you are my sunshine

last year three irish girls offered a special limited edition colorway, glimpse, in memory of charlie, the baby a fellow ravelry member lost in pregnancy.  this year 3IG is offering a new colorway with a portion of all sales of this colorway going to SHARE.

introducing...you are my sunshine


image courtesy of threeirishgirls.com


you are my sunshine is described as ...symbolizing the storm of emotions felt by families impacted by the loss of a baby...with deep greys, violets, greens and browns chased with glimpses of sunshine and the return of bluer skies..."  this colorway will be dyed to order with the yarn base of your choice, and the last day to order will be march 15th.

3IG donated $2500 from the sales of glimpse last year, and i pray that even more will be donated this year.  i did my duty and ordered enough for a shawl (hopefully another faraway, so close), and then some.  i ordered only one skein of glimpse last year and i wished i'd ordered more.

i lost two pregnancies during my journey to motherhood and i am touched that 3IG created another special colorway again.  i'm hoping this will be annual tradition.  it's a wonderful way to show support and also spread the message about pregnancy loss.  

Baby triggers

you would think that with toddler twins and almost four years separating my pregnancy loss, that baby triggers would be a thing of the past.  alas, i must harbor some bitterness still.

american horror story, parenthood and now good luck charlie.  why must television shows feature women of a certain age getting pregnant so easily?  let's parse this out (and beware of SPOILERS)...

on parenthood, a main character announces her pregnancy the same day her husband gets sacked at work.    oops!  (yes, i realize this was a plot in the original movie).  at least the infertility/subsequent adoption storyline of another character on the show seemed plausible.

on american horror story, a character has a stillbirth, then gets pregnant not only by her husband but by rape by the rubber man!  "twins" by two different "men"!  (and let's not forget the subplot of another character who accidentally gets pregnant, goes for an abortion then cancels the procedure.)

the boy and i watched the holiday special of good luck charlie, which was very nice, except at the end, when the mom announces she's pregnant AGAIN.  maybe the actress is pregnant in real life and they're building it into the storyline, but my guess is that they're adding a different dynamic to the show, making charlie the big sister instead of the baby.

i hate when television shows make getting pregnant look so easy, especially when it's a woman my age (and i surmise, in the case of parenthood and AHR, older).  it shouldn't bug me, but they did give that punch to the gut.


lastly (and i feel bad admitting this), michelle duggar has always been a trigger for me.  she had a baby (#18) born around the time of ani's EDD, then got pregnant right over with #19 (and we know the struggle the family had with that pregnancy and birth).  when i found out she was pregnant with #20, i felt resentful.  i remember thinking this woman had complications with the previous pregnancy.  why would you risk your life and your newborn child's just to have another baby?  maybe #19 was God's way of saying stop?  then michelle lost the baby, and i felt horrible.  i don't wish pregnancy loss on anyone.  (sorry, judgey mcjudgypants).

ah, that was cathartic.

seeing double

the other week, we piled into the car for a drive to check out the damage our area sustained from the floods.  walking into the garage, i saw two monarch butterflies, dancing with each other.  ordinary butterflies a person would see.  but i saw ani and mac, no doubt sending us on our way.

on the kiddos' birthday, we had a double rainbow.  well, hubby saw most of it.  i saw the tail end before it melted away.  i can't help but think that my two angel babies were sending greetings to their brother and sister on their special day.

the boy and the kiddos keep me so busy that i don't think about ani as much as i did.  but i know that she and mac are here.  like the butterflies and the double rainbow, they remind me.  and they are not forgotten.

replacing the bad with good

hubby and i took a few days off to go see our favorite celtic band play at celtic fling.  they played the friday night concert and we stayed over and went home the next day.  this year we took an extra day and left on thursday becos we wanted to visit some new restaurants and there were stores i wanted to visit.

on our way to the mall, we passed the hospital where, three years ago, we lost ani.  we were on vacation with my folks.  after spending a day with the boy at dutch wonderland, i began to miscarry after a week of spotting.  i spent that vacation numb, sad, angry and fearful.  i couldn't cry or grieve - we didn't want the boy to know about the loss, and i was embarrassed to express my feelings in front of my family.  i numbed the pain with retail therapy - a glass ball lamp from the restoration hardware outlet store, and copious amounts of yarn from various yarn shops in the lancaster and gettysburg.  it was definitely the saddest vacation ever.

a month after the miscarriage, hubby and i spent a saturday at celtic fling.  we visited the renaissance fair other years but never for celtic fling.  it was a scorching day we visited, and i was sick with tummy troubles. there was so much food around but all i could muster was a fruit cup and a hot pretzel.  we wandered from band to band, and discovered enter the haggis.  they shared a stage with scythian.  we saw albannach, another band we discovered a couple years earlier and loved.  we left early becos i wasn't feeling well and it was so bloody hot.

