemie caps i made for my church. bless pharmacy lady, for being on the defense of me last night.

and i have to learn to shut my fucking mouth on ravelry. on the KDO thread, some of us commented that there seemed to be fewer classes this year. i commented that maybe some classes were eliminated becos of lack of interest (i guess i should be grateful i didn't say "the xmas classes" becos they were the ones that were glaringly missing to me.). a coordinator of KDO later posts WITH MY POST that yes, there were fewer classes becos they were unable to get many teachers and volunteers, and why not next year i offer to teach a class or volunteer. i realize that she was prolly just commenting on my comment, but all i read was DUMB BITCH STOP COMPLAINING IF IT BOTHERS YOU SO MUCH WHY NOT HELP OUT. i swear i'm schizophrenic that way.

then the other comment i made was about my opinion on last night's jon and kate. i commented that kate getting a phone call on the elliptical trainer rubbed me wrong. another poster asked why it bothered me since there are far more inconvenient places to get a phone call. i don't know why it bothered me. it just did. call it crazy hormones. whatever.

anywas, i really need to learn to not take such comments to heart. i need to realize that NO ONE IS OUT TO GET ME. i realize i'm entitled to my opinion whether or not anyone likes it. i just gotta let it go and go one with my life. it's not worth it.

bored and crampy

it's memorial day, and i'm spending it laying on the sofa watching a vintage "land of the lost" marathon. i haven't felt well all day - really tired, cramping off and on.

this morning i moved the boy's clothes over to his new room and culled out the clothes he outgrew. it didn't take very long, and hubby helped move the drawers back and forth. but i lost a lot of steam doing that. also did some wash (hubby helped swap loads). ran to Kmart to get more bins and a shelf unit for the boy's new toy closet. saw mom and dad there too, mom was returning a shirt she got for the boy that was too big (mislabeled). she got the boy new sheets and towels for his new bed.

saturday hubby painted the spare room. the blue is actually pretty nice, cross between tiffany and robin's egg blue. it took him all day to strip the border, clean the walls, move the furniture and then paint. there's a lot of trim to go around, there are 5 doors, the window and the closet. hubby did a good job on the room, and the boy is excited to move in. next thing we'll do is get his toys moved over. little by little, it's happening.

i had a bad night friday night. i couldn't breathe and couldn't sleep. i'd fall asleep and then wake up unable to breathe. i actually had a panic attack from it. i ate a huge hoagie friday night, which was prolly the reason why i couldn't sleep. guess it's mini meals from now on! i had good sleep the last two nights, but i'm still having trouble sleeping. nature of the beast.

men's crotch injuries - a new POV

i think i know how men feel when they get hit in the crotch. the babies are doing an assault on my pelvis, and my pubic bone and hips feel like someone smashed them with steel toed boots. i can barely walk and sitting makes me want to cry. i don't know if YY are stacked one on top of the other or what, but damn do they hurt today. i hope they move and take the pressure off my pubic bone, becos tomorrow we're going to harrisburg to get the last of the baby supplies, and we were going to take the boy to the state museum. how can i walk if i'm in such pain? i love these babies, but this part of pregnancy really sucks.

holy shit, i'm huge!

i'm now 2 weeks away from viability. YY are moving around a lot more. it's comforting to feel them. as long as i feel them a couple times a day, i feel like i'm not at risk of losing them. i am craving cheese, chips and salsa, and white meat chicken salad like crazy. my tailbone feels like someone kicked it in, and my crotch feels like it's getting split into two. today i had to sit down in church becos i got lightheaded.

late last week i was getting ready for my bath, and happened to catch a glimpse of me in the mirror. holy shit, is my belly huge! i'm 22 weeks now, and i'm as big as i was at the boy's baby shower, which i think was 32 or 34 weeks. dear Lord, what am i going to look like when i actually get to 32 weeks?!! i also noticed that my legs have gotten bigger, and this morning my arms looked huge in my dress. this is the sad result of not being able to do power laps in the pool! i'm trying so hard to not let it get me down and let go of the vanity, but it's really really hard, especially since it took so long to work my way into the smaller jeans. i told mom that as soon as my exercise restriction is up after the babies are born, i am getting another swim pass and swimming a couple days a week, and wearing double pairs of spanx.

yesterday mom took me out to lunch at olive garden and to get a crib at tRu. in addition to that, we got a packNplay, 2 boppies, 2 boxes of bottles, a glow worm, a glow seahorse, and a musical crib "aquarium". i offered to pay for some of the stuff but she refused. my mom and dad are so good to us.

mom's day was good, but quiet. spent lunch with mom and dad, came home and watched whatever martha while the boys were upstairs watching star wars. i had the odd thought that had we not lost ani, she'd be 5 months now. but i think being pregnant has definitely softened to blow of my loss last year. i can't believe it's almost a year already. some days it feels like it was just yesterday, yet other days it feels like it was an eternity ago.

