this weekend a member in my favorite ravelry group posted her birth announcement. she wrote about the birth experience, which was nothing like she had planned, and altho she was delighted to have her child, she was very disappointed in how the child was delivered. i was the first to post a congrats to her and welcomed her LO to the world.
the member who posted after me wrote "man, that sucks".
now, i'm sure this person meant to say, "i'm sorry your birth plan didn't go as you wanted, but i am so happy your new baby is here and is healthy and safe, take care of yourself, send pictures, yada yada yada". i'm sure this person did not want her congrats post to sound so negative. i followed my post with another post, commenting that while it did suck that the birth hadn't gone as she wanted that hopefully over time, the disappointment and hurt would fade away as she watched her child grow up.
a lot of "disagree" buttons were pushed over the past 48 hours. members welcomed the new child and congratulated the new mom. some criticized the insensitivity of the comments. it was an ugly ugly scene for what should have been a rejoicing of a new life.
God bless the mods, they earned their keep for the day, smoothing over the painful comments, reassuring that the group is supposed to be a safe haven for women who have lost a pregnancy or child.
the hurt is still palpable in the forum. i noticed some of my friends left - i don't know if it was becos of the situation or becos they felt it was time to move on - but that saddened me. the two women at the center of the controversy both left the group. that made me feel horrible. i pray that they get the support they need for their journey through parenthood. and i feel absolutely terrible that women who struggle to have a baby were witness to this ugly scene.
i feel somewhat responsible for this situation. several weeks ago, the new mom had learned that she had to make drastic changes to her birthing plan. she expressed anger that she couldn't deliver her child the way she wanted to and that after several years and several losses, her dream birthing plan was crushed. i remember at the time thinking "i can understand why you are frustrated and angry but considering that you lost previous pregnancies and carried this child to term, be grateful that this child has a chance of being born at all". this woman complained several times about how her dream birth was destroyed, and i know at one point i commented to hubby "she just doesn't get it. there are women in this group that would give anything to have a baby and she's bitching becos she can't give birth in a swimming pool at home".
i wish at the time i had alerted one of the mods to the conversation. i wish i had said "this woman's comments, while i can understand where she is coming from, really aren't appropriate. they really bother me and i'm afraid someone's feelings are going to be hurt by them". but i kept my mouth shut, becos i was afraid of offending the woman or someone else. i also thought that once the woman delivered her child, she'd forget all about her plans and be absorbed by her new little one. i was too late, i should never have kept quiet, and now a lot of people were hurt by this event.
i'm no expert on home birthing techniques or midwives and doulas. i know of no such services in my area - babies are born at hospitals, and only home births i'm aware of are by the amish. i would sincerely hope that midwives, doulas and natural birthing centers emphasize on having alternate plans for birth. i think it's great when a woman wants to give birth at home, in a birthing pool, under a tree, in a field, whatever. i'm sure there are many successful home births. but babies always have other plans when they are born, and it is so important to have the understanding and acceptance of back up birth plans. i really hope that medical personnel are emphasizing this. it is extremely dangerous to have your heart set on an ideal birth plan, only to have it completely change when complications arise during labor.
when i was pregnant with the boy, i wanted to have a natural birth (i had taken lamaze) at the hospital, but i wasn't opposed to drugs, and a c-section was fine in case of emergency. the boy was delivered via c-section - had i not had that choice, he would have died. flash forward to the kiddos - i wanted a VBAC but due to having twins and health issues on my part, this was unwise. i was disappointed but considering the alternative - losing my babies - there was no other choice.
it shouldn't matter how children are born. what matters most is that they are here. children are God's most wonderful gift to us, and we should always appreciate that.
the member who posted after me wrote "man, that sucks".
now, i'm sure this person meant to say, "i'm sorry your birth plan didn't go as you wanted, but i am so happy your new baby is here and is healthy and safe, take care of yourself, send pictures, yada yada yada". i'm sure this person did not want her congrats post to sound so negative. i followed my post with another post, commenting that while it did suck that the birth hadn't gone as she wanted that hopefully over time, the disappointment and hurt would fade away as she watched her child grow up.
a lot of "disagree" buttons were pushed over the past 48 hours. members welcomed the new child and congratulated the new mom. some criticized the insensitivity of the comments. it was an ugly ugly scene for what should have been a rejoicing of a new life.
