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Thursday, March 31, 2011

black sheep, or square peg

some days i just don't fit in anywhere.

yesterday i cried about a half dozen times.  i cried becos i got stuck in traffic.  i cried walking back to my car after swimming.  i cried becos the kids were fighting over the same toy.  i cried becos the yarn i ordered over a month ago still isn't here.  i cried becos i had to put groceries away.  i cried becos i was tired of being a mom.

so i grumbled in my favorite forums.  at lunch i kept ordering more food becos i wasn't ready to go home to my kids.  i ordered cucumber sushi (good but bland) and onion soup (yummy).  the waitress brought my check and i asked for a menu to order more.  so i ordered a green salad (i literally licked the dressing - some kind of sesame dressing with the color and consistency of barf but is so delish - from the bowl), pot stickers (tasty) and an order of giant vegetable sushi to go.  another mom commented that she felt that way frequently and planned to do the same thing.  that mom has one kid and another on the way.  what the hell does she know?  my other forum - silence.  probably becos i am a bad mom for not wanting to be with my kids.

i sobbed in hubby's arms.  why am i crying so much for no good reason at all?  why do i feel like crawling out of my skin every day?  why do i feel so brittle?  i can't even blame PMS for this behavior.  this happens all the time.  it's not normal, and not right.  it can't be.

everything seems to rub me wrong lately.  remember this yarn i wrote about a while back?  i ordered it on the first day, and the majority of it has been sent to their owners, except me.  i ordered one skein of yarn.  the yarn made it over to england already, and i don't have mine yet.  not everyone received theirs, but those still waiting have large orders.  and then everyone brags about how wonderful it is and how great it feels - must be nice, becos i don't have mine!  people tell me to  be patient - it's worth the wait.  is it?  this is why i don't buy a lot of high end yarn online - i like to visit yarn, fondle it, smell it, admire the color - in person.  buy it locally.

hubby joked that maybe i pissed someone off and that's why mine is so behind.  i would hope not, considering how much i pimped that damn yarn on my blog.

worse yet, i feel guilty bitching about a fucking skein of yarn.  there are worse things in the world to complain about.  i know the person for whom the yarn was designed for, and the proceeds are going to a wonderful charity.  but i can't help but feel left behind, bitter, and angry.  the situation makes me look and feel like an ungrateful black sheep.

i hate this shitty feeling, this blackness in my soul.  i hate that my winter SAD is lingering.  every day i think about my blessings - that my children are healthy, that hubby is still employed, that we have a roof over our heads and food to eat - and tell myself that this is all that matters.  but i want something more.  a validation?  a break?  i wish i knew.

i guess once a square peg, always a square peg.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for leaving your heartfelt comment on my blog this morning. What a loving and difficult thing to do, to give your blanket away. I can relate to this post. You're not a bad mom for wanting to be away from your kids. We all need a break sometimes and it's just hard to verbalize that and not feel bad.


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