we missed fling 2 years ago becos i was 6 months pregnant with the kiddos and knew that walking around in the heat with sore pelvis would not be fun.  it was the only time we missed an opportunity to see haggis, and while i was disappointed, the reason for missing the band was a good one.

we went to fling last year and had a great time.  we only went for the day, stayed over at a hotel and came home the next day becos the kiddos were still pretty little.

we got our tickets early this year and made hotel reservations early too, a good thing since the hotel was booked up.  after eating lunch at shady maple we went to our hotel to wind down and use the jacuzzi in our room (yep, we got the jacuzzi suite.  loved it).

we left to go to the mall and supper at taj mahal.  as we drove to the mall, we passed the hospital where it  was confirmed we lost ani.  as i saw the looming building i froze and felt panic welling up.  i wanted to cry.  i swallowed the feeling and tried to concentrate on my task - sephora, coldwater creek, and williams sonoma.  and supper.  i was hungry and it was months since i'd had good indian food.

after shopping we drove to the restaurant, which meant driving past the hospital again.  this time, i thought about all the good things that happened since then.  i lost ani, but we had freddie and petunia.  my kids were healthy and happy.  the boy was growing up to be a great young man.  hubby still had his job and we were doing okay.  i reflected on this as we passed the hospital.  the blessings definitely outweighed the bittersweet.

after supper we drove back to the hotel and settled in for the night.  the next day we ran more errands and ate at a terrific ethiopian restaurant - a first for us.  after spending more time in the jacuzzi hanging out in the hotel we headed to fling.  we noshed, we listened to the bands, and i felt the sadness melt away.

i told hubby how i felt when we drove past the hospital.  hubby said he felt the same way when we passed the amusement park earlier that day, when he saw the happy families in the boats near the highway.  we reminded each other that this trip was a good one, and i said i was working hard on trying to replace the bad memories with good ones.

instead of buying yarn (no yarn shop visits, can you believe that?!) i bought the kiddos pajamas and shoes.  i bought the boy a stuffed doxie at build a bear, and a bellhop's bell at shady maple.  i got hubby pants and shirts and a pair of shoes at the outlets.  and i got a new purse (the first one in a few years), a pair of wallabees, crocs and new jeans, tops and a cute church dress becos i'd been wearing the same tops and pants since i was pregnant, and they were in sorry shape.

instead of a lamp i got a cookie press and some spices at williams sonoma.  i got new eye and face cream by benefit at sephora, becos they were in pretty bottles.

hubby and i walked around center city in search of a british grocery store i'd found online (we never found it - it must have gone out of business).  but we found a cute candy shop, a bead store, and heirloom cherry tomatoes at central market.  another good memory made.

driving home, we stopped at chocolate world in hershey.  i wanted rally bars that i'd picked up during that last fated trip.  they didn't have them, but i got hershey bars...and kitkats...and reese's peanut butter cups... hubby and i rode the "how we make chocolate" ride.  another good memory.

we came home to find petunia stirring in mom's arms, and the boy holding a sleeping freddie.  petunia giggled when she saw us, and freddie cried becos we woke him up.  it was good to see them.  it was good to be away for a few days, but it was good to be home with my kids.

hubby and i had a great few days together, and wonderful new memories.


one last note.  the road that ran past the hospital was called good road.  i'm sure at the time, it wasn't good for us, but who knew that 3 years later, our life would be so good?  

a mine field of a different sort

this post was written a few days ago, during blogger's breakdown.  there were a few lovely comments written that unfortunately were eaten by the breakdown.  to karen and fugzilla, i thank you! :)


i recently attended my cousin's baby shower.  this is the cousin for whom i've been knitting away, with little caps, the baby sweater, and the log cabin blanket.  unfortunately, the blanket was still far away from completion, but i was glad that i had my other goodies to give her.

i'd been feeling apprehensive about this shower.  i'm sure you're aware of my losses and struggles to conceive my children.  showers are a bit of a mine field for me.  i attended a shower after my first loss, for hubby's bf and girlfriend.  i wanted to climb the walls at the shower, then spent the drive home sobbing becos of our loss and struggle TTC.  my family attending the shower seemingly have no trouble getting pregnant.  lots of "oopsies".  my cousin and i unfortunately didn't fall into that category.

when i was pregnant with the twins and told that side that we were expecting, we'd learned that **3** of my second cousins were expecting (all oopsies) at the same time.  one cousin was in jail/probation/somewhere entangled in the law.  another cousin didn't know who the father was (!!!).  the other cousin was okay (he's not a blood relative.  that explains it all).  i'd been anticipating being the lone preggo in my family, and i'll admit that it hurt that i wasn't.  one cousin had his baby a few weeks before the kiddos and gave the child a name that made names from lord of the rings very simple and plain (i googled.  they don't exist).  that child is under the custody of the (maternal) grandmother.  the normal cousin had his baby (can't recall the name, but it was probably a simple/trendy type name).  my other cousin gave birth a couple weeks after the kiddos.  she no longer has custody of her baby either.  

