these dreams

guess my dreams are trying to tell me something.  to wit:

last night i dreamt that hubby and i went on vacation.  we were in a swimming pool in a ritzy hotel, and we got out to get drinks.  we waited and waited for those drinks (i really wanted a pina colada) and the longer we waited, more people got served, but not us.  it made me mad.

then i dreamt that it was the end of vacation, and i didn't get to swim becos i kept waiting for that drink.

then i dreamt that we caught a big black rat in the back porch of my old house, and i chased it with a baseball bat, trying to kill it.

here's what it all means:

...To dream that you are on vacation, indicates that you need a break to recharge your energies and revitalize yourself. You need to break out of your daily routine and do something different.  Alternatively, dreaming of a vacation represents your achievements. You are giving yourself a pat on the back and are deserving of a reward for your hard work. 

To dream that you are having a bad or awful vacation, suggests that you are not able to escape from the daily responsibilities of your waking life.  You are having difficulties coping with life's problems and issues.

wow.  guess i really do need a break.  and for taking care of 3 sick kids over the past 2 weeks without getting sick myself - yeah, i definitely deserve something for that achievement (a vacation would be nice!)

To dream that you are having a bad or awful vacation, suggests that you are not able to escape from the daily responsibilities of your waking life.  You are having difficulties coping with life's problems and issues.

considering i was disappointed that the vacation was over so quickly, this really fits too.

To see a swimming pool in your dream, symbolizes relaxation, calmness, luxury and ease. You need to take a break. Alternatively, a swimming pool suggests that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings. It is time to dive in and deal with those emotions. You need to cleanse yourself and wash away those past hurts.
yep.  true that.

To dream that you are swimming, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.
again, true.

To dream that you are enjoying alcohol in moderation, denotes contentment and satisfaction in the decisions that you have made. Success is within your grasp. The dream may also be a metaphor for "spirits" and your need for spiritual enrichment.
well, i didn't get my pina colada, and others got served before me, but this makes sense.

To see a rat in your dream, signifies feelings of doubts, greed, guilt, unworthiness and envy. You are keeping something to yourself that is eating you up inside. Or you have done something that you are not proud of. Alternatively, a rat denotes repulsion, decay, dirtiness, and even death. The dream may also be a pun on someone who is a rat. Are you feeling betrayed?


In particular, to see a black rat, represents deceit and covert activities. 
now this is getting scary.

To see or hold a baseball bat in your dream, represents your motivating and driving forces.  The dream may also be a pun on an "old bat" or old woman. Alternatively the baseball may be a phallic symbol and thus have sexual connotations. 
heh.  i certainly feel like an "old bat" lately.

To dream that you kill someone, indicates that you are on the verge of losing your temper and self-control.  Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards him or her in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself which of these qualities you are trying to put an end to.
i don't think i killed the rat (maybe my subconscious was thinking of the bat i killed a couple weeks ago).

To dream that you have been killed, suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience. The dream refers to drastic changes that you are trying to make. There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself. Killing represents the killing off of the old parts and old habits. Alternatively, the dream represents feelings of being let down or betrayed by someone in your waking life. You are feeling overwhelmed, shocked and disappointed.
yeah, this makes sense too.


geez.  even in my unconscious state, i get no peace.

ETA i get my dream information from this awesome dream dictionary site.

in which i'm deemed a certifiable loon

i got encouraging news on gram's broken wrist. late last night the ortho finally set her wrist and she now has a soft cast (i think). she still is in a lot of pain, most of the wrist, some of it the jostling of the fall. she fell on a hard wood floor, and she barely has meat on her bones, so she's going to hurt for a long time. her knee is still a bit weak, but she got a walker that has an adaption for her arm and she was able to walk around her room. it looks like she'll be in the hospital for a few more days. i have no idear what will happen from there, if she'll go home to/with mom or have to go to a physical rehab floor (which she doesn't want). in 6 weeks she'll have the cast removed.

i was on pins and needles from about 6am on, becos mom was going to drop off some stuff before running up to the hospital. i thought she might leave early if she didn't sleep well. 6am passes, 7am passes, and as the time creeps towards 7:30 i am seriously freaking out. while i was washing up dishes i heard the door and yelled. it was mom dropping of the papers - she thought we were upstairs with the kids. i charge after her in tears, asking how grams was, telling her about my stupid dream. she looked at me like i was totally nuts. i was SO convinced that something bad happened during the night. but mom said that grams was fine last night and she'd call when she had news. so around lunch time she called and i got to talk to grams. she sounded good - and it felt good to talk to her. she asked about the kids and the boy's first day of school, and i asked her about her wrist. hopefully she comes home soon. hospital beds are so wretched.