21 going on 28

i've now hit 21 weeks. YY are moving around a bit more, i'm constipated, and i crave foods that i shouldn't eat (like carnival fries and pie).

i'm more tired now. last week i ran to target and the grocery store, and the hour long jaunt made me really tired. the babies feel so heavy in my belly. it's weird having a belly balloon so quickly. with the boy, my belly grew gradually, and i didn't pop big until i was 7-8 months pregnant. in a way, this pregnancy feels cheated. i'm growing so quickly, my symptoms are much worse, and i just can't get comfortable anymore. and if i feel this lousy now, at 5 months, what am i going to feel like a few weeks from now, or in july, when the heat index is through the roof?

my 20 week checkup went well. the babies are 13 and 14 ounces respectively. when i looked up my week in my pregnancy book, the babies are weighing a few weeks ahead, like 22 weeks. this is astonishing, considering i have 2 babies crowding my belly. i thought they'd be smaller. we also had an ultrasound. baby a (on my left) was laying low, with "his" back towards the wand. we didn't get to see any features except the back (looks good) and the head. baby b (on my right) was laying higher up, and we got a good view of "her" profile. both babies are looking good, measuring well, and have strong hearts. i do not know what we are having, we don't want to know and want to be surprised when they are born. but my intuition says that baby a is a boy, and baby b is a girl. i hope i'm correct. i hope at least one of these babies is a boy. actually, they could both be boys and i'd be happy, since it would mean less shopping for clothes and toys and such. but, a part of me wishes for a girl, since i want to prove that i am capable of carrying a girl, since my miscarriages were (i think) girls.

it's funny, but i thought there'd be more fuss about the twins from people. i thought people at church would be "how are you, how are you feeling?", yada yada yada. no one really says anything. maybe it's becos i project myself as a highly private person (as i am in real life, except i'm sharing these thoughts with the world, funny as it seems). maybe people just don't care. whatever. i try no to take it to heart. but it hurts just the same. i've fussed over other people's pregnancies. i guess turnaround's not fair play.

i'm at a knitting impasse. i finished the second baby blanket. i have a bib to finish, gram's sock to finish, and the tree skirt to finish. i started a square for the glenn beck "we surround them" blanket. i should be knitting more baby things, but i don't know what to knit, and don't know how to start. oh, i know what to knit, have most of the supplies. but for some reason, i just can't.

week 19

this week is a little rough. i started a new brand of preggo pills, and they make me nauseous and tired. i miss my primacare. stupid mail order pharmacy.

i am so tired. i almost fell asleep grocery shopping. i don't understand why, since i did have breakfast (wheaties, so i could ease the constipation). maybe it's the weather. it's rainy and cold and i don't feel like doing much. i also got preggo brain at starbucks. i wanted some hot chocolate, but do you think i could remember what shot i wanted added to it (hint - i liked the salted caramel HC they featured last fall). at least i got whipped cream, which i wasn't expecting! they are doing away with their cup sleeves (you can still get one, but they are trying to green up). i guess this means i'll have to find my pattern for knitted cup sleeves! better still, remember to take my own cup along!

i'm more than half way through this pregnancy. it is going very fast (blessedly). i'll be happy to get to 20 weeks (next week) and 24 weeks. they seem to be my goals right now. i feel more squirming lately, but this morning yin and yang feel very heavy. i feel like i'm carrying a cantaloup in there.

on a good note, i got a little knitting mojo. i turned the corner on the second baby blanket, and started a bib. i figure, start small for quick results. so far it's working.

on a sad note, i send my condolences to kay of the mason dixon ladies, whose husband passed away this week. many thoughts and prayers are heading her and her family's way.

weird dream redux

more weird dreams. i should be glad that they're not weird baby dreams. but i don't know why i keep dreaming about people i went to school with years ago. monday night i dreamt about a guy i went to high school with. last night it was my best friend from college (i dreamt he was dead - really creepy). i wish i knew why my brain thinks up these people from my deep past, people i haven't thought about or spoken to in years.

