Spiritual maelstrom

I have this recurring dream. I dream that I'm at my old church.  Sometimes the church is full of people, sometimes it is empty. Sometimes the place doesn't look like my church, but it just feels like it.

I am angry in all of my dreams. Sometimes it's directed at a specific person or persons, but mostly at nobody. 

My anger turns to rage, and I verbally lash out. I usually scream eff you and give the middle finger. Sometimes I add more filthy language to the f-bomb, and in one dream I actually threw a boulder at someone. But mostly I swear, flip the bird to the person I'm angry at (and in a few dreams, the pulpit itself) then turn on my heel and walk out of the church. 

I've had this dream for months and it's really bugging the heck out of me. This is no garden variety dream - I think it's trying to tell me something. I used to think my school dreams were bad but this makes me feel horrible. 

I thought I was moving away from the anger and sadness of the loss of my old church.  I accepted the fact that my family is no longer welcome there. We are acclimated to our new one and are becoming active in it.  The people there are nice and seem to like us and the kids.  The kids are flourishing in Sunday school and children's choir, and we like our Sunday school class .  But still, as a new member I feel a bit like an outsider. 

My parents seem settled in their new church. They enjoy their Sunday school class and dad joined the sawdust ministry. Occasionally they take the kids to church and often get compliments on how well behaved they are. (When I hear this, I swear they are talking about other kids. My kids are noisy and pick at one another. If it's not one, it's another!)

I guess I still have some issues with the church body.  At this point all I can do is pray about it.

soul anemia

this blog post spoke volumes to me this week.  especially "anger is a symptom of soul anemia".  ann's post, it spoke to me.

then this installment of Coffee With Jesus showed up in my FB timeline:

image courtesy of radio free babylon

you see, i've been feeling very angry and bitter for a long time now.  angry that supposed friends were anything but;  bitter that a longstanding institution is corrupt and un-Christlike as it claims.  feeling lost.  feeling abandoned.  feeling very much alone.

the bitterness and anger, it is eating away at me.  i have no interest in knitting.  some days, taking care of my children is an effort.  i haven't posted my weekly gratitude list in months.  feeling angry and bitter is a crappy existence, let me tell you.

lent starts on wednesday.  we're supposed to give something up (or add something positive) in our life.  some years i gave up chips or soda; last year i did (or attempted) the 40 bag challenge.  some years i succeeded.  others, not so much.

this year for lent, i'm going to pray with intent.  in addition to praying for my family, friends and other concerns and joys, i'll pray for those whom i'm angry with, feel bitter about, are disappointed in.  when i pray my evening prayers, i often fall asleep before i finish them (prayer seems to be a great sleep aid for me!)  perhaps by praying i'll feel peace in my heart.  lightness in my life.  and maybe cure my soul anemia.

blast from the past shawl

this is the first shawl i ever knit.  i made it seven (!!) years ago.  it's so old it doesn't have a ravelry page.  i guess i'll have to remedy that.

it's knitted with red heart (!!!) on (if memory serves) on size 10.5 needles.  interestingly it is knit sideways instead of from side to side.



when i still had a knitting group at my old church, i left my shawl on a quilter's rack, to be used by someone who was cold in church, or if someone wanted to pass it on as a prayer shawl.  when i stopped by the church a few months ago to pick up the Bible the boy got for a third grade milestone, i spied my shawl on the rack, half hidden by other small afghans, and filched it.  i think, sometime down the line, the new pastor may remove the rack and afghans, and they'll wind up at a rummage sale, and i didn't want my shawl to meet that fate.

it's fun to see how far my knitting has come, from this simple garter shawl, to the lacy nupped shawls i knit now.

why knitters rock

sharon of three irish girls unveiled two new color ways today.  

the giving tree - this colorway was inspired by sandy hook elementary's mascot (the eagle) and their school colors (green and white).   


love wins is "...a gentle rainbow.  a reminder of the innocence of childhood.  and a declarative statement that evil doesn't get to win, love does.


(all images courtesy of threeirishgirls.com)

for each skein of the giving tree and love wins,  sharon will donate a portion of each sale to charities established for the families and community of newtown affected by last week's school shooting.  if you don't knit or crochet but still want to help, there is a "donate" option on the website. her goal is to raise at least $10,000.  i've witnessed how much money was raised for SHARE through the sales of you are my sunshine and glimpse color ways, and i'm betting she'll reach her goal and then some.

not only did sharon design the new limited edition colorways, but she also founded knitters for newtown on ravelry.  the goal of the group - to knit 26 blankets for each mother who lost a child that day.

knitters rock.  

hard stuff

first off, pretty WIP shot!  that's winchester, a pattern and yarn that i got at KDO this year.

now for the hard stuff.

i am struggling with some serious health issues.  i'm exhausted from lack of sleep and from constant pain from my PN.  it's hard to chase after kiddos when my feet are hypersensitive and hurt and my ankles throb.  at least my sugars are improving.  and i've lost enough weight that i can pull my jeans and khakis down without unsnapping and unzipping them.

i'm dealing with some faith issues.  i still believe in God - always have, always will - but some days i don't believe in my Lutheran faith anymore.  or in Christians, for that matter.  this is so hard for me.  i count on my faith to help me through hard things, and it really sucks when the faith (and the people) you count on...aren't there anymore.  and no longer care about you either.