(yes.  now you know why i'm sensitive.  judgmental maybe.  *sigh*  it is what it is.)

so anyway, i found out that the party was a hen shower, no guys.  this freaked me out, becos i anticipated going to the shower, dropping off the gift, socialize a little then leave.  so my mom, my grams and i toted the kiddos along with a case of huggies, a case of huggies wipes, and my little gift bag of goodies.  (the boy stayed home with my dad.  i didn't want to deal with his shenanigans if i was going to have a nervous breakdown.)

the shower was at a church.  we were relegated to a center table with my cousin's hubby's aunt, neighbor and godmother.  the gifts were piled in a corner, unwrapped. (yes, at my cousin's request, so she didn't have to spend time unwrapping them and more time socializing.  is this a new thing?)

another cousin was there with her 4 day old baby (oopsie).  i felt the panic welling. the kiddos were restless (they missed their morning nap) and grams offered to take them for a walk.  when she returned the kids had fallen asleep but petunia jarred awake.  my aunt and uncle showed me the nursery where other little cousins were hanging out.  when my uncle introduced petunia to my cousins one said (spoken with a snotty valley girl inflection): "petunia?  we didn't know there was a petunia in the family".  i guess my cousin neglected to share the birth announcements and christmas cards with the rest of the family.  the little cousin younger than the kiddos was there, and she clung to my aunt's legs and was very withdrawn.  it's so hard to think that a pair of cousins the same age are so different.  i wound up pulling petunia out of the nursery when i discovered that the big cousins were paying more attention to the chalk board than my kid.

there were lots of goodies to nosh on but i had no appetite (between the pizza we had for lunch and nerves).  i had the most delish hull-less popcorn drizzled with white chocolate - perfect marriage of sweet and salty!   i picked at veggies and pickles and drank tons of water.  

my cousin showed off her gifts - mostly things from their bRu registry, but there were a few home made gifts.  she received a couple of quilts, including one with the most beautiful cross-stitch of the good night prayer.  she received a few knitted or crocheted blankets.  i thought one blanket was a nursing shawl but i think it was a baby blanket becos it was holey.  my cousin liked the hats and the sweater - i was pleased to see no one else made her a sweater.  the others aww'd over them too (can't beat handmade!)  i think she also liked the cloth curious george book (from the boy) and sophie the giraffe (from the kiddos).  i also threw in the organic rubber teething rings i'd gotten for the kiddos -i'd squirreled away and when they resurfaced they were too old to use them.  

i didn't get to talk to my cousin much - she was busy chatting with her work friends and other family.  my cousin from "the office" city stopped by to coo over the sweater i'd made and suggested that if i made things like that they would sell out in no time flat in her town.  considering i'm having enough trouble maintaining mojo for the blanket and my shawls and my socks, i don't see this happening. (altho i found an awesome yarn shop up there - i would love to visit it some day!)

2 hours of games, food and chatting with the lovely ladies at our table (the new dad's godmother was the one who made the lacy blanket - i enjoyed talking yarn shop with her!) and we were home.  most importantly, i survived.  

outside of my SIL, when she gets pregnant, i think my baby shower days are blissfully in the past.  i think i'll have an easier time with her shower.  hubby's side of the family is familiar with pregnancy loss and difficulties conceiving.  i guess difficulty loves company.  

and the baby blanket?  i think i'm 6 strips away from finishing it.  

here's hoping i complete it before the baby's born!

a glimpse of heaven

i found this on the porch:



opened it up and this was in the pouch:



currently kicking myself becos i cheaped out and bought only one skein.  i should have bought 2.  one to knit with, one to keep wrapped up:



yeah, it was worth the wait.

glimpse - beautiful yarn for a beautiful cause

image courtesy of yarnista.com

sharon of three irish girls designed this beautiful colorwave in honor of a longtime customer who recently lost her baby boy to severe health issues.  shelley, whose beloved son charlie passed on in january, is a member of a ravelry group i frequent, HAPL.

in conjunction with HAPL's third anniversary this winter, "glimpse" goes on sale today, and the colorwave will be available until the end of february.  portions of sales of "glimpse" will be donated to share, a national charity that supports families touched by pregnancy and infant loss.

