a glimpse of heaven

i found this on the porch:



opened it up and this was in the pouch:



currently kicking myself becos i cheaped out and bought only one skein.  i should have bought 2.  one to knit with, one to keep wrapped up:



yeah, it was worth the wait.

glimpse - beautiful yarn for a beautiful cause

image courtesy of yarnista.com

sharon of three irish girls designed this beautiful colorwave in honor of a longtime customer who recently lost her baby boy to severe health issues.  shelley, whose beloved son charlie passed on in january, is a member of a ravelry group i frequent, HAPL.

in conjunction with HAPL's third anniversary this winter, "glimpse" goes on sale today, and the colorwave will be available until the end of february.  portions of sales of "glimpse" will be donated to share, a national charity that supports families touched by pregnancy and infant loss.

"glimpse" is described as ..."a pewter colored base with maybe some bright flecks of some or all of the following "brighter colors" - apple green, turquoise, blue, yellow, orange, even some funky purple or something?  That way it is gender neutral but also not so overwhelmingly "baby" colors either.  Sort of the idea of light after loss...darkness with a bit of color shining through...whatever that means - hope, peace, future, memories, etc"...  amy, another member of HAPL, helped sharon with choosing the colors in this colorwave.


"glimpse" is available in several yarns, and sharon will dye skeins to order.

as a woman touched by pregnancy loss, this is a wonderful tribute to our babies.  

mea culpa after the fireworks

this weekend a member in my favorite ravelry group posted her birth announcement.  she wrote about the birth experience, which was nothing like she had planned, and altho she was delighted to have her child, she was very disappointed in how the child was delivered.  i was the first to post a congrats to her and welcomed her LO to the world.

the member who posted after me wrote "man, that sucks".

now, i'm sure this person meant to say, "i'm sorry your birth plan didn't go as you wanted, but i am so happy your new baby is here and is healthy and safe, take care of yourself, send pictures, yada yada yada".  i'm sure this person did not want her congrats post to sound so negative.  i followed my post with another post, commenting that while it did suck that the birth hadn't gone as she wanted that hopefully over time, the disappointment and hurt would fade away as she watched her child grow up.

a lot of "disagree" buttons were pushed over the past 48 hours.  members welcomed the new child and congratulated the new mom.  some criticized the insensitivity of the comments.  it was an ugly ugly scene for what should have been a rejoicing of a new life.

God bless the mods, they earned their keep for the day, smoothing over the painful comments, reassuring that the group is supposed to be a safe haven for women who have lost a pregnancy or child.

the hurt is still palpable in the forum.  i noticed some of my friends left - i don't know if it was becos of the situation or becos they felt it was time to move on - but that saddened me.  the two women at the center of the controversy both left the group.  that made me feel horrible.  i pray that they get the support they need for their journey through parenthood.  and i feel absolutely terrible that women who struggle to have a baby were witness to this ugly scene.

i feel somewhat responsible for this situation.  several weeks ago, the new mom had learned that she had to make drastic changes to her birthing plan.  she expressed anger that she couldn't deliver her child the way she wanted to and that after several years and several losses, her dream birthing plan was crushed.  i remember at the time thinking "i can understand why you are frustrated and angry but considering that you lost previous pregnancies and carried this child to term, be grateful that this child has a chance of being born at all".  this woman complained several times about how her dream birth was destroyed, and i know at one point i commented to hubby "she just doesn't get it.  there are women in this group that would give anything to have a baby and she's bitching becos she can't give birth in a swimming pool at home".

i wish at the time i had alerted one of the mods to the conversation.  i wish i had said "this woman's comments, while i can understand where she is coming from, really aren't appropriate.  they really bother me and i'm afraid someone's feelings are going to be hurt by them".  but i kept my mouth shut, becos i was afraid of offending the woman or someone else.  i also thought that once the woman delivered her child, she'd forget all about her plans and be absorbed by her new little one.  i was too late, i should never have kept quiet, and now a lot of people were hurt by this event.

i'm no expert on home birthing techniques or midwives and doulas.  i know of no such services in my area - babies are born at hospitals, and only home births i'm aware of are by the amish.  i would sincerely hope that midwives, doulas and natural birthing centers emphasize on having alternate plans for birth.  i think it's great when a woman wants to give birth at home, in a birthing pool, under a tree, in a field, whatever.  i'm sure there are many successful home births. but babies always have other plans when they are born, and it is so important to have the understanding and acceptance of back up birth plans. i really hope that medical personnel are emphasizing this.  it is extremely dangerous to have your heart set on an ideal birth plan, only to have it completely change when complications arise during labor.