lastly.  maybe it's becos of the election.  perhaps it's the economy.  a lot of it is societal.  i'm fatigued (and not in a physical sense).  i have no faith in the government anymore.  society has me going O.o on a daily basis.  i guess what i'm trying to say is, i'm tired of other people's crap affecting my life.  and the fact that common sense and decency is nearly non-existent these days.  

all of this hard stuff has taken its toll on my blog (and my knitting which is coming back in spurts).  hence, the radio silence.  i toyed with shuttering my blog, but i was reluctant to do that becos i like to write about my knitting and my kids' milestones.  i also read an article recently that journaling/blogging is good for airing out issues.  i'm sure my "hard" posts are unpopular and difficult to read, but for me, it feels good getting it out of my system.  

for now, i think i'll blog when the spirit moves me (or i complete a project, or the kids do something exceptional).  no stress of ohmygoshwhatamigratefulforthisweek or whatismymomentthisweek or iamtiredoflookingatthatoldpost.  this is my space and i can write whenever i want to.  in the meantime i am working on my health issues.  and praying a lot.  

thanks for listening.  

shedding my skin

i didn't know how to write what i want to say, so i decided to let my "nourish my soul" pins speak for me...

but...

so...

i am making this choice becos...

and lastly...new short hair!

all pins courtesy of pinterest

what about my generation?

in this month's issue of the lutheran, this article discussed how churches are engaging young people - the millennials - in the faith.  the article gave examples of activities - from liturgical dance to barroom theological discussions - that draw the younger folks to church.

the more i read the article, the more pissed i felt.

i understand that congregations are doing whatever it takes to draw in new members, especially younger folk. i do.  but for someone who doesn't like to dance and doesn't drink, those activities won't work for me.  if anything, i'd feel more alienated and would shy away from the church.

churches around here woo the masses with AYCE meals, fruit festivals, rummage sales and the occasional outing to sight and sound.  the baby boomers are moving into the organizational positions once held by the greatest generation.  churches fall over themselves trying to snag the millennials into the sanctuary.  it's my generation, Generation X, that appears to be absent from mix.

at my old church, and the one i attend currently, most of the families my age, with children the age of my own, just aren't there.  many cite excuses of work or sports games.  the worst one of all - i work all week and sunday is the only day we have as a family.  for us, church is a family activity, and for an hour at the very least, a small portion of the day.

i joked to hubby if churches wanted my presence, perhaps they should send someone to clean my house while talking bible to me.  or offer a mom's day out, where someone watched the kids while i socialized with other moms.  actually there are a few churches that do mother's day out but they're too far away, or it's a faith that i'm just not comfortable with.  ::cough::fundy churches::cough::

it also didn't help that our church didn't have sunday school for the children during the summer, despite having class for the adults.  i wanted to go to sunday school but couldn't becos there was no one to watch our kids.  sadly, this is the norm - even the church my parents currently attend suspended children's sunday school for the summer.

hubby and i talked about this article and hubby said that while reading a church's annual strategic plan; one of the goals was ...review the need for changes to the worship services to continue to attract and retain members. Monitor the attendance at worship to ensure there is adequate space for the congregation to feel comfortable in attending...  hubby took this as make sure there's enough empty spaces to attract new members.  say what?  wouldn't a congregation want full pews not half empty ones?  if i was going to a church for the first time and saw a filled sanctuary, i'd be thinking wow, this must be a good church/the pastor must be good/active congregation becos it's hard to find a place to sit.  who looks at a half empty sanctuary with those thoughts?  the irony is that this congregation has three services, with the early and latter settings being "traditional" and the middle being "contemporary".  this service is also touted for parents who wish to worship without their children (sunday school is held at this time).  what if i want to attend sunday school too?  guess which service(s) are the most attended?  it's not the one with the praise choir!

(a thought about contemporary services - i don't mind them every once in a while, and i do enjoy special entertainment on special occasions.  but if i wanted to be entertained in church every sunday, i'd go to a Haggis concert instead.  for me, church isn't for entertaining but for nourishing my soul and recharging my batteries for the upcoming week.)

ugh.  i am so disillusioned by the lutheran church.  sometimes i don't think i believe in it anymore.  oh, i believe in God and i believe in the lutheran doctrine, but the church as a whole - yeah.  it sucks.  but that's a post for another day...

square one

last sunday at church, the pastor announced that he was retiring in the fall.  after 17 years at the church and dealing with serious health issues over the years, he felt it was time to step out of the pulpit.

i wasn't really surprised by the announcement.  he and my dad went to seminary together and had about the same number of years in the ministry.  i'd heard whispers that he was looking forward to retirement and that it would be probably be within the next year, but i hadn't expected it to be so soon.

in spite of the announcement i cried, not becos i liked him so much (and i do, he has a similar preaching style as my dad and FIL) but becos it felt like i was losing my dad and church all over again.  i guess i counted on the pastor for being around while i adjusted to the new church.  the move has been hard for me and the pastor made me feel more comfortable.

it's funny how alone one can feel in church despite being surrounded by people.  and now i'm back to square one, except that not only do i have to get accustomed to a new church, but to a new interim pastor as well.