"glimpse" is described as ..."a pewter colored base with maybe some bright flecks of some or all of the following "brighter colors" - apple green, turquoise, blue, yellow, orange, even some funky purple or something?  That way it is gender neutral but also not so overwhelmingly "baby" colors either.  Sort of the idea of light after loss...darkness with a bit of color shining through...whatever that means - hope, peace, future, memories, etc"...  amy, another member of HAPL, helped sharon with choosing the colors in this colorwave.


"glimpse" is available in several yarns, and sharon will dye skeins to order.

as a woman touched by pregnancy loss, this is a wonderful tribute to our babies.  

auld lang syne

tomorrow i start my new PSOTMC for 2010.  today i chose the bag containing the yarn for january at random:




opened it up and found this:



it's noro kureyon sock, purchased at labadie looms in bird in hand, over two and a half years ago.  this yarn is part of my "ani" stash, a chunk of stash i bought in lancaster after i lost ani.  i remember the day i bought it - numb, sad, empty, raw.  the store was rustic.  there were spinning wheels and fleece.  the yarn reminded me of bright easter eggs.  i paid no regard to the price - i just wanted to dull my pain, and yarn was my drug of choice at the time (still is).


i find it ironic, or maybe it's kismet or serendipity, that i chose this yarn for january.  perhaps, it picked me.  ani's EDD was new year's day 2009, so it's fitting that this yarn got picked.  i nearly forgot ani's EDD.

i have a feeling that ani is a bit like her little sister - a snark.  that's why she picked this yarn for me, as a way of saying "don't forget me mommy!  i'm still in your heart always!"  i feel badly that i nearly forgot her EDD, but i'm finding that her loss feels more like a dim sad memory than the sharp pain i felt two years ago at this time.  i guess having three active living children will do that.  ani, you are sadly remembered, but never forgotten.


now to find the pattern to go with the yarn...perhaps, baby girl in heaven, you can help me with that too?

the silver lining - NaBloPoMo

What's a bad thing that happened to you that ended up turning into something good?


i had two bad things happen to me that in the long run were good.




in 2002 i had a chemical pregnancy.  i was a week late, but my pee tests would be negative.  i went to the doctor for blood work, becos never in my life was i a week late for my period.  that afternoon at work i started bleeding, thinking my period started, but it was heavy and painful.  i called my doctor to get my test results, and was congratulated that i was pregnant.  i stuttered "uh, i'm bleeding..." and the nurse told me to call my gyn.  the next day the dildocam showed that i was no longer pregnant.  my beta was really low - 67 - and my doctor apologized, and gave me the dreaded..."it was a chemical pregnancy...but it shows that you can get pregnant."  that's cold comfort.  it was all saint's day.  how appropriate that my baby died on all saints day. 


we decided to wait until january to try again.  i think the boy was a super bowl baby.  a month later i got my positive pee test.




five years later we tried again for a second baby.  we were chagrined to find ourselves pregnant on the first month of trying.  our joy turned to sorrow as by month's end, my baby, who i called ani, died.  i was 8 weeks along, but really wanted that pregnancy.


it took months of trying to get pregnant.  we got lucky on our last try.  our last month was december.   the first week of january i got my BFP, and 2 weeks later, learned that we were having twins.




my miscarriages were the saddest periods of my life.  but had it not been for losing mackenzie and ani, i would not have the boy, freddie beans and petunia.  

a different kind of mourning

When hubby and i were planning our family, our original plans were at least one child, hopefully 2.  we were blessed with the boy and nearly 6 years later were surprised with twins.

my previous losses fueled my fear of carrying the pregnancy to term, and carrying twins was way different than carrying a singleton.  so while the doctor was elbow deep in my lady bits after petunia was born, the hen house was officially closed.

it's a year later and now several of my baby bump buddies are either pregnant again, TTC or making plans to TTC.  i am obviously happy for my friends, many of whom have also experienced pregnancy loss.

i can't help but feel a bit envious and somewhat sad that my own childbearing experience is over.  i shouldn't tho.  i made this choice, to have a tubal ligation.  from a practicality standpoint, 3 children are a handful and a challenge.  financially, it's tough.  i'm 36, still sussing out my medical issues.  another pregnancy is not an appropriate option for me.  and from someone who grew up an only, having a large family (of 5) is a bit overwhelming to me.  i love my children.  i couldn't imagine having one more or one less.  our family is now perfect, and complete.