so far no news on MIL. hubby called FIL when he was picking up the boy from school, and the doctor hadn't seen her yet. so it looks like she'll still be in the hospital another day.

i am so glad my dream didn't come true. i hate having such vivid dreams. they run in the family - both my folks are vivid dreamers as is the boy. i wish i was like hubby. he rarely dreams at all, and when he does, they are "polaroid" type dreams - snapshots.

the master plan

they say God has a master plan for everyone, but it isn't always revealed until it needs to be - this could be 5 minutes away, 50 years, the moment we die. i think i saw a glimpse of the plan yesterday and it amazes me how things work out the way they do.

yesterday was the boy's first day of school. i was getting ready to go shopping (first solo trip in months!) when the phone rang. it was my dad, telling me that my grandmother fell in her bedroom and thought she broke her arm. they were running up to take her to the hospital.

throughout the day mom or dad would call with reports - waiting in the ER for the doc, settling her in for the night in a room, waiting for the orthopedist to come set the bone (a broken wrist, we found out).

at the same time, my MIL, who had her first chemo treatment on wednesday, passed out in the early afternoon and my FIL had to take HER to the ER. we didn't hear this until late last night, when FIL called and asked for help with his truck - his battery was dead and needed a jump. hubby had been trying to reach his folks all afternoon and evening but they never answered their phones. MIL is now hospitalized for observation, becos, as i wasn't aware, the chemo drugs can destroy heart tissue.



i can't help but think that (in my selfish mind) it was probably very lucky that the babies arrived when they did. had they not arrived, i would probably be having a C-section today. it's the boy's second day of school, and we are home to see him off on the bus and to pick him up in the afternoon. if i was in the hospital, and grams was in the hospital, and MIL was in the hospital, there would be no one around to get him to and from school. mom assured that dad would be around to see him off, but it's not the same. MIL had chemo this week, which puts her on "quarantine", so she and prolly FIL couldn't take care of the boy. and this is incredibly morbid, but if something happens to grams, she at least saw the birth of the twins and got to meet and hold them.




yes, this is what i'm scared about. last night mom called after 8 - grams was resting in a room, with her wrist on a pillow, not set, no meds. she was in a lot of pain, plus her back (which had previous problems) was paining her. she said that when it got closer to sleep, she was going to ask for meds for her back. grams is unable to stand on her own - her knee gave out on her (no reason why, other than the doc speculated that her knees prolly have arthritis and that's what let her down) so she needs help going to the bathroom and getting up. mom said she's (grams, herself) is scared. i think mom (and grams) is afraid that she'll need to go into a home. and that will definitely kill my grandmother.

i'm not sure what treatment protocol is, but i question whether or not my grams is getting the best care available. mom said they sat in the ER for hours. dad was concerned that while they took gram's vitals (temps, BP) they never checked her heart. this concerns me too since apparently her BP was sky high (from shock and pain) and i'm scared she'll either have a heart attack or a stroke. her wrist hasn't been set yet although they anticipated the ortho doc coming in late to do it. i know it's a small hospital, but it just doesn't seem like enough. is it really just a minor (!!?) injury? or are they slacking on treatment becos she's old and maybe anticipate that something will happen (like she'll die)?




and what has me awake at 5 in the morning is that i woke up from a horrible dream. i dreamt of my grandmother, near her hospital bed, crying becos "she kept hearing voices" and knew the end was near. what woke me up was hearing a phone ring at quarter to 5 in the morning. i am praying that it is residual pregnancy hormones giving me this awful dream. i almost afraid for the next couple of hours (until after 8) when the boy is off to school, becos if anything did happen to my grandmother, i cannot believe mom would call me before sending the boy to school. plus she is leaving early this morning to go back to the hospital and she is dropping some stuff off. this should be around 7.