God bless the mods, they earned their keep for the day, smoothing over the painful comments, reassuring that the group is supposed to be a safe haven for women who have lost a pregnancy or child.
the hurt is still palpable in the forum. i noticed some of my friends left - i don't know if it was becos of the situation or becos they felt it was time to move on - but that saddened me. the two women at the center of the controversy both left the group. that made me feel horrible. i pray that they get the support they need for their journey through parenthood. and i feel absolutely terrible that women who struggle to have a baby were witness to this ugly scene.
i feel somewhat responsible for this situation. several weeks ago, the new mom had learned that she had to make drastic changes to her birthing plan. she expressed anger that she couldn't deliver her child the way she wanted to and that after several years and several losses, her dream birthing plan was crushed. i remember at the time thinking "i can understand why you are frustrated and angry but considering that you lost previous pregnancies and carried this child to term, be grateful that this child has a chance of being born at all". this woman complained several times about how her dream birth was destroyed, and i know at one point i commented to hubby "she just doesn't get it. there are women in this group that would give anything to have a baby and she's bitching becos she can't give birth in a swimming pool at home".
i wish at the time i had alerted one of the mods to the conversation. i wish i had said "this woman's comments, while i can understand where she is coming from, really aren't appropriate. they really bother me and i'm afraid someone's feelings are going to be hurt by them". but i kept my mouth shut, becos i was afraid of offending the woman or someone else. i also thought that once the woman delivered her child, she'd forget all about her plans and be absorbed by her new little one. i was too late, i should never have kept quiet, and now a lot of people were hurt by this event.
i'm no expert on home birthing techniques or midwives and doulas. i know of no such services in my area - babies are born at hospitals, and only home births i'm aware of are by the amish. i would sincerely hope that midwives, doulas and natural birthing centers emphasize on having alternate plans for birth. i think it's great when a woman wants to give birth at home, in a birthing pool, under a tree, in a field, whatever. i'm sure there are many successful home births. but babies always have other plans when they are born, and it is so important to have the understanding and acceptance of back up birth plans. i really hope that medical personnel are emphasizing this. it is extremely dangerous to have your heart set on an ideal birth plan, only to have it completely change when complications arise during labor.
when i was pregnant with the boy, i wanted to have a natural birth (i had taken lamaze) at the hospital, but i wasn't opposed to drugs, and a c-section was fine in case of emergency. the boy was delivered via c-section - had i not had that choice, he would have died. flash forward to the kiddos - i wanted a VBAC but due to having twins and health issues on my part, this was unwise. i was disappointed but considering the alternative - losing my babies - there was no other choice.
it shouldn't matter how children are born. what matters most is that they are here. children are God's most wonderful gift to us, and we should always appreciate that.
Hi there.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog, funny enough, through your participation in the Knitting and Crochet Blog Week.
Up until a few months ago, I too, was a member of HAPL. I originally joined the group because I had suffered a previous loss and DH and I were going to start really trying again. It also made me feel better that there was a place I could turn to if things did not go that way.
Over the course of the last few months, I noticed a real negativity invading the group rather than support. It was for this reason that I left.
It's unfortunately that this happened in the group but the moderators seem to have a handle on things. I also agreed with what you said in this post. I know that I, too, would be wondering why this person could not simply rejoice in the fact that she had a healthy baby to coddle and take care of.
i'm sorry you left the group but i totally understand why you did. it was around that time i left the group too. the whole group dynamic changed and i felt like i didn't fit in anymore. i returned for the existing moms thread but i'm feeling the urge to leave that too as a new group of moms join.
ReplyDeletei'm glad the group is there. i hope despite some of the bumps in the group, others find solace there as we had.