moving on

today we are going to a new church for easter.  it feels weird to "church shop".

when hubby and i first got married, his aunt (also a lutheran minister) gently suggested that maybe we should think about going to a church separate from our dads'.  by doing that, we'd be "k1k2 and hubby" and not "the pastor's kids".  at the time hubby and i alternated weeks at each other's church.  neither of us wanted to hurt our dads' feelings.  the arrangement worked until we had the boy.  then we had to plan ahead and get creative in juggling sunday school and church activities.  five years ago my FIL retired and we went to my church full time, knowing that my dad wouldn't retire for several more years.

i loved my church.  it has good opportunities for young people with sunday school and youth group.  i loved my sunday school class.  i've always had good sunday school teachers who actually teach bible lessons.  not many churches in the area have programs like that.  i guess that fact is a complement to my dad.

last week we went to the palm sunday service at my old church becos the boy's choir sang.  it felt weird to see someone else in my dad's pulpit.  i think i'll always be a judgy mcjudgepants towards other pastors - i've been  this for years.  not many people talked to us.  that made me sad.  why should i stick around in a church where people can't be bothered to even acknowledge you?

i'm ready to move on.  i'm tired of being "the pastor's daughter".  i want to be able to sit on a church counsel some day.  i won't be able to do that fairly at my church.  maybe someday i'll be in a choir where i'm the soprano that i am and not an alto by proxy.   i want my family to sit in church and not feel like a three ring circus.  i'd like to actually SIT with my parents and in-laws in church and be parishioners and not have one in charge of a service.

we attended maundy thursday and tenebrae services at my IL's church.  while i know the pastor and feel pretty comfortable with him (he knows our dads and preaches similarly) it still felt really weird.  my impression of going to a new church - it must be what it feels like to date or have sex after a divorce or a death.  it felt very awkward and even sad.  i wanted to cry during the thursday night service, and apparently my nerves were shredded becos i got hives on my hands and arms.  i hope once the initial awkwardness is over, i can start feeling comfortable.

this is an interesting part of my faith journey, one that i've never been on before.  please pray for us to find a good church home.


this post was written ahead of time.  yesterday we took the kids to my church's egg hunt.  

there was so much talk about "helping us feel comfortable" after my parents left.  a need to "make us feel welcome".  well, i guess talk is cheap, becos i never felt so damn unwelcome in my life.  

i'm pissed.  not one soul spoke to us at the egg hunt.  not one person said hello.  not one person asked how my parents were.  honestly, i don't think anyone even looked at us.  oh, a friend of my folks' came over and said hello, but their adult child couldn't be bothered to do the same.  i had to put up with teenaged angst bullshit in high school; i never expected to deal with the same crap in church.  i guess that's how some people roll.  sad.


and to those who snubbed us - a pox on you.  i know who you are and where you come from.  you needn't act like so bloody superior; in fact you are no better that me, hubby or my kids.  you're the reason i never want to go back to my church.  as far as i'm concerned.  you can suck my left nut and piss off.


yeah, to those who want us to stay at my church:  don't count on it.  if you need a reason why, just read between the lines.


my apologies for writing an incredibly passive aggressive post, but i feel hurt and a little betrayed.

a house isn't a home unless your loved ones are there

my parents retired and moved to my grandmother's house. before they handed in their keys i broke into the house with the hidden key stopped by the house to say my final goodbyes and cry and mourn what was once my young adult home.  it's funny how living there for 6 years impacted my life.  i'll miss the closets (my room alone had 3 - a huge cedar walk in closet and 2 large storage ones).  the house had 12 closets altogether, plus built in drawers in an upstairs spare room.  it was one kickass house.

my mission was to bring home my old prom gowns and whatever goodies i found in my old changing table.  i was going to bring my wedding gown and veil home, but couldn't find the tub that mom had for it (it was in the spare room.  the thing's as big as a coffin).  i found the prom dresses easily as they were in my "seldom used" closet.  the changing table was in the attic.  it was one of those 70s affairs, wicker and plastic that folded out, with a couple of baskets for diapers/clothes/blankets etc (it'd be condemned in this day and age for safety reasons).  considering the thing was nearly 40 years old, it wasn't cracked or dirty.  i opened that puppy up and this is what i found:

a crocheted shawl.  i'm not sure who made this for me.  mom didn't know either.  i'd like to think that my nana crocheted it for me.  

not knitted or crocheted, but a little carter's vest that i vaguely remember wearing (and loathing).  what's interesting is it's a size 5 (i think i wore it in kindergarten) and it fits petunia NOW.  actually, it's a bit short on her.  i had freddie try it on, and not only was it short on him but TIGHT.  the kiddos are not big by any stretch; in fact they're consistently on the lower end of the growing curve at the doctor's office.  either children were way smaller back in the day (i was tall and thin back then), or clothing sizes are really that far out of whack.


crocheted pink booties.  i think they match the pink crocheted hat that petunia has long since overgrown.  mom had no idear who made these either.


these drool bibs are destined for a soak in some oxyclean.  even after a gentle wash, they still had yellow stains.


mom said my my aunt dorotha (once removed) made me this bonnet.  too bad i found it too late.  it would have looked cute on petunia.