i think i have mentioned in previous posts what a stubborn woman my grandmother is. it's hereditary as mom, myself and hopefully the pixie are just as stubborn. after grams fell, she managed to call mom and dad (fortunately there is a phone in the bedroom). since her knee still felt weak, she half crawled to the attic where she got pap's cane. she then managed to get out to the breezeway (which is at the other end of the house) to unlock the door to let the garage door guy in becos the garage door was broken. the guy arrives, offered to take grams to the hospital, and GRAMS REFUSES. she sits in the breezeway waiting for mom and waiting for the door guy to fix the door. apparently he was gone before mom and dad got there. can you believe that? instead of calling an ambulance or my aunt or cousin or myriad of other relatives that live nearby, grams waited in pain for my parents to come, only to be shipped to the hospital in an ambulance anyway!

like i told mom and hubby, i really hope this clips gram's mowing wings. she is 85 years old and INSISTS on mowing her own grass. and it's not a small patch of grass. it is a very large yard ( actually two, a front and a back). she does this all by hand (the yard is big enough for a riding mower but she has no room to store one). it scares the shit out of me becos i am always afraid that some day we'll get a call from her neighbors saying they found her dead pushing her mower. maybe this ends the mowing debate.




oh, the boy had a great day at school! he got on the bus just fine and came home all excited. apparently that was the highlight of his day - riding the bus! we tried to ask him questions about his day - who did he meet, what was his classes like, and he was too jazzed up to really tell us. he was really wound when he came home. hubby guessed it was from sitting for nearly 6 hours, trying to be good. he was also hungry - his fault for not eating the lunch i sent! i gave him his school cone (which prolly jazzed him up worse), which had school supplies, markers, pencils, a stapler and tape (so he's not stealing mine!), hershey kisses and starbursts. while at the grocery store i got him a general grevous figure, and i also got a jawa which i planned to give for his birthday but he found them both. he is obsessed with star wars right now and it seemed like the perfect goodie for him. he then proceeded to beat on the cone, which i grumped him - it needs to last him the next few years (or until he complains about it). we got him to bed by 8, fell asleep shortly thereafter. we wanted to start bedding him early for the past few weeks but the babies' schedules kinda blew that off course. waking him up is just as interesting. he was used to sleeping in (his old school didn't start until 9) so he's in for a rude awakening for the next few weeks. he'll adjust. we all will.

did i cry when he went off to school? i welled up, but was too busy trying to take pictures of him getting on the bus. and i had a big cry the night before in the shower (showers and baths are great for this). hubby was really worried. i think he worries that i could have PPD. i hope it's too early to have that. i don't feel depressed. i feel overwhelmed at caring for 2 babies at the same time (and even more so if mom has to care for grams and is unable to help out like she planned). it's bittersweet that the boy is off to school - obviously i'm happy that he's in school, but also a bit sad that he is growing up and doesn't need me as much as he used to. but that's life. nothing else to do but deal.

a good night's sleep

last night was the best sleep i've had in days. either i was so tired my body gave in or maybe the worst is over for me for the time being. i fell asleep before the end of 20/20, woke up around midnight and had some conversation with hubby about the show (we recorded it for the healthcare segment) then woke up around 2. moved to the recliner, fell back to sleep listening to fox news, woke up around 4-5 and went back to the sofa, then slept until after 7. peed a couple times in there, was so groggy i really don't remember how many times!

dreamt that my old boss threw a baby shower for me. actually i went to her office to tell her about the babies, and as usual she was a complete bitch to me. i dreamt in the afternoon about my boss and the shower and the fact that i was supposed to interview someone but couldn't remember what questions i had to ask and i had nothing to right down answers except a grotty piece of paper and a big blue crayon. it's weird i dreamt about this person, haven't talked to them in over 6 years.

MIL made out okay with her surgery. it was pushed back to 10 instead of 8, and the procedure didn't start until after noon. nurses spent over an hour trying to find vessels for her IV and lines and the doctor wound up giving her a central line. not only that but they intubated her WHILE SHE WAS AWAKE. i pray she doesn't have to endure any more surgeries since this one seemed to be incredibly hellacious. by the time hubby came home she was groggy but alert, and was offered soup, a sandwich and some sherbet, which she picked at. SIL called around 7 (?) and said she was resting and doing well. haven't heard anything this morning, but hopefully she comes home sometime today. i marvel the fact that this surgery is considered minor, basically one day surgery. i always looked at a mastectomy as something major, like heart surgery. i imagine having a breast removed would be as traumatic as losing a hand - that's a significant body part being removed.

the new treatment plan seems to be that she'll have 6 chemo treatments (instead of 4, hopefully more treatment decreases the chances of recurrence) and radiation (no seeds, i have no idear how they do this unless they give the entire breast area a shot of radiation). hopefully by christmas, she will be considered cancer free.