the past 2 days haven't been kind to me healthwise. yesterday i had the sinus migraine from hell. today i was just nauseous and puked before i took the boy to school. every time i puke, it's wednesday. why that day? is it a crucial developmental day? i thought i'd be phasing out of the the sickness part of the first trimester, but apparently yin and yang have other plans. i've noticed lately that my heart pounds more. i notice it more when i'm napping or just sitting quietly. i want to ask my doctor about this and whether or not it's normal. i was checked years ago for racing heart, but it turned out my heart pounded becos i was feeling seriously stressed out about my job. i'm not really stressed out about this pregnancy - no more than usual - and i put myself on a self-imposed bedrest, basically spending my day either sitting in the recliner or laying on the sofa, reading books, knitting, watching tv. i nap tons. i eat when i'm hungry. i don't do a lot of activity - i do wash a couple days a week, light housework. i'm working really hard to keep my energy level low. my blood pressure has been really good - my sweet number has been 116/68. not bad.

on a good note, i'm feeling more mojo towards my knitting. i frogged a beret after finding another nice beret pattern. rewinding the yarn was a bitch, but i think this hat will be easier and look really cute. i got a baby knitting book and the patterns have really been energizing me. i'm going to make a pair of socks (or rather 2 pairs if i can help it) and some of the sweaters and blankets are really cute. i have so much knitting to do and i feel like i have a limited amount of time to do it.

it feels like a fish in there

i'm now 14 weeks. i've outgrown my pants except for my 2 pairs of church pants, which are getting pretty snug. i'm impressed i made it this far with them! i'd love to get one more week out of them.

our good news has been spreading and people are happy about it. a couple ladies told me when they found out they had tears in their eyes. i can't imagine our news making someone (other than family) cry! what's more astonishing is that there are people who STILL DON'T KNOW. mom told a lady yesterday who innocently asked how i was doing (she knew we were TTC) and when mom told her we were pregnant, she was dumbstruck! i suppose the fact that our news is slowly spreading is good. i know some churches where gossip is rampant. with the boy, the news got out before we wanted it out.

i still feel nauseous sometimes, and certain foods still turn me off. i'm still tired, but i've found that if i don't eat a lot of sugary crap, i feel a lot better (duh!). sometimes i'll feel a funny tickle in my tummy, and i've wondered if it's yin and yang moving around. i remember how the boy felt in my belly, but i didn't feel that until almost 20 weeks. however, in a twins book i got yesterday, there was note that sometime movement *is* felt as early as 12 weeks. i suppose it's becos there are 2 in there. it's a funny feeling. but it's a comforting one. i can't wait until they start moving a lot more, and even more so when the movement is actually seen.

yesterday we did reconnaisance to babies r us to price out strollers and odds and ends. i'm not too worried about getting a new car seat, i know what i want there (any color that either a boy or girl could use, therefore no pink!). priced out bottles and diapers. mom and dad are getting the second crib but i don't want to get that for a while yet. my biggest worry is getting a stroller. there is a limited variety of twin strollers, and they are expensive, and the thing has to last at least 5 years. the stroller i wanted, the kolcraft contour, was very nice, but VERY HEAVY and actually very hard to control. it reminded me of the kiddy grocery cart at the grocery store (i LOATHE THAT CART). the graco duo glide was just as cumbersome. there was a lighter weight graco tandem that didn't seem so bad but i think it was hard to collapse then open up. there was a combi sport that i really liked, in really cute colors (charcoal and lime green, safe for either or) and it seemed pretty easy to handle. i've come to resolve that we'll get a side by side stroller instead of a tandem. hubby then found another stroller on line by earth baby (?) that looked similar to the combi but was 50 bucks more. i think it had more room, more storage, and looked pretty easy to collapse and open. there's a store below baltimore that sells them, so we'll test drive it. i don't want to buy a stroller without knowing how to collapse it or steer it. the only con with the side by sides is they don't have trays for the babies to put cereal or bottles on. i guess we'll figure out what to do about that when the time comes.

i think i'm slowly coming out of my knitting drought. yesterday at borders i bought several knitting magazines and books. one was a loom book, one was knitting for baby, one was knitting for good. i also found 2 books about twins that looked pretty interesting and informative. i spent a boatload on those books and magazines, but i figure it will be a long time i'll ever be able to do it again.

week 11

nearly into my 12th week. this week went pretty smoothly. i think my tummy is growing as it looks a little rounder, and my elephant pooch is filling out. i don't feel as nauseous or as tired but i do get sleepy in the afternoon and nap still.

my appetite is still hit or miss. some days i'm ravenous. other days just watching food on tv make me sick. my boobs still twinge a bit and hubby commented on the shape of my nips. apparently they become conical while pregnant. who knew! my tummy feels crampy at times and i hope it's becos my uterus is growing.