i think these mittens were store bought.  they matched the bonnet.


mom said this was my baptismal blanket.  as i hung it up to dry after i washed it, i couldn't figure out the design in the middle - an ark? an elephant? a turtle?  none of the above - it was a snowflake, with little snowflakes stitched around it.  it's a store-bought blanket, but i was touched to find it.


blast from the past - a gown from one of my SAI formals.  petunia didn't seem interested in playing dress up.


i also brought home 2 t-shirts - and orange ET shirt and a red and white baseball shirt (remember those?!) with the smurfs on the front and my name ironed on the back - remember fuzzy letters?  i have to rewash the baseball shirt with a color catcher as the color ran from the collar and sleeves. when the boy put on the ET shirt, it was too tight.  it was in his size, but mom reminded me that they would have bought me a girl size.  still going on the kids little in the past/kids bigger now theory.  the boy was disappointed that he couldn't wear the shirt, but it'll be there for when freddie and petunia are big enough.

the changing table was full of other stuff - my old undershirts (lord did i hate wearing them when i was little - that attitude didn't change much becos i hate wearing bras too), long john underwear (i have no idear why mom kept these), bags of old tights (ugh) and a couple cute pairs of pajamas, one being a nightie that looked very holly hobbie.

the other things i found in the table were bits of old pine cone and some mouse turds.  yes, something built a nest in there.  i was dismayed to see this.  as i shook pine cone petals off the shawl, i heard the voices of dr. zazio, dr. chabeau and the cleaning specialists talking in my head - why do you want that dirty piece of clothing?  do you really need something that has pine cone petals and mouse poop on it?

yeah, i did.

these were the only items i could salvage from the changing table.  i washed them well, hung them to dry, and now i'll pack them away in the attic.

there were other things i wanted from the house but couldn't have.  mom and dad left the changing table behind for lack of space (hoarders mentality that i can be, i wished it could have been reunited with the matching bassinet that lives in my grandmother's attic.  oh well.)  a chair that used to be in my room at my childhood home couldn't be salvaged becos it spent too many years down cellar and was full of mold and mildew - the last thing someone with allergies and asthma should have.



sometimes i feel dumb for feeling sad about leaving a place where i haven't lived for years.  i've long learned that HOME is wherever hubby and the kids are.  i've returned to my church a few times for services and the boy's choir practices, but it doesn't feel like *my* church anymore.  i got the same feeling when i stopped by the old house to look through mail for my parents.  it was akin to viewing a dead loved one - while they look the same, they don't, becos their essence or soul is gone.  the church and my old house aren't the same, becos my parents' essence are no longer there and can't return anyway.

it's funny.  parishioners tell me how much they miss my parents.  how they wish we could come back to church.  the national church dictates this rule - former pastors aren't really welcome at former parishes.  it's to help facilitate the mourning/healing/moving on process in the church.  it makes sense tho.  imagine leaving your job, and returning to see someone in your place.  it feels weird for you, and no doubt feels weird for the person who took your spot.  now, a parish can make a retired pastor a pastor emeritus but it doesn't necessarily guarantee a pastor can be welcomed back by new pastors (ask me how i know).

there's no doubt that they people miss my parents.  but no one misses them as much as i do.  my dad has been my pastor my entire life.  my dad has been pastor at his parish for 19 years.  sorry, i win this one.

last night i had to run to the grocery store.  in the middle of the freezer aisle a song came on the muzak, one that was popular around the time my folks' dog rusty died years ago.  it hit me at that point that my folks would never shop in that store again.  that they'd never live in my town again.  i almost started crying and moved away from the waffles quickly.  i bought myself a crochet magazine, cherry blintzes and a mike's hard lemonade to keep myself from totally breaking down.  crazy, right?


my parents are now settling into their new/old home.  they started their new routine with the kids by keeping them overnight last weekend and taking the kiddos to the farmer's market and big playground on wednesday.  i'm used to relying myself for dealing with kid emergencies (i.e. picking up the boy at school when they call that he is sick; running a pair of pants to the school when he ripped his at recess; running errands to target and aldi's).  we are going to a new church for holy week and easter services.  i have my moments, but our new normal is getting easier and better.  it's all good.

talismen

i carry this little pouch in my purse.  it's full of little trinkets and things.  i've had it for years.

piece of tartan, red sock yarn, nail clippers, barrette i've had for years, a scrungy hair elastic i should probably throw away, and keys to my parents' and grandmother's houses (i've since turned in my parents' key becos they are moving soon).


the quarter and dime are from 1964 and are pure silver (they're not silver coated like coins today).  have no clue where i got the flattened penny from.  the cross, shell, acorn, butterfly and miracles pebble i probably bought at the hallmark store.  the blue pebble was a lenten memento from years ago.  and that scrungy thing on the upper right is a pig i got at dutch wonderland - supposedly it's for good luck.


more lenten coins.  the cross on the left is so old the etching on it is faded.  the coin at the lower right is from before the church became the ELCA.  the coin on the bottom is the this year's lenten coin.


these are rosary medallions i got in jim thorpe.  i started collecting them not long after i got married.  i don't think i've gotten a new one in years (probably becos i've exhausted all the saints).