i'm trying to pinpoint why exactly i feel this way.  my twins pregnancy was not a "normal" pregnancy, and i know at the time i felt somewhat resentful that my pregnancy was different.  coupled with fear of being unable to carry to term, i felt like i lost out on a good pregnancy experience.  obviously the outcome was great - the kiddos are active and thriving - but i suppose my expectations were a sort of loss.

i'm sure my losses are not helping my feelings.  i wonder if i would have felt more comfortable (!!!) with my twins pregnancy had i not had it hanging over my head.  perhaps it has nothing to do with my mourning.

one day, my melancholy will get the best of me.  i will hear another "BFP!" announcement, and it will make me feel so sad for myself that i will finally allow myself to cry.  and i should.  my baby days are over.  i think it's normal to mourn the loss of your fertility (whether by nature or by choice).  but i have so much to look forward to.  the boy, who's birthday is this week, is such a sweet, smart, funny guy.  i am so proud of him.  petunia is a spitfire, toddling all over, getting into things.  and freddie is the still water that runs deep - observant, quiet, analytical.  i am so enjoying watching my children grow up and become individuals.  i don't need another child for that.

no judgement in the grey area

this blog was shared on HAPL this week.  a father shared his thoughts and feelings on the loss of his unborn child.  the child had a rare physical defect (the legs were fused together, aka "the mermaid syndrome", in addition to lacking many integral organs) and the couple made the painful decision to terminate the pregnancy.  the man shared several posts about this decision, including one where he described the harassment he and his wife endured as they went to the medical clinic for the procedure.  right to life activists, who were picketing near the clinic, harangued them for "the choice they were making".

i am horrified that this couple, who were already facing the painful reality that they were losing their unborn child.  i am sorry that they had to endure this.  as a Christian, i am ashamed that people who claim they are Christian treat others so horribly for a choice that may or may not be of a woman's choosing.

my thoughts on abortion have changed greatly over the past 20 years.  as a teenager, i only saw the black/white "abortion is murder" aspect.  i remember a debate in a class in high school, where we were to debate whether or not abortion should be illegal.  in a class of 20 odd kids, there were maybe 5 of us (all girls) on the pro-life side, and the rest of the class (including all the boys) were on the pro-choice side.   during the last month of our senior year, my BFF told me she was pregnant, and when i told my mom (at work), one of her student workers turned to me, stunned, and asked "is she going to keep it?" the girl was from an urban area, and apparently in her world, school girls who got in trouble quietly got out of trouble.  me, living in a rural area, saw school girls marry their boyfriends when they accidentally got pregnant.  it did not occur to me, back then, that abortion was an option in our area.

in college and beyond, when i was searching for mr. hubby, my attitude changed.  what would i do if the condom broke, or i threw up my pill?  could i handle a baby?  could i give it up for adoption?  could i have an abortion?  abortions were for bad girls.  i wasn't a bad girl.  this was a hard decision to think about.  i had school, and eventually a job.  thankfully i never had to make this decision, becos i married the man i...

flash forward to our family planning years, and we had a chemical pregnancy, then the boy, then the miscarriage years later, then the twins.  i was fortunate that my losses occurred "naturally" and that i did not require medical intervention for disposing of the failed pregnancies (i am cringing as i write this.  i hate that sentence.  i hate these words).   however many women require surgery for pregnancy loss.  and we know what that procedure is.

now i see abortion as a grey grey area.  i see its place in the medical establishment.  it's a choice that no woman experiencing a pregnancy loss wants to choose, but it's there, and we need to support that.  no woman should ever feel ashamed that she required medical intervention for a pregnancy loss.  doctors will argue that it is merely a "surgical procedure" like getting tonsils or an appendix removed.  but in pregnancy loss, the procedure signals broken dreams;  the loss of the tiny soul that was so desired, loved so deeply, and not just tissue and blood "product".  that "product" (another word i loathe) was a baby, and should be given respect.

while i do not advocate abortion as birth control (hello, there are a gazillion forms of birth control out there), i am glad that it is an option for women.  who am i to judge what a woman does with her own body or pregnancy?  that decision is between her and God (and the baby's father, if applicable).

and my thoughts for the pro life advocates:  you are entitled to your opinion.  that's your choice.  but be aware that not all procedures are for unintended pregnancy.  screaming at a woman who is already enduring hell becos she is losing her child, does not help.  have an open mind, and like the blogger said, put your energy into promoting programs for preventing unwanted pregnancy, before the need for the procedure is necessary.  if you were the Christian you claim to be, you would be supportive and understanding instead of hateful and judgmental.