i feel bittersweet. this is the last weekend my boy will know he's an only child. we will tell him our news on monday, so we'll have him prepared my my checkup next week. from different conversations i've had with him, i think he'll be receptive of having 2 younger siblings.

i sometimes feel guilty having these babies. i feel guilty that the boy will no longer be an only child. i know this is crap since we are bettering his life by adding to our family. maybe it's my only child feelings clouding my thoughts. but i could bawl thinking about sharing my time between 3 children and less time with my boy.

i feel so bad thinking this. i've wanted another child for so long and am so ashamed to think this. i'm so afraid that this thinking will do something to the babies and i will lose them.

i'm so glad that i'm nearly out of the first trimester. this has been the longest 4 weeks of my life.

dream a scary dream with me

i know hormones make weird dreams especially scary baby dreams but this dream takes it. it's the first time i had a true nightmare.

the other night i dreamt that i was driving through kreamer. i heard sirens and was preparing to pull over for an ambulance or fire truck when i heard someone say i had to pull over becos i couldn't be on the road. so i pulled off onto a side street and parked where i knew i could just pull out. i saw these yellow trucks that said "civil air defense" and saw a crowd of people in front of wood-mode.

i got out of my car and was trying to call my mom but found my phone only had 2 bars (as usual). somehow hubby and his dad were there too. i found a message on my phone from mom (the message said "your mom thought santa arrived when she got your call!") when i called her back i told her to turn tv on cos something weird was going on. she said that there was a terror alert. i then saw these missles and vapor trails and told mom "i see missles!" and she started to cry, saying "i just want a second chance" (at what? i have no idea). lily chin was also there (i have no idear why lily chin was in kreamer) but she was crying and i was trying to comfort her. i kept telling my mom "i love you, call nany and dad and tell them i love them too" and i'm bawling and then i woke up.

i was so freaked out i turned tv on to see if there were no emergencies (none noted). i got a drink of water and went to the bathroom. i was so freaked out i went upstairs. i cried and hubby comforted me. even the boy heard my crying, he was worried about me. poor boy - he's used to having bad dreams and us comforting him. i think it was weird for him to see mommy having a bad dream and needing comforting.

hubby thought the dream meant that there was going to be a life-changing event (duh, name them...baby, twins, buying a new van) in my life. maybe so, but the dream didn't have to be so realistic.

last night's dream was weird but not scary. i dreamt that mom, dad and i went to london and we were in a store. we had gotten food and dad had this scalloped potato dish and i kept saying "these are the best potatoes i've ever had!" i was also buying erasers, mini highlighter pens and a pack of snoopy playing cards "so we could play card games back at the hotel room."

then i dreamt i was back in my old childhood house (it must be february - i always have my old house dreams in february). i dreamt that someone took our mail and ripped it up. my aunt and cousin were helping to pick up the pieces and my cousin found a card with money in it - why didn't they take the money? the hoods that ripped up our mail then came back to laugh at us (the head hooligan looked just like drew carey). i yelled at him and picked up a bamboo knitting needle and stabbed him in the stomach. then i called the police to tell them that someone ripped up my mail and that i caught the guys who did it, and i stabbed the one guy with a needle. then i woke up.


i've always been a lucid dreamer. it's astonishing how i can remember the smallest details of some dreams. the boy takes after me with dreams - he's pretty lucid. hubby says he hardly dreams and when he does they are usually snapshots.

i always have reoccuring dreams either about school or work. at work, i'm getting yelled out. if it's a school dream, it's usually about the last day of school, it's my math final, and i haven't been to class all year and i worry about how i'm going to have a good grade when i haven't attended class. or my locker is messy/lost/can't remember my combination and i'm late for the bus.

i also have reoccuring dreams about my old house. usually it's finding another room that i never knew existed (usually in the attic). or i find a passage in my closet that takes me to rooms or things i never knew existed, or else held things i had when i was little.

weird ass dreams.

when i was younger i used to dream that my mother was having a baby. i used to get angry in these dreams, usually when i was older. i got these dreams around my birthday time. once my birthday passed the dreams did too until my next birthday. i think these dreams are an only-child phenomena. i talked to other onlies about this dream and i wasn't alone. when i considered grad school i considered analyzing these dreams for a thesis but there was no way i could quantify them. i'm sure there's some psychological idea behind them. i haven't had a mom and baby dream in years.

i love dreams - trying to figure them out, wondering why my brain thought them up. dreams are amazing.

week 10

i'm almost done with my first trimester. had my second puke today. i wonder if this will be an every week occurence.