i'm not catholic, but i do carry the medallions for "good health".  these are the saints i've collected:

saint anthony - my cousin taught me the st. anthony prayer for missing things - "dear saint anthony, dressed in brown, what was lost will now be found."  it works!
saint anne, mother of the virgin mary and the grandmother of jesus.  in late summer, a catholic church in scranton holds a weeklong novena in honor of st. anne.
saint cecilia, the patron saint of musicians
saint andrew
saint patrick
saint roch, patron saint of dogs, bachelors and invalids; he's invoked against knee and skin problems.  i probably got it becos of my HS, buy maybe i should call upon him more often by the way my knees hurt.
saint francis of assisi, the patron saint of animals.  many churches hold services honoring st. francis, and people bring their pets to the service.  incidentally, this medallion also has st. anthony on the back of it.  two saints for the price of one?
st. gerard of majella, the patron saint of children and mothers, specifically pregnant mothers.  not sure if i got it before i had the boy, or after i had my miscarriage.
saint teresa of avila, patron saint of headaches, illness and lacemakers.  i bought this medallion at the height of my migraines years ago; it's one of the first medallions i ever bought.
saint rita, patron saint of lost causes and illness
saint george
saint dymphna, patron saint of mental illness (also an early purchase, i've dealt with chronic depression for years)
cor jesu (this is what's marked on the medallion, i think it's simply a jesus medallion)
one unmarked with an angel, made in italy
plus a silver hindu figure i got at an asian shop in eagles mere years ago.

as you can imagine, that pouch weighs a ton in my purse.  but i carry it everywhere, even when i'm carrying the basics (wallet, lip balm and tissues) in my vera bradley hipster.  nothing bad has ever happened to me while carrying it, so i guess it doesn't hurt.  it's funny how tiny bits of metal bring comfort.

what kind of good luck charms do you believe in?

the irony is not lost on me

look what i got in the mail:

i'm not even catholic, yet i received a rosary in the mail recently.


i unearthed this post, dated a year ago, where i inquired about using prayer beads to keep track of my prayers.  funny i should receive some, a year from when i talked about it, and during a period in my life where i really should be focusing on my prayers.

i guess i should forward that $7 donation to st. therese, the little flower, eh?

haba wha? - the church edition

just to clear some things up:

no, we are not moving with my parents.  my grandmother's house is not a compound.  holy crap on a cracker, where's the common sense?  just becos my parents are moving away doesn't mean that we are.  dear bob, i'd give anything to move away from the ghetto.  i love my house but it feels small and i hate the people who live in my neighborhood.  unfortunately gram's house isn't big enough for all of us.  and hubby would have a long commute to his job.  and even if we were going to move, i'd build my own house.

(just for the record, someone did ask my dad this.  i asked him if the question meant moving to another church and he said no - the person honestly thought we were moving in with my parents.)


now that my parents are leaving the emphasis is to "make us feel comfortable and welcome."  i've attended my church for nearly 20 years - why start now?  why do you want us to stay?  are you afraid of losing our tithe?  or becos we consistently bring our children to church and sunday school each week?  are we dying?  Lord love a duck, this comment just pissed me off.

i don't think people understand that my dad has been my pastor my entire life.  35 years (longer still, but my awareness really began at 3).  do people have any idea what it's going to be like to have someone other than my dad (or my father in law) as my pastor?

here's another angle.  we sit in front of the pulpit - we've sat here for years.  would a new pastor want to see us sitting in front of him?  how would he feel to see us?  it's going to be uncomfortable both ways;  therefore we will probably have to change the pew we sit in.  this is going to be hard - i prefer sitting in the front, and my kiddos are accustomed to our location in the nave - this isn't going to be an easy task.

i wish people would realize that getting a new pastor isn't like getting a new teacher.  for me, it's a life change - a longtime life change.  and it's a hard one for me.


we still have no clue what we're going to do next.  well, i have some ideas.  so far, this is the game plan for march:

we're taking a few weeks off and skipping church and sunday school.  i'm tired and i feel emotionally drained from the past few months.  i want a break.  i feel horrible saying this but it's true - going to church, for me, is like going to work.  i go to church rain or shine, unless i'm sick to the point of incapacitation.  the only time we skip is when mom and dad are on vacation (twice a year at most).  no wonder i'm burned out on church.  nobody gets it.

the boy's choir sings in the middle of the month, so we'll go to church then.  i still want him to participate in choir becos he enjoys it.  i'll also take him to practice (my mom and dad did this).  lent is coming, and i can always sit in the back during wednesday evening services.  i still get my dose of church in this way.

mom and dad suggested taking the kids to sunday school and skipping church. they enjoy going to sunday school so this is a decent solution; i'm seriously considering this.  that way, we still are active;  i can still tithe (just drop it in the plate on our way in) and we don't have to go to church, feel uncomfortable or make the interim/new pastors feel uncomfortable.

there's more i'd like to say, but i guess that's it for now.  my apologies for the weird post - i'm feeling unsettled and pissed off.  

tuning in, dropping out

lent will be upon us before long, and i usually give up something for it.  usually something food wise, but i'm thinking more techno this year.  i'm thinking about giving up Facebook/ravelry/blogs for lent.