you're special every day HAPL swap

one of the members of HAPL organized a "you're special everyday" swap.  bless you, sparkles, for popping back into our group when we needed it the most.

i haven't done a swap in a while.  probably a good year and a half.  i thought it would be fun to participate.  we answered a questionnaire of what kind of yarn we liked, our favorite way to pamper ourselves, etc.  a secret swap buddy was assigned and we were to make up a "care package" of goodies for our buddy.  we had about a week to send it to our buddy in time for mother's day.  i had so much fun picking yarn and goodies for my swap buddy.  yarn, chocolate, stitch markers, a little something that represented where i lived.

the "homemade" portion of my giftie:

look at all this fiber goodness!

can you believe this?  noro yarn, on sale.  i got 2 skeins for less than what one skein costs.  unbelievable.

all wrapped up and ready to go.  i had to find a bigger box.  i planned on using the cheez-its box, but there was no way i could get all that knitty goodness in it without squashing it.

i planned on wrapping the package with some martha stewart twine, a'la "brown paper packages tied up with string", but i worried that the string would get caught in a machine and the package would get damaged or lost during transit, so i chose to just doodle on it instead:

mailed out monday.  my buddy should receive it within a day or two.  she has been having an especially difficult time recently, and i pray that it lifts her spirits, and that the yarns inspire her.

my buddy received her package on wednesday.  she loved it so much, she slept with it next to her, and she'd stroke the yarn.  i guess i done good with my yarn selection!


and yesterday my package was waiting for me...and the girl i sent goodies to was my swap buddy!  i didn't know if that's how it would match up, but i was tickled.

here's what she sent me:

a hank of cascade yarns chunky baby alpaca, a ball of bright pink lace weight yarn from brazil (i think that's where it's from, my swap buddy is originally from brazil so i am assuming it's from there),  lip balm, buckeye candy (she lives in ohio) and chocolate, some hot beverage samples, recipes for buckeye candy and brazilian fudge, a yarn tote bag, a little drawstring bag, and most touching, socks for the kiddos.  

i am especially touched by the baby socks becos my swap buddy, until recently, had a hard time going to baby stores or being around babies or pregnant women.  she is grieving the loss of her little boy late in pregnancy last fall.  i totally remember that feeling, the feeling of sadness at a baby bump, the panic of going into the baby section of a store, the stab of envy as someone celebrates a new baby.  those feelings suck.  but i am so proud of C's bravery for including the socks.  and i pray that every day gets a little easier for her too.  

and this morning i just got another written thank you from my swap buddy - apparently my package made her day, as she had a bad day and finding the package and goodies within really uplifted her.  i am so glad she is happy for her gifties.  i hope she knows how much love i put into that package.  that's why i love these swaps.  sending love where it's needed most.

thank you thank you thank you dear swap buddy C.  thank you for your kindness.  i only hope my goodies cheered you as you have cheered me.

happy clappy linus - knitcroblo day 6

i consider myself a pretty adventurous knitter.  my projects range from the most basic dishcloth to felted bags to my UFO ubatuba sweater.  i love knitting socks and baby blankets.  but my most favorite FO is also my most cherished, something i made during a very dark time in my life.

two years ago hubby and i finally got the green light to get pregnant.  we had to put our plans for adding to our family on hold for a year while i worked on getting some personal health issues under control.  to our surprise, we got lucky on our first month of trying, and we were elated.

our joy turned into sorrow when we learned that our baby, whom i had named "ani", had died at 8 weeks gestation.  for some that may seem like an unfortunate minor blip but for us, after a year of waiting and a miscarriage prior to conceiving the boy, the news was devastating. questioned whirled in my head...what if couldn't i get pregnant again?...why couldn't i sustain a pregnancy?...was the boy really our miracle baby, and we should just be grateful to have him?   we gave ourselves a deadline.  since the boy was turning 5 and we wanted to have a baby before he went to school, we decided that we would keep trying until christmas, and then give up TTC and concentrate on our only child.

we started trying again, except this time month after month would pass without a BFP.  on top everything, the anniversary of our first loss, on All Saint's Day, was looming, the EDD of ani on New Year's Day was on the horizon, and i felt more frantic, depressed, and left behind as friends announced their good news of family additions, and i dodged the "when are you going to give the boy a brother or sister" spiel that every know-it-all seemed to give.

during this time i had a prayer shawl group at my church.  we made shawls that people could borrow to keep warm in church...and if someone wanted to take one to give to someone in need, that was fine too.  i thought, i really could use my own prayer shawl, becos i was hurting and scared and wanted something to wrap around me for those times i just wanted to feel safe.