when i was pregnant with the boy, i wanted to have a natural birth (i had taken lamaze) at the hospital, but i wasn't opposed to drugs, and a c-section was fine in case of emergency.  the boy was delivered via c-section - had i not had that choice, he would have died.  flash forward to the kiddos - i wanted a VBAC but due to having twins and health issues on my part, this was unwise.  i was disappointed but considering the alternative - losing my babies - there was no other choice.

it shouldn't matter how children are born.  what matters most is that they are here.  children are God's most wonderful gift to us, and we should always appreciate that.

rest in peace, nudge

last night  on ravelry i learned the sad news that i had been dreading for months.  a woman on HAPL gave birth to her little boy, nicholas, also known as nudge.  he had bilateral renal agenesis and was born without kidneys or a bladder.  he lived for two hours before passing away in his mother's arms.

t learned of the child's grave condition a few months ago and was advised to terminate the pregnancy.  she and her husband chose not to, and she carried her child to term, knowing that he would not live very long after birth.  both had the chance to hold their beloved son, bathe him, dress him, cradle him and love him before he slipped away.  

i am in awe of this woman's strength and grace during pregnancy.  i cannot fathom how i would feel about carrying a child knowing that he would not survive very long.  sadly, this family lost another son to the same disease a couple years ago.  their anguish must be palpable.  

i hold this family in my heart and grieve for a little one who was so wanted.  how blessed nudge was to have a mom and dad who loved him so much.  all children in this world should be so lucky.  

my thoughts and prayers are with t, her husband, their loved ones, and especially little nudge.  rest in peace little one.

ETA:  you can read nudge's story here

the purge, ravelry edition

i belonged to 88 groups on ravelry.  now that number is 52.  wow.

half of the groups i belonged to was in name only.  i thought it wasn't fair to be a member and not participate.  so long, i love my ipod, only child and TCM.

there were a bunch of groups that i initially participated in when i first joined them, but my interests or schedule changed, and i no longer visit them.  bye bye, charity knitting, prayer shawls and babycakes.

some groups were defunct by nature.  that would be you, eastwick and the forgotten.

and quite possibly the biggest shocker of all, i left my main group, HAPL.  this was the hardest one to leave.

i joined in june 2008, after losing ani.  the group gave me comfort and support as i processed my loss, my anxiety with TTC, getting pregnant and carrying the twins, then caring for them in the months afterward.  i can't remember how many were in the group when i joined, but as of today, there were 188 women.  that's a lot of heartache and loss.

over the past few weeks, however, i felt like i didn't fit into the group anymore.  the majority of women who had losses around the time of mine now had babies of their own and were busy with their own lives.  there were a lot of new faces in recent months.  there are several women who struggle with TTC and i feel alienated from them as i will never know the pain of infertility and TTC for several years, and not months in my case.  i have no idear what it's like to have a D&C, or an overdue miscarriage, or to have multiple losses, one after another.  i felt disconnected from the new mom's thread as other moms discussed breast feeding, cloth diapering and other things attachment parents do that i just can't relate to.  i'm sure even my ravatars, which featured the twins often, probably made others uncomfortable.

so i took a deep breath, sighed and clicked on the leave this group button.  HAPL served me well during my hard time.  i pray that some of my experience helped another grieving woman.


this has been a rather shitty week.  i'm working on week 4 of bronchitis/cold, the boy is working on week 6 of his respiratory infection, petunia has a runny nose and is fussy (i pray it's teething and not a cold), fredster has a cough and hubby is teetering on the brink of getting sick.  we're exhausted, i feel depressed and cold, and i really wish we were moving into march and not february.  the good thing is, we are heading into february, it is a quick month, and hopefully soon it will be spring and we can be outdoors more.



ravelympics starts in 2 weeks.  i need to get my yarn at the ready, the patterns sorted, the projects planned.  i'm making preemie caps for the NICU at GMC, sort of a thank you for taking care of my little ones when they were born.  if i'm lucky, i can also finish petunia's sock monkey (a WIP) and maybe even the baby monkey, which was to be a gift for nudge, but maybe intended for someone else.

my swirl shawl goes slowly.  it's a tricky process.

God bless you Sparkles!

aren't these stitch markers gorgeous?!?



i participated in a stitch marker swap in my pregnancy loss group on ravelry. this is what i got:





i also got a hank of sock yarn, some twinkly ladder yarn, and some soft sparkly wool yarn. i can't wait to use them. the ladder yarn will be used for a felted hat (darn my knit group!) and i'm thinking a small lacy scarf for the purple yarn. and another pair of socks for me!!

thank you lamira, for your kindness and generosity. i really needed this. i'm officially one day late, and i'm not testing until friday, unless AF shows first. this giftie will either soothe my heart, or be the cherry on top, as it is now.