it's amazing how pervasive technology is in our lives.  i am able to keep in touch with old school mates, talk to people on a different continent and learn about breaking stories as they occur.  i love keeping up with everyone, but some days news and chatter make me feel bad.  i'm not alone;  apparently someone did a study on this.  allow me to explain.

i love Facebook;  i love keeping up with old friends.  i enjoy hearing about the good (and sometimes not so good) things happening to them.  some days the news makes me feel alone (oh my goodness the boy is smart but not that smart oh my goodness the kiddos don't do this oh my goodness we still live in an old house in the ghetto oh my goodness doesn't anyone give a toss about my knitting/sewing/crafting etc etc etc).  ugh.

ravelry has opened up a whole world to me (and i have the knitting world literally at my fingertips) but some days i wish i could just drop out.  i avoid certain threads becos they make me feel like crap (oh my goodness there are kids younger than mine who are potty trained and mine can't be bothered holy shit there's a two month old who's potty trained oh my goodness i didn't breast feed/cloth diaper/cosleep my twins becos i was scared and i valued my sleep over their well-being and the dirty hippie mommies think i'm worthless oh my goodness i wish i could crank out the knits these moms have a gazillion kids and can knit lace why can't i? oh my goodness i want ALL THE FANCY YARN and can't afford squat yada yada yada).

then there are the blogs.  some of my favorites have ceased existence (that would be mooncalf makes, eskimimi and the pine valley bulletin).  others post irregularly (french press knits and grumperina, but for good reason - they had babies).  there's a chunk of blogs that i followed becos i liked what they said faith wise.  but i also dropped a bunch becos oh my goodness my faith is strong but not THAT strong oh my goodness my family's not affluent oh my goodness my family is large but not THAT large oh my goodness we can't afford a second house on the lake oh my goodness STFU about vacation we won't be going on a big vacation again this year (#yarnharlot) blah blah blah.

i even toyed with putting my blog on hiatus for lent and taking a break from blogging.  this past week i was sick with a cold, and it took all my energy just to keep up with the (non-sick) kiddos and it was an effort to do simple blogging.  for the first time in a long time, it felt good to not blog.  does anyone really care what i say anyway?

see what i'm saying?

having a life online can be a good thing.  staying in touch with people is so easy becos of it.  however, what good is it when it makes me feel bad about myself, as a woman, a mother, a crafter and a christian?  i talked to hubby about this last night at supper.  he's not as socially wired as i am (which is ironic considering his job is computers) but it's also a reason why he's avoided social networking in the first place.  he feels no need to keep up with others.  i can see his point now.

on the other hand, some news is parlayed to me only by social networking.  i had to "friend" the boy's chorale Facebook page becos his director posts updates on the wall and finds it easier than emailing.  i post my knitting projects on ravelry as a way to keep track of modifications and details.  could i do that for 40 days?

i know people who dropped Facebook for lent and lived to tell the tale!  i know it's doable.  i think about how much time i would save by not logging onto my Facebook app on my phone (a couple times a day) or raveling (at least an hour a day) or reading blogs (checking blog feed a couple times a day).  how many more books could i read?  how much knitting or sewing could i get done?  i'd have more free time than i'd know what to do with!  how much better would i feel about myself if i wasn't comparing myself to others then feeling despair becos i felt like i wasn't measuring up?

i still have a few weeks to make a decision.  i'd love to hear any stories about dropping out socially online!

should i stay or should i go?!

since my dad announced his retirement a few weeks ago, people have been asking me whether or not we will remain at the church after they leave. i don't know, i tell them.  we'd like to stay becos the kids are established here for sunday school and choir, but i just don't know.  i don't know how it will be, seeing another pastor in my dad's pulpit.  i'm not looking forward to it.

almost 5 years ago my FIL retired and we left hubby's church, altho he kept his membership there.  two years later, while pregnant with the twins, hubby transferred his membership to my church after a debacle at his (teal deer:  the interim pastor there cleaned roles and hubby's family was removed when they weren't supposed to.  nice church.)  we knew dad wasn't going to retire soon so we settled in at mine.

well, someday arrived, and my parents are leaving at the end of march.  as i've eluded in previous posts, i'm not enthralled by what is coming out of seminary now.  i know some pastors whose pastoral care is lacking (some don't do hospital or nursing home visits) and others who make drastic changes the first month they arrive.  it would hurt to see my church undergo such changes.

i've been keeping a running list of pros and cons of staying or going.  this is what i'm thinking about:

reasons to stay

- my kids like sunday school, and the boy is in choir.  our church is one of the few in the area with a thriving sunday school program or children's choir.  i like my own sunday school class.  it's the only hour in my week where i don't have to deal with the kids. (sad, isn't it?)

- i'm familiar with the people who come to my church.  it's a cozy country church, full of eager and active members.  our congregation is known for their meals (pork and sauerkraut, chicken and waffle), and many members are active in the faith community outside of our church.

- my church is rather conservative.  we don't have communion every sunday, we don't cross ourselves, we don't anoint ourselves when we enter the sanctuary like other area lutheran churches.  i'm not opposed to those activities, but but it would feel weird to start doing that.


reasons to leave

- my church is 10 miles from my house.  it takes 15-20 minutes to drive there.  evening activities like choir make the day very long, and driving there in snow/ice is not fun.  the intersection at the bottom of the hill has been the scene of many accidents (including my dad years ago) and i hate crossing there.