after reading through books and magazines, searching for my perfect shawl, i decided i would make a clapotis.  this scarf/shawl/wrap is one of the most popular and most knitted projects on knitty.  clapotis was simple enough to knit, yet the drop stitches added an exciting challenge to the work.  i calculated how much yarn i'd need (the original was knit with lorna's laces, but i needed a yarn that would suit my pocketbook), and while at KDO i found the perfect yarn:  crystal palace merino 5, in soft purples, blues and greens.

i set out on my shawl.  the pattern was meditative and easy to knit.  the dropped stitches, normally a fear for most knitters, actually felt liberating as i would drop the stitch then watch it rappel down the fabric.  clappy, as i had named my shawl, grew and grew and grew.

on Halloween, i had about 2 feet of clappy left to knit.  i really wanted it finished for ASD, so i feverishly knit on it around the clock.  i even took it to church and sunday school and pounded it out (mom scolded me for that - she didn't think it was appropriate.)  late on november 1, i cast off clappy, wove in my ends, did a quickie block job and wrapped its soft goodness around me.

the boy wearing clappy:

i wore clappy everywhere - to church, to knitting, to the grocery store.  i wrapped clappy around me at home when i was watching tv, reading a book, knitting.  clappy really did make me happy.

after a while i decided i had to rename clappy.  clappy sounded dirty (who wanted to be named after gonorrhea?)  so i settled on linus, after the peanuts character, whose security blanket could be anything he wanted it to be.  linus was my wrap, scarf, shawl and blanket, and the name really did fit!

november melted into december and ani's EDD was in front of me.  the christmas holidays are always my favorite but this year i was dreading them.  i felt lonely that instead of welcoming a new baby, my belly and arms were empty.  i had looked forward to sending my christmas cards with a picture of the boy holding the baby under the christmas tree (i was certain i would deliver before christmas, as the boy had been 3 weeks early, i had assumed the next baby would be too).

a funny thing happened.  christmas eve and day passed and i felt this curious calm.  new year's eve and day came and went, and while i felt sad, i also felt very very tired.

a couple days later i tested and found a BFP!

a couple weeks later, my doctor found not one but two tiny heartbeats fluttering inside me.  SURPRISE!

and eight months later, after my first ride in an ambulance and during a heavy thunderstorm, william and laura entered this world five weeks early (how did i know that was going to happen?!).  and when i tried to sleep through the pain and discomfort of major surgery and the fear and worry for my two precious angels in the NICU, i wrapped linus around me.

on chilly afternoons, curled up on a rocking chair on the front porch, i wait for the boy's bus, his ride home from school.  linus keeps me warm, in both a physical and spiritual sense.

about a month ago i decided i would give linus a proper blocking.  pinned to the floor, he stretched nearly half the length of the floor in the computer room.  he was nearly three times his size.

linus has a couple of pulls.  the stitches left from the dropped stitches catch on everything.  but i tuck them back, give the fabric a gentle tug, and go about my day.

of all my FOs, linus, clappy, my clapotis, truly makes me happy.

rest in peace, nudge

last night  on ravelry i learned the sad news that i had been dreading for months.  a woman on HAPL gave birth to her little boy, nicholas, also known as nudge.  he had bilateral renal agenesis and was born without kidneys or a bladder.  he lived for two hours before passing away in his mother's arms.

t learned of the child's grave condition a few months ago and was advised to terminate the pregnancy.  she and her husband chose not to, and she carried her child to term, knowing that he would not live very long after birth.  both had the chance to hold their beloved son, bathe him, dress him, cradle him and love him before he slipped away.  

i am in awe of this woman's strength and grace during pregnancy.  i cannot fathom how i would feel about carrying a child knowing that he would not survive very long.  sadly, this family lost another son to the same disease a couple years ago.  their anguish must be palpable.  

i hold this family in my heart and grieve for a little one who was so wanted.  how blessed nudge was to have a mom and dad who loved him so much.  all children in this world should be so lucky.  

my thoughts and prayers are with t, her husband, their loved ones, and especially little nudge.  rest in peace little one.

ETA:  you can read nudge's story here

3031

haven't blogged for a while so it's time to catch up...

babies are now at 31 weeks. i have a new EDD of august 28. i'm going to ask doc if he'll push me up a week to the end of 36 weeks, becos august 27 is the boy's first day of kindergarten, and i want to be there for him. it's not fair to take away from his special day.

babies are now over 4 pounds a piece. i am now as big as i was when i had the boy. i hurt like hell, can't shit to save my life, and have heartburn 24/7. whenever i go out shopping, i get lightheaded. i'm tired all the time. and i have 6 more weeks of this.

the nursery is now finished. all that's left is the babies. and i don't want them to come until after august 10.

i have terrible cabin fever. i'm too tired to go out. shopping makes me tired. i'm sick of tv, reading, knitting and my ipod. i'm nesting but too tired to do anything.

i'm still not hungry for food. it's an effort to eat. i wish i was like this when i'm not pregnant! i could actually lose weight this way!