mom and dad have the boy for the day, they went up to gram's for a visit. i get to watch my invasion marathon today and hopefully clean off the dvr! they are keeping him overnight for church tomorrow. i think that's the last thing i hate to give up - missing church. i thought i could go for an hour but mom and dad thought it best i stay home and stay still. hubby has some grocery shopping for me and tidying up the garage. he'll also see his mom this afternoon, hopefully.

day 2 of the new laptop and can i say how great and fast it is??! my websites pop up automatically, email doesn't sit and spin, and it doesn't take 2 minutes to sync up my touch. we hated to get a new laptop but with the old computer so precarious, we were afraid of losing our music and picture libraries (and my resume). we have everything backed up on an external hard drive, but still, don't want to take chances.

time to watch dead like me.

weird dream redux

more weird dreams. i should be glad that they're not weird baby dreams. but i don't know why i keep dreaming about people i went to school with years ago. monday night i dreamt about a guy i went to high school with. last night it was my best friend from college (i dreamt he was dead - really creepy). i wish i knew why my brain thinks up these people from my deep past, people i haven't thought about or spoken to in years.

the past 2 days haven't been kind to me healthwise. yesterday i had the sinus migraine from hell. today i was just nauseous and puked before i took the boy to school. every time i puke, it's wednesday. why that day? is it a crucial developmental day? i thought i'd be phasing out of the the sickness part of the first trimester, but apparently yin and yang have other plans. i've noticed lately that my heart pounds more. i notice it more when i'm napping or just sitting quietly. i want to ask my doctor about this and whether or not it's normal. i was checked years ago for racing heart, but it turned out my heart pounded becos i was feeling seriously stressed out about my job. i'm not really stressed out about this pregnancy - no more than usual - and i put myself on a self-imposed bedrest, basically spending my day either sitting in the recliner or laying on the sofa, reading books, knitting, watching tv. i nap tons. i eat when i'm hungry. i don't do a lot of activity - i do wash a couple days a week, light housework. i'm working really hard to keep my energy level low. my blood pressure has been really good - my sweet number has been 116/68. not bad.

on a good note, i'm feeling more mojo towards my knitting. i frogged a beret after finding another nice beret pattern. rewinding the yarn was a bitch, but i think this hat will be easier and look really cute. i got a baby knitting book and the patterns have really been energizing me. i'm going to make a pair of socks (or rather 2 pairs if i can help it) and some of the sweaters and blankets are really cute. i have so much knitting to do and i feel like i have a limited amount of time to do it.

dream a scary dream with me

i know hormones make weird dreams especially scary baby dreams but this dream takes it. it's the first time i had a true nightmare.

the other night i dreamt that i was driving through kreamer. i heard sirens and was preparing to pull over for an ambulance or fire truck when i heard someone say i had to pull over becos i couldn't be on the road. so i pulled off onto a side street and parked where i knew i could just pull out. i saw these yellow trucks that said "civil air defense" and saw a crowd of people in front of wood-mode.

i got out of my car and was trying to call my mom but found my phone only had 2 bars (as usual). somehow hubby and his dad were there too. i found a message on my phone from mom (the message said "your mom thought santa arrived when she got your call!") when i called her back i told her to turn tv on cos something weird was going on. she said that there was a terror alert. i then saw these missles and vapor trails and told mom "i see missles!" and she started to cry, saying "i just want a second chance" (at what? i have no idea). lily chin was also there (i have no idear why lily chin was in kreamer) but she was crying and i was trying to comfort her. i kept telling my mom "i love you, call nany and dad and tell them i love them too" and i'm bawling and then i woke up.

i was so freaked out i turned tv on to see if there were no emergencies (none noted). i got a drink of water and went to the bathroom. i was so freaked out i went upstairs. i cried and hubby comforted me. even the boy heard my crying, he was worried about me. poor boy - he's used to having bad dreams and us comforting him. i think it was weird for him to see mommy having a bad dream and needing comforting.

hubby thought the dream meant that there was going to be a life-changing event (duh, name them...baby, twins, buying a new van) in my life. maybe so, but the dream didn't have to be so realistic.

last night's dream was weird but not scary. i dreamt that mom, dad and i went to london and we were in a store. we had gotten food and dad had this scalloped potato dish and i kept saying "these are the best potatoes i've ever had!" i was also buying erasers, mini highlighter pens and a pack of snoopy playing cards "so we could play card games back at the hotel room."