- the boy doesn't go to school with the kids who go to my church.  well, the kids there go to at least 5 different school districts, but it'd be nice if the kids went to the same school.

- this is a big one for me, and it's not really good - i feel like an outsider in my church.  yes, the preacher's daughter feels like an outsider in her own damn church.  i've felt this for years.  when we arrived 19 years ago, many of the kids my age were away to college.  they knew each other from little on, and i was the new kid.  there was no sunday school class for me - i could either join the high school class (which was too young for me) or the young adult class (full of young parents older than me, couldn't relate).  i wound up in my mom's sunday school class, full of baby boomers, but i liked my teacher and liked the people there.

when i got married and had children, i thought i'd have more in common with the people my age.  i still felt like the odd person out - i'm a SAHM;  the other moms work.  i live "far away";  the others live closer to my church.  i like to knit; the others think it's weird to knit.  when i look at other families, with their new cars, big houses, vacations, i feel very poor.  who knows what their financial situations are, but it's a bitter pill for me to swallow sometimes.

the other thing that has actually been brought up recently is the "cliquishness" of the congregation.  to be fair, my church was established by a merger of three congregations, and there are many old families (or "clans" as i think of it).  i'm not saying that there are dividing lines - my congregation gets along pretty well - but, well, a family is obviously going to stick together. i'm not related to anyone in that congregation, so why would i expect be included in out of church activities with them?

so yes, i do feel alone in my own church.  it's probably my own doing - i'm not one to follow a crowd anyway - but it hurts to stand and wait for the boy to finish with choir, and have no one ask me how i'm doing.  or how my kids are.  why should i stay at a church that makes me feel that way?


where would we go?  there's a lutheran church a half block from my house.  the boy went there for preschool and bible school.  some of his classmates attend there.  it's the church where my in laws transferred.  it certainly would be convenient for us to attend.  i'm just not sure if it's the church for us.

there are half a dozen churches within a two block radius of our home.  i'm not opposed to visiting them, but i really want a lutheran church.  there's a catholic church and a synagog across the river (yes, it's crossed my mind to visit them) but i don't think i'd feel good at those either.

this is what i'm looking for in a church for us:

- a sunday school program for the children.  you'd be surprised how many churches don't have sunday school programs anymore.  that's just sad.

- a children's choir.  the boy loved children's choir and i want the little ones to have the same experience.

- a youth group for when the kids are older.  the boy will be old enough for one in a couple of years.

my kids are the deal breaker here.  the church has to have active children's programming.  while i feel pretty established and confident in my faith and instill it in my children, i desire the additional support an active church has.

- a pastor who doesn't ram social issues down my throat.  or expect me to become a catholicized lutheran.  (good luck with that.)

- a pastor who will come to the hospital if something happens to me. (you'd be surprised how many pastors refuse to visit shut-ins or members in the hospital.  some won't do in home communions.  that's sad and pathetic).


i hate that my faith is being shaken.  somedays, my faith is all i have.  this is one of the things i hate about being a preacher's daughter.  hubby reminded me of a comment his aunt (also a lutheran pastor, she's in nova scotia and rocks) made when we got married - maybe we should go to a church where neither of our dads are.  a new church where we'd be ourselves, not pastor's kids.  13 years too late on that.

i guess i have a lot to think about.  pray for us, to make a wise decision

revealed

the time is nigh to reveal the secret i've been keeping for the past several months.

after 35 years in ministry, my dad is retiring.  his final service is the last sunday in february.  my mom and dad are moving to my gram's house, and my gram is in the process of moving to a retirement community.

i am happy for my father, who has has worked hard his entire life.  as a young man he worked on his family's farm while simultaneously pursuing his undergrad degree (earning it in three years) and working at the town's foundry.  for a few hours on sundays he took my mom out on dates.

my folks got married before dad went to seminary.  a year later my dad was a grad student, supplying at churches, working at an applesauce factory and a new father.  the next two years my family crisscrossed the state as dad did a practical at a mental hospital and then an internship at a congregation not far from shanksville.

dad's first call was at a small country church 90 minutes from where he grew up.  sixteen years later he accepted a call at our current church, placing us closer to our extended family.  this call lasted 19 years.  it's rare to have long calls.  over the years my dad has sacrificed vacations for funerals or weddings; spent nights in hospitals consoling grieving families and did little tasks around the church - like buying copy paper - that not many other pastors do.  the church has greatly changed over the years.  my dad is weary.  it's time for him to take care of himself.

i'm sad that he's retiring.  well, i'm obviously happy.  he's worked so hard his entire life.  he works harder than any other pastor i know (other than my FIL who is as hardworking in his retirement years).  i'm not terribly enamored of the pastors that are entering the ministry - that's a post for another day.

my mom is also resigning as organist and choir director.  she worked as hard as my dad with the ministry. i know she's relieved and looking forward to taking a break.

as for me - i'm not sure what's next for our family.  my church has a good sunday school and a children's choir.  there aren't many churches in the area that can say that.  i don't want to leave my church, but i'm not sure we should stay either.  it's going to be hard to see another pastor in my dad's pulpit.