MIL's treatment plan has changed. the tumor was actually bigger than expected. she's having surgery this week to have the area "shaved" her chemo and radiation is now dependent on bloodwork.

i've been such a pissy bitch this week. i hate it.

i now know what it means to be so bored i could cry.

Thanks AKFrog!

I got my second stitch marker giftie from Abby, AKA AKFrog.

i got 10 beautiful beaded silver markers. they remind me of icicles, these clear and purple beaded markers. they are light as air. i can't wait to use them, since i knit a lot of dark things, they will show and sparkle against the knitting.

i got 2 balls of patons silk bamboo yarn, an icy blue. soft as can be. i can't wait to try bamboo yarn. i have some of vickie howell's bamboo yarn but never knitted with it. i'm thinking of making a small scarf with it, maybe an ascot? that would look so pretty, spesh for spring.

i also got a chocolate bar, i love me my chocolate! i'll eat chocolate cos i don't like to drink!

i also got a kind note.

thank you so much abby, for the beautiful gift. i hope you and your family are blessed doubly for your kindness.

i have mentioned this before, the HAPL group on ravelry has been an absolute godsend to me over the past 7 months. i have gotten so much support and kind words from the ladies of this group. losing a child sucks, and it's a group no one should ever have to join, but it is a blessing to know that there are other women out there who know what i'm going through, how i feel, and how to move on.

leftovers

it's after the holidays and i've neglected my little bloggy long enough. so this is what's been happening...

survived the t-day hols with the inlaws. for once, the visit wasn't bad after all. i invented a new game called "who's got the biggest elephant" since there's always some drama going on with hubby's family. either the drama was hidden well, or there just wasn't drama at all. hubby's cousin is still being a bitch to her benevolent family. other cousin's are duking it out against C&Y (good for them!) long time ill cousin seemed in good spirits and less stoned (from her meds) than usual. no one mentioned our elephant. with everyone else's problems, ours prolly seems small. not to us, tho. but whatever.

i made dinner for hubby and the boy - just simple stuff like ham and steamed broccoli. country cupboard made the baked macaroni and baked corn. i got twice as much than last year and we're still living off it! it was a nice quiet day.

friday was spent with my family eating at country cupboard (more roni and corn!) it's just cheaper to eat there the day after - it's the same food anyway. i got a new wreath for the front door, some new xmas ornaments. i got a small pink glass bear to hang on the tree. maybe it's dumb, but it gives me comfort. i have no idear if a was a girl, but she always felt like one.

put up the rest of our decorations including the tree. we got a smaller tree this year, tall and thin. i only put on half the ornaments from other years, just my favorite glass and snoopy ones, the boy's baby ones, some odd ball ones that have been on the tree since i was a little girl. it should take less time to undecorate after the new year, which is good for me! it's my own fault, but tree decorating is tiring.

i'm still working on the tree skirt. i'm about 2/3s done with it. it looks gorgeous. i bought flannel to line the underside, but mom and my knitting teacher don't think i should do it. it will lose its drapiness if i do. so i won't line it...and use the flannel for something else.

today is supposed to be the day of AF's visit. i'm waiting until friday to test, unless she visits sooner than that. i don't feel optimistic. i have lower cramping, and my boobs feel twingy, but i'm just not feeling it. i didn't feel it in may either, so that's what i'm hoping for.

i feel more panicky lately. i'm not looking forward to christmas and the new year. maybe it's becos we're not pregnant again, but this loss has been excruciatingly more painful. it doesn't help when i hear "BFP!" all over the place, and it looks like i'm the last of the loss group who hasn't conceived since my MC. i feel incredibly left behind. i felt that way with the boy too. i'm trying to keep my faith. i pray daily. i take good care of myself. i try to not think about it. but now that the 2ww is over, i feel like i'm in a slowly ticking clock, and that everything i want is slowly slipping through my fingers. the boy keeps telling me, "i hope you have a baby, and it's a girl, cos you'd make a good mommy" (he also said this to hubby, some days, he's the better mommy!) from your mouth to god's ears, little dude!

i guess that's it. i have to go order some supplements from drugstore.com. the kitchen and dining room look like bombs went off. i have xmas paper and bows and presents all over to be wrapped. i love xmas, but it's so messy sometimes!