then i dreamt i was back in my old childhood house (it must be february - i always have my old house dreams in february). i dreamt that someone took our mail and ripped it up. my aunt and cousin were helping to pick up the pieces and my cousin found a card with money in it - why didn't they take the money? the hoods that ripped up our mail then came back to laugh at us (the head hooligan looked just like drew carey). i yelled at him and picked up a bamboo knitting needle and stabbed him in the stomach. then i called the police to tell them that someone ripped up my mail and that i caught the guys who did it, and i stabbed the one guy with a needle. then i woke up.


i've always been a lucid dreamer. it's astonishing how i can remember the smallest details of some dreams. the boy takes after me with dreams - he's pretty lucid. hubby says he hardly dreams and when he does they are usually snapshots.

i always have reoccuring dreams either about school or work. at work, i'm getting yelled out. if it's a school dream, it's usually about the last day of school, it's my math final, and i haven't been to class all year and i worry about how i'm going to have a good grade when i haven't attended class. or my locker is messy/lost/can't remember my combination and i'm late for the bus.

i also have reoccuring dreams about my old house. usually it's finding another room that i never knew existed (usually in the attic). or i find a passage in my closet that takes me to rooms or things i never knew existed, or else held things i had when i was little.

weird ass dreams.

when i was younger i used to dream that my mother was having a baby. i used to get angry in these dreams, usually when i was older. i got these dreams around my birthday time. once my birthday passed the dreams did too until my next birthday. i think these dreams are an only-child phenomena. i talked to other onlies about this dream and i wasn't alone. when i considered grad school i considered analyzing these dreams for a thesis but there was no way i could quantify them. i'm sure there's some psychological idea behind them. i haven't had a mom and baby dream in years.

i love dreams - trying to figure them out, wondering why my brain thought them up. dreams are amazing.

i wish i knew why

last night i had a dream about a friend from college. i have not been in touch with him for years. he lived in england, i live here, we wrote back and forth, and that was about it. he used to send me the most delicious mix tapes of new british/european acts - i acquired a nice music range from him. he'd be a nice guy to have a beer with, but not a guy to marry.

anyway, i haven't heard from him in years. so last night i had a dream that i got a big letter from him, saying he was doing well and wondering how i was. i wish i knew why i had a dream about him. i never think about him otherwise. his birthday was in november, so maybe it was a subconscious "hey, chiz's birthday is next week!" i used to send him neat gifts - mostly cds, bracelets, once a zippo lighter for xmas.

i wish i knew why i have such weird and vivid dreams. it must be hereditary, cos the boy has vivid dreams too, and he talks in his sleep like me.

i picked up a couple of knitting projects. i'm starting a new one, a christmas tree skirt to go with our new fake short thin tree. it was from a back issue of creative knitting. i had two skirts to choose from, this one and another that was in simply knitting, but that one was cream with intarsia. i'm not sure i'm up for intarsia for the holidays, spesh if i have socks and a scarf to finish.

i also dug out my ubatuba sweater. i started it **2** years ago and it only goes up to my arm pits since i'm too chicken to start the sleeves. well, my time has come, and it's time that i conquer my fear! so i'll work on my sweater while i work on my other projects.

as i mentioned in my last post, my grandmother's neighbor died, and she and my mom went to the funeral yesterday. they said it was sad, sad music, sad words. i don't know if it was sad becos of who he was - a really good man - or the fact that my grandmother is old and will die, and my mom's fear when that happens. i have that fear too. i know death is natural - i'm not afraid of it - but i love my family and don't want them to leave yet. i have my funeral planned, the scriptures i want, the music i want. i know that's morbid, but i want what i want when i'm dead.

mom said that the casket was open during the service and it creeped her and grams out. i don't blame them. i went to a funeral earlier this year where the casket was open, and looking at the person made them look like they were breathing. that's just creepy. and i don't find it comforting at all. i guess it's becoming the norm tho, mom said that a local funeral director likes the funerals at my church becos they are never open casket. i think it would be creepy to stare at your loved one through the service, but that's just me.

guess that's it.

river

this song by joni mitchell has been running through my head for days.

racked up some karma points (hopefully) by returning a purse i found in the grocery store parking lot yesterday. hopeful karma points in that i hope i didn't pick up a hot purse by mistake.

i dreamt last night that hubby and i had to run away from a tornado and hid under a piano bench. there was also an eagle flying in my dream.