this time around, i seem to have more aversions than cravings. meat makes me sick so i've been eating lots of produce. i think i've eaten more pasta over the past month than i have during the past year. but not just any pasta, no tomato sauce, no meat. veggie lasagna sounds good. i made sushi but i don't know if i'll eat it cos it looks pretty pathetic. i pick at my starbursts, and eat maybe a soft pretzel a day. no eggs. lemonade sits in my fridge now. gram's macaroni salad was so yummy this week.

i'm not as tired, and my boobs don't hurt as bad. but i puke and have some nausea, so that's good for me.

my mom has been gung ho on buying things for the babies. we went to a kid's shop monday that was having sale, and while we did get things for the boy, we got some things for the babies. 2 little matching noah's ark outfits (i don't plan on dressing them the same but the outfits were really cute, so once in a while will be okay). 2 little outfits that don't look alike but the colors coordinate. 2 cute outfits with puppies on them, with one coming with a blanket and cap. it's hard to buy for little ones when we don't know what we're having but the outfits can go either way. mom also bought a dust ruffle for the second crib and thankfully held off on a lamp, since i found my mom's night light when she was a baby. she also bought sage green sheets. in a blue and yellow room, they are going to look like hell. we have plenty of sheets but will need the mattress pads (one is currently on the boy's bed, used as a puke guard instead of a pee guard). we have so much already. can't go overboard now.

we are looking for a new van. we hadn't planned to buy a new vehicle but with 2 on the way there's no way they will fit in our small cars, along with our growing boy. both of our cars are old, my car is 13 years old, hubby's is 12. it's the first car i bought and altho it's mangy looking it has served me well. hopefully next week we'll buy the van we've been eyeing, hoping to catch some break.

shopaholic gets frugal

i've been reading the shopaholic books and they are a hoot! i'm not as bad as she is...well, maybe not. i do have a lot of yarn. ;)

i was frugal today cos i got tomato sauce, rigatoni and garlic bread on sale with coupons today at the store. i prolly spent only 3 bucks on the whole meal. we'll get at least 4-6 servings out of it. the boy and i also made biscuit pizzas for lunch. he learned that in cooking at school and really enjoyed it. you take a can of pillsbury biscuits (i got whole wheat, won't get them again, too grainy), pizza or spaghetti sauce and shredded cheese. put the biscuits on a baking sheet, smashing them down a bit to make them flatter. spread sauce, then sprinkle cheese on them. bake at 350 or whatever the biscuit can says, for 12 minutes. they tasted pretty good! of course the boy ate his with mostly cheese and maybe a speck of sauce. no wonder he ate his pizza at school if it had no sauce on it. he's strictly a white pizza kid.

i also went to michael's which just opened up this weekend. the people in there, they acted like they were never in a craft store before! hadn't planned on getting anything, but i had a coupon for half off something so i got the boy a phoenix for valentine's day with the coupon. got some easter things for the boy's easter basket for a buck a piece. the knitting section SUCKS. i did get 6 skeins of ice blue bernat angora blend yarn to make a baby blanket. so much for not getting anything.

also ran to target, got 2 new shirts and a bathing suit. the suit and one of the shirts goes back tomorrow since the suit's top was tight, and the shirt fit weird at the top. i get $40 bucks back, so i won't complain. i still should find a bathing suit. i'm not sure if any of my other suits will fit me this summer (they're tankinis, but lord knows how big i'm going to get, and i'm not one who likes to show off a naked bump.) and i can't guarantee i can get a suit this summer.

oh yeah, i puked for the first time this morning. i was worrying becos yesterday i wasn't as nauseous, i'm not as tired and my boobs haven't been hurting as bad. thank goodness my body has a way of telling me i'm still knocked up!

9 1/2 weeks

currently in the middle of 9 weeks. still feel nauseous, tired. boobs alternate between huge and sore and small and twingey. if i go to 36 weeks, i'm a quarter of the way through with this pregnancy.

i'm trying to get my knitting mojo back. i started another moebius scarf, this one for the library auction this spring. they asked if our group would make something for the auction. since we only have 6 weeks to get something done, we decided to make things individually. at first i didn't know what to knit. everyone else had good ideas - felted purses, knitted candle holders. then it hit me - i can make my moebius scarf since i'm the moebius queen! i started my scarf last night, first with size 13 needles in garter stitch but it was so loose. i frogged and made it a 4x4 basketweave stitch on a size 11 needle (which i fixed first, damn KP convertibles broke last night, BOTH of them). i'm feeling good right now with the knitting.