anticipating my dad's retirement has worked on me for several months.  my gram moving to a retirement community has shaken me.  my parents will now live an hour away and visits with the kids won't be as frequent.  when i need them to watch the healthy kids while i take the sick one to the doctor, they won't be able to do so in a minute's notice.  i'll miss their house.  even though i haven't lived there in nearly 13 years, i'll miss the closets and the large back yard.  mom's selling her organ.  she got it as a teenager.  it's crazy but i'm going to miss it.  i wish i had the room in my house for it but i'll be lucky to find space for their piano, and there's no room for it at gram's.

the news is now out;  the mourning will commence.  there will be a lot of changes and adjustment this year.  and so our new normal begins.

change

i recently read an article about debbie macomber in Guideposts magazine.  she talked about how she chooses one word to focus on for the upcoming year.  previous words she picked were prayer, trust and surrender.  she explained how each of these words affected her and her family. she discusses this in a recently released book.

i usually don't make new year's resolutions.  i'm horrible at keeping them.  i do the usual eat healthy/exercise more/relax/etcetc.  debbie's word focus intrigued me, and i thought it would be fun to try for the incoming year.

the word i chose is change.  i experienced a lot of it this past year, and i don't think i handled it as well.  i'm anal retentive and a horrible control freak, so it's natural for me to feel completely uncomfortable with change.  but change is good.  change is necessary.  change will happen whether i like it or not.  perhaps by focusing on it - acknowledging it - i can feel more comfortable with it.

if you picked a word to focus on this year, what would it be and why?

a blogger's prayer

courtesy of Ann Voskamp @ www.aholyexperience.com 


a blogger's prayer

I am no longer my own blogger, but Thine, O Lord.

Refine me with each post how You will, rank me how You will.

Put me to service, or put me to suffering.

Let me post for Thee or be put aside for Thee,

Lifted high, only for Thee, or brought low, all for Thee.

Do with me and each post whatever you will, because You alone know best.

Let me not strive but submit Let me not compete but care

Let me not desire hits but holiness

Let me be a follower, instead of seeking followers.

Let my blog be full of Thee, and let it be empty of me.

Let me crave all things of Thee, let me care nothing of this world.

Let my words be worthy of the greatest of audiences: You.

And You are enough.

May I write not for subscribers… but only for Thy smile.

May my daily affirmation be in the surety of my atonement,

not the size of my audience.

May my identity be in the innumerable graces of Christ,

never, God forbid, the numbers of my comments.

May the only words that matter in my life not be the ones I write on a screen ---

but the ones I live with my skin.

I freely and heartily yield every sentence, every title, every post, every comment… or no comments… all to Thine pleasure and perfect will.

My only fame is that I bear Your name

My only glory is the gift of Your Grace

My only readership, Your eyes that seek to and fro to find a heart hard after You.

Make this so, oh Lord…

Yahweh, You alone are my God, not Google

Jesus, You alone are my Savior, not site meters

And Holy Spirit, You alone are my Comforter, not comments

So be it, today, yesterday, and every post to come.

This is my prayer I have made on earth and over this keyboard… let it be ratified in heaven.

Amen.

Copyright 2010, Ann Voskamp @ www.aholyexperience.com   All rights reserved.

what i wish i could tell you

this post says so eloquently what i wish i could say.  have tissues ready.  that's all i'm saying.

i have been dealing with some tough things for several months, and i don't see an end for them in the near future.  all will be revealed in due time but in the meantime, bear with me.  


these are my signs.  all images are courtesy of Pinterest.  links for them may be found there.

commitment

if you're LSG or get uncomfortable reading posts about faith, you might want to skip this.  unfortunately this is a kvetch post.

climb soapbox


last week was commitment sunday.  that's the day when we fill out our time and talent sheets.  we check off the activities and committees we wish to participate in for church for the next year, and also note our tithe commitment.  we do this every year.  the sheets are gathered and the information is parsed out to the committees, so they know who is interested in what.  also, the church budget is planned by what people pledge to give.

i remember, in the past, the church being full on this sunday.  members of council sat in the first few rows, showing their leadership in the church.  even the children received a sheet, promising to attend sunday school and church, pray daily, and read the bible with their parents.

last sunday felt scant.  there were a handful of children who attended the children's moment.  our choir was down a few members.  it was a nice indian summer day.  it was a holiday weekend.  i'm guessing people had better things to do than sit in church.  so much for COMMITMENT.

this makes me sad.  it makes me feel a bit resentful too.  i know people have the right to take off a sunday (lord knows we do, when mom and dad are on vacation).  during confirmation, we promise to keep the faith, attend church, pray, support our church.  no where in the Bible or in our sacraments does it state "unless it's a nice day out" or "it's a holiday".  thank goodness God doesn't wake up on a beautiful morning and decide to take the day off.  so why should we do it to him?

i am absolutely grateful for the blessings God has given our family.  how else can i show him how grateful i am?  i go to church, despite being tired/headachy/hungry/antsy.  i sing in the choir, becos it makes me feel good.  i bring my children to church, becos i want them to have a close relationship with God too.

i shouldn't judge.  it's none of my business.  but how can one be committed to God if they neglect to show their commitment?